𝐖𝐎𝐍𝐃𝐄𝐑𝐋𝐀𝐍𝐃 ★ charles leclerc

𝙘𝙝𝙖𝙥𝙩𝙚𝙧 𝙨𝙚𝙫𝙚𝙣𝙩𝙮 𝙛𝙤𝙪𝙧, maisie

❝ that's her destiny. ❞
⇄ ◃◃   ⅠⅠ   ▹▹ ↻

I'm engaged.

Engaged to be married.

I still can't fucking believe it.

He stood on one knee and he asked me to marry him. Every bone in my body was telling me to say no. Every muscle was pushing me to the no. My mind, my heart, my body. Everything.

But then, out of nowhere, I blurted out this 'Yes'. It's as if I forced myself to say it, caving into the pressure of everyone around and his desperate eyes, waiting.

I didn't want to say it, but I did. I don't get why.

Maybe because I'm scared to be alone, or maybe because a part of me just wants to settle, or maybe it's just because I know, Charles and I are never going to get together again, and I just want someone by my side.

I'm scared. I'm just scared of everything.

I don't want to be alone. I've been alone all my life. It's been shit, going through everything with no one by my side. And, I know he isn't the right one but at least he's one.

I know it's wrong. I shouldn't think that way, but when you spend all years without having no one actually by your side, you'd understand how I feel.

I wasn't thinking straight, honestly, I'm still not. It's been a blurry, confusing two days.

I sit in the kitchen, all alone, holding my left hand in my right one, toying with the ring on my fourth finger, staring at the diamond in it.

It's so pretty. I hate that it makes me cry every time I look at it. It doesn't deserve me. I don't deserve this ring.

The worst is, if my eyes lean down a little underneath it, they'd see a bracelet. A bracelet I've been wearing for eight years. A stupid plain bracelet that makes me feel more worthy than an actual diamond ring.

I'd throw away this ring in a heartbeat if I had to choose between it and that black bracelet. I'm a horrible person.

Blake's been away ever since Bahrain, a business trip to the UK. So, unfortunately we haven't been able to properly celebrate our very joyful engagement.

I've been all alone in the house, moping like a sad little kid. I want Charles, I need Charles. I can't have Charles. It's killing me. It's starting to get to my head.

I can't be peaceful in my own mind. I know I want Charles. But I also know I can't have him. I like having Blake around, he's comforting and safe. But I don't like the fact that it feels like I'm keeping him only as a safety net.

I don't want to keep living like this. But no matter what I do, I'll be miserable. Because that's what I've officially been destined to be; miserable.

I love what I do. It's my life. It's everything to me. It's what I've always been meant to do. It's my soulmate I'd even go to say.

I just hate all the other stuff it comes with. I thought I could live with that, with the not having everything. And I can. I just didn't know that my everything would be... Charles.