The Hot Hockey Player

Chapter 40 - Madeline 🌸

I anxiously sit in my car, waiting forJude to emerge from the airport. The sun is starting to dip below the horizon, and the colors are absolutely beautiful. This golden glow over the landscape is breathtaking. Well, as much as a parking lot can be a landscape welcoming such art. As I'm waiting with music playing in the background, my mind drifts.

When I talked to Jude two days ago, I felt his despair, his anger and the sadness weighing him down. I wanted to take it all, carry that burden and add it to mine if needed. But I couldn't. I tried as much as I could, choosing my words carefully. And in the end, I think it worked. Yesterday, he wrote me one hell of a text. He was laying it all out. His words were raw, filled with a sincerity so bright, it left me in tears. Because there was something I'd longed for my entire life.

Something I never new I needed until now : respect, love and finding someone treating me as I deserve to be treated. I can see it now. And I'll never be able to unsee it.

And I think a lot of things make me understand what was missing inside of me. 

Even if the fact that Sofia was still a bit distant wasn't playing in my favor but rather helping my fragile emotions. On instagram, I'm always drawn to reels about being hypersensitive. And I don't know if I am, but the symptoms for sure are showing. And it's not just about crying above everything. It's just those feelings. I can't shake it.

It keeps showing me reels of how everything someone's been through as a child, as hard as it was, could clearly impact adulthood. And in reminds me so much of my past. My own scars, emotional and physical, have left marks and those one are showing up in my adulthood. 

And for the first time ever, I'm starting to realize the impact it's had on my life. I've never been more sure about it. My parents don't love me, they didn't want anything to do with me to the point where even paying for my insulin was a hard thing to do. My brother left me and though he loves me to the moon and back, he left me behind. And that bothers me deep down I guess. My grandparents were a great constant in my life, until we moved to the UK. And then, I felt like something was missing. Thank God, I still had Matthew for a few years. And Sofia. She was my first real friend and I can't say enough how much I'm glad to talk to reconnect with her despite the many years separating our last ...

It shaped the person I'm today. It played on me and my mental state. I'm taking everything a bit too much and it's just... constant thinking. Mentally draining. Always and always. And I just.... Rha !

I hate it but at the same time, now that I put a word on it, I need to work with it. I'm still debating whether I should see a psychologist. I think it could be a great thing. I think I might need it.

And I think I could finally start to heal from my childhood. I want to.

I hear some laughs and I look up. Seeing William and Casper, I jump out of my car. I close the door and lean against it. They finally spot me and I wave. They wave back, both of them. And I'm a bit surprised because I didn't thought William will acknowledge me. Sure we talked a few times, but... It makes me so happy and I know I'm grinning like a fool and his small smile is thanks to me. Casper hits him on the shoulder and turns to me. 

"Maddy, you need to tell me how the fuck you make him smile like that !" Casper explains amused but I can sense a bit of seriousness in his words. He really wonders, curiosity in his eyes. 

"Guess looking stupid works pretty well. You should try it," I tell him, shrugging. 

He rolls his eyes but his smile never fades. This boy is a beam of sunshine, a big and tall one, but still a sunshine. He drops his suitcase and pulls me into a hug. I'm now used to it and I kind of appreciate the affection. It's different from the ones Jude gives me but it's just like a hug between a brother and a sister. And now that I'm saying it, it's kind of how I see him : family.