love, ella [l.h]

january 19, 2013

i haven't left my house at all in days. i have nothing left to live for luke. a new emotion is taking over me and i'm sorry but i can't help but hate you. i hate you so damn much luke. you're all i had left, you were it for me. my parents are gone, i don't have any friends. you were my everything. i hate the fact that you left me for good. i hate that i can't spend the rest of my life with you. i hate that i had to go to your funeral yesterday.

there, at the very end of the aisle, was your closed casket. there you were, your face probably caked with makeup, lifeless, emotionless, and well, dead. i couldn't stand there for more than a minute. there you were, i couldn't see you but you were still right in front of me and i couldn't kiss you, or hug you, or hold you.

i sat with your family, in between ben and jack. i left right after it was over, not talking to anyone. i drove and drove, until i reached that stupid fucking swing set, with that stupid fucking tree, that held some stupid fucking memories.

on top of all the shit i was feeling, it started raining. ha. just like in every book when the 2 people break up, or someone dies. i couldn't believe anything could get any worse. but then again, i'm wrong, and my black dress got soaked and clung to my body. it was january in new york so the rain kinda made sense.

i sat down on the 'stupid fucking swing set' (which is now it's name) and just sat there. i didn't do anything. just sat there and listened to the rain quietly hit the dirt. gosh luke, i'm so glad i wore water proof mascara because them that would've been even more cliché, makeup running down my face. after 20 minutes, my hair was all messed up so i just pulled it out of the up-do it was in. it fell down past my shoulders and down to a couple of inches above my hips. now, my hair was completely drenched and i walked over to that 'stupid fucking tree' (which was also now it's name) and grabbed a big stick and started hitting with all the power i had. obviously, it did nothing and i broke my stick.

i started crying. obviously not quiet tears. it consisted of angry sobs, and me yelling profanities.

i didn't want to stay out here all night, and i walked to my car and drove home. then, i took a shower and fell fast asleep.

i wish you were still here luke. i love you and miss you.

PS
i'm sorry for hitting our tree with a big stick

love, ella