The Hot Hockey Player

Chapter 39 - Madeline 🌸

The mood in the apartment is getting to me, suffocating me and I have nothing to do but sit in my bed and cogitate. Not even a good book to lighten up the mood, to pull me out of my head And obviously, Jude's not here to keep me away from my heavy thoughts.

Sofia had a fight with Colin and she'd been locked in her own world, trying to make sense of what went wrong between them. And in Sofia language (I learned it the hard way), it means transforming into a bundle of nerves. I tried to help but she wouldn't let me. She's constantly rejecting me since yesterday. And when she gets like this, I assume she prefers to retreat. So I did too.

I'm not backing out, just letting the anger and nerves settle, and then I'll try again. When I'll be mentally able to.

I'm ashamed to admit it because truly, I'm okay. My brother's okay. Jude's too last I checked. And everything's is fine. But the sting of rejection, even when I know she doesn't mean it that way, hurts a lot more. As always. I know it would have been the same with anyone really. And they would have just let it go, not taking it the wrong way. But my brain doesn't work like that I guess.

I took it personally. And I tried, as much as I could, to rationalize everything.

She's still my friend, she just need to think it — the fight — over.

Not everyone react the same way after a fight.

But at the same time, you reacted like a nosy bitch, expecting to be the center of the world.

Sofia doesn't really want to tell you anything. After all, it'd been a long time since you two saw each other.

But we live together, she asked me to move in.

What if it was only pity ?

And just like that, rationalizing just backfires and I'm an emotional mess again. It's a vicious cycle I'm caught in and it's just tiring. Every little thing feels off. Evelyn texted me earlier and there was no emoji, nothing. Just a plain sentence. And I took it for me.

Maybe Sofia told her I was annoying.

Maybe she doesn't want to be my friend anymore.

I'm being the third-wheel.

The tightness in my chest won't go away. I'm spiraling so much. I remind myself that this actually started with a fight between Sofia and Colin. I had absolutely nothing to do with it. So why do I include myself in this problem. Why am I reacting like that ? Why can't I just be strong enough to deal with a little rejection without crumbling ?

Just as the thoughts keep coming, I know I need to talk to Jude. I don't feel good and I could use some pep talk or whatever. Truly, I could just hear his voice. And I could use a little praise.

I watched the game. I don't know if it was a disaster or not. The guys played well. It was really great. I'm not the best at hockey knowledge but I know enough to have an opinion about it. The guys were in sync, nothing really came out wrong. Just... It lacks something they usually have. And I couldn't put my finger on it. It just lacked something. I don't think it's Jude - as good a player he is - but something deeper.

As the phone rings, I make a mental note to ask him about it. At the same time, I wonder if Colin has it as bad as Sofia. What if Jude's caught in the middle of whatever fight this is ? I don't pin Colin for the type to go berserker when things go wrong, but again, I didn't excepted Sofia to either. And Jude might be a bit more confident that I am.

It would have been amazing to have that. I'm getting there, but I only began the book. I don't think I even finished the first chapter of my life.

The call goes straight to voicemail. I frown.

This is weird. I check the time again but it's not that late so, he should be able to answer. Maybe he's just busy. I'll wait a bit before calling back. In the mean time, I go the bathroom to release myself and I come back to my room. As I cross the hall, the front door open and close. Sofia was here so she must be leaving, God knows where. I quickly go back to my room and try to do a little snicking. But nothing to tell me what she's going to do. She's just walking to the bus stop, AirPods plugged in her ear.

I sigh, not really liking that she feels like she can't open up to me.

But I can't really do anything about it, can I ?

After what feels like an eternity, I call back.

He answers on the first ring and I smile instinctively. "Hi handsome. How are you ?"

All I hear is a ragged breath and a mutters curse. So low, I almost missed it at first. But then, a louder 'fuck' proves me wrong.

My stomach drops and I can feel the color drain from my face.

"Jude ?" I ask carefully.

I know I'm not at fault here. I don't know what's happening right now but I don't like it, not in the slightest. My sadness take off and I'm ready to help to the troubled man behind the phone. My problems doesn't seem so important anymore. Still, that weight on my chest deepens.

And I feel so guilty just thinking that I wanted to be heard. But right now is not the right time to think about such things. I slap myself, slightly, to comeback to the moment. Jude needs me.

"Maddy..." he answers in the saddest voice I could've possibly heard him sound.

"Jude, baby, tell me what's happening. Are you okay ? Are you hurt ? Is it your rib ? Your head ? Jude. Please, talk to me !" I almost shout like a madwoman.

When I hear his laugh, I freeze. It lasts for less than ten seconds before I relax, slightly.

"I would have if you'd let me."

He can't see me but...

"And don't blush."

I think he made it worse. I mutter something incoherently and it only increases his amusement. But it dies rather quickly. And I know that something's really wrong.

"Jude ? Are you okay ?" I repeat, this time more seriously.

Silence.

Then.. "No, I don't think I am."

And just like that, he tells me everything that happened today. From the way he felt not being good enough for the team, feeling useless. It's a strong word and it hurts me to hear him use it with him when he's been nothing but useless. I know this feeling. And I think I can tell I know how he feels.

I keep listening to him. He tells me about Colin, about how mean he'd been with him, how hurt he felt when Colin blathered those atrocity to him. He tells me about the anxiety.

The call lasted for more than two hours. Two hours of me trying to reassure him, to told him that he's the best person I've ever met, with the kindest heart, with the purest soul, with the gentle gestures. I know that right now, he might not understand my words. But as time passes and when he'll calm down a little, he will. Eventually.

Only two days and he's coming back to me.

Two days to crawl out from wherever I landed.

My problems aren't as important as anyone would think. I'm happy with being here for my friends. I'm a people-pleaser, I know that. But for now, it's working well.

Because Jude's back in his room, finally lying down after what must have been one of the most emotionally expensive day he must have his entire life. And he'll sleep, maybe not as peacefully as usually but enough to get thought it and maybe because he's probably worn out by the events.

And me ?

I'll get better at hiding it with time.