love, ella [l.h]

july 12, 2013

OKAY SO THIS IS NOT A LETTER, IT'S IN REAL LIFE OKAY?

today was my last day in this town. i was leaving for new york, away from the city where i found love, and then lost it. i was nervous but i wasn't sad. too many memories were here, it was tearing me apart no matter how much i've tried to ignore it.

i just came back from telling liz and andrew goodbye, it was really emotional. we all promised to stay in touch, and then i left, to where i am now.

i was at my last stop.

after i parked me car, i walked into the entrance of the cemetery. i'm gonna say goodbye one last time, to luke, and my parents. as always, i talk to my parents first. i stand there, looking down at their grave and start to speak.

"hey mom, dad. i came by to tell you that this is the last time i'll see you in a while. i'm leaving for college," i slightly smiled. "i can't believe it either, i actually finished school. i'm proud of myself, and i know you'd be too. you always wanted me to go to college, so here i go. i'm really scared. what if i happen to find no one who wants to be friends with me? what if i'm lonely? i've been lonely for 7 months and i should be used to it. but i'm sorta not. sure, i like being lonely now, sorta, but this is college. i can't survive it without people talking to me and being there for me." i sighed, and stopped talking for about ten minutes. i just stood there, thinking about college, missing my parents, wondering how i was going to survive without luke by my side.

"i have to go, i love you both and miss you so much. i wish you were here with me, to send your little girl off into the big, scary world. but you're not. and that sucks. i'll be home soon, i love you." i let multiple tear stream down my face. i'm actually leaving.

i turned around and walked  a couple rows up, where luke was.

"hey lucas," i paused as if i expected him to answer me. i just kinda sat there in silence, not really knowing what to say.

"i miss you, ha, a lot," i laughed with absolutely no humor at all. i stared at the sky, still talking to him. "it really sucks that you're not here, to do this with me. i miss you like crazy luke. i'm going to nyc, living out our dream. by myself," i let mode tears fall as i looked down at the grave stone.

"l-luke. i know y-you're not here anymore. and i am so sorry. i-i just wish that i knew h-how broken you really were and maybe, j-just maybe, i could've fixed you. but that's the thing. you didn't want to be fixed, y-you were too busy fixing others around you with your smile and laugh. and nobody knew. i'm s-sorry luke. i loved you so much, you were my best friend and the love of my life. i just wish that there was just o-one last chance that i could have with you. let's get one thing straight. i w-will never, ever forget about you luke hemmings. never. i don't think i will, but, if i ever find love again, i p-promise that i won't ever forget you, or us. you are the biggest part of my l-life and i just wanna thank you so much for making my life happier during the time you were in it. i-i love you. and i promise to w-write," i stopped because i was now full on sobbing and i couldn't speak. i wiped away my tears and recomposed myself. i breathed in deep, and let it out.

"i promise to still write letters to you until the day i die. you'll b-be hearing about my college life, my friends, my possible boyfriend, my possible h-husband. my possible future kids. i'm so sorry that you hated yourself so m-much, that you couldn't be my possible husb-band, and that someone else has to take your place."

i sat down, my legs tucked up against my chest and my arms hang loosely around them. i hid my face in my legs and tried to choke back a sob, but it obviously didn't work. i'm leaving you luke, i thought in my head. i cant believe it. i'm leaving you, and everything behind.

"dammit!" i yelled as loud as i could for a sobbing girl.

i shook my head slightly, looking at his grave again. "dammit," i was now whispering. "why did you have to leave me? y-you meant everything to me."

that was really all i said after that and all that was running through my head was this quote:

"you reminded me of fireworks, so beautiful, but they leave so soon."

i sat there until i realized that the sun had started to slightly go down.

"i have to go luke. i'll cry a lot but i'll be okay," i said trying to convince him, and myself. i stood up, and waved my hand slowly at the ground. "i'm gonna miss you, just like i do every day. just watch over me luke. i love you."

i turned and walked away, not even caring if i was crying at this point. i can cry if i wanted to. i walked to my car, and opened my door. i got inside of it and buckled myself up, and looked through the passenger side window to see all the graves there. i closed my eyes for a couple seconds, thought about what i was about to do. then me and my 546,000,000 pounds of luggage and furniture (not really) started the longish drive to new york.

___________________________

OKAY SO BTW
the book is not over. i still have a plan to finish this book. just wanted to let you guys know that.

SOUNDS GOOD FEELS GOOD CAME OUT TODAY (10/15/15) AND ITS SO BEAUTIFUL OH MY GOSH

And fucking luke hemmings thought it would be cool to change his instagram username from @ luke_is_a_penguin tO FUCKUNG @ LUKE HEMMINGS AND IM NOT F UCKING OKAY BC HOW DARE HE

listen here u lil white boy you better change that shit right now or i'm coming for u

-Madison