love, ella [l.h]

luke's letter

dear ella summers,

by the time you read this, i'll be gone. and for that, i'm so sorry. i'm so sorry that i'm not strong. i don't want you to be sad, but that's inevitable. there is something that you never really knew about me, i'm sorry that i never told you. you deserve to know.

i was diagnosed with depression about four years ago. so sometimes i get really depressed, and hate myself. i'm sick of it. i'm sick of not being happy. being with you made me happy, but i had to leave. the demons' voices in my head are getting stronger, and i can't do anything to stop them. this was my time to go el, and i'm so sorry.

i want you to know that i love you ella. i love you with my entire heart. you mean everything to me and i'm sorry that i couldn't give you the world. you deserve it. you deserve to be so happy. but i don't think i could've given that happiness to you. i'm a mess of a person, and i would probably end up hurting you, like i did everyone else, like i am now. i don't deserve you el, but damn i'm so lucky that i have you. but i just can't deal with everything else anymore.

i'm sorry, i'm so sorry for leaving you like this, in the worst way. but here's what i want you to do for me:

1) i want you to accept my death in your own time, and find someone who loves you as much as i did, even though that's not possible. find someone who will take a bullet for you, who will protect you and be there for you through every trial that pops up. find someone who makes flowers grow in the saddest parts of you. i want you to move on from me, and love someone who can treat you right. please el, for me. grieving constantly over me won't be healthy, and it won't help you. find someone you love, with all of your heart, but please don't forget about me.

2) there's not that much i want you to do. i just want you to be happy. i want you to have beautiful kids, with the man you love. but, i mean, if you don't want kids, then i guess you don't have to have them. just whatever makes you happy, (but i would like you to, so i can watch over your adorable children here in Heaven).

now, don't push anybody away if they love you. but if you don't feel the same, then look for someone who loves you just as much as you love them. when you fall in love again, just accept it. don't even think about what i would feel about it. because first off, i'm not here anymore (i'm sorry) and second off, whatever makes my beautiful girl happy, makes me happy.

now miss summers, i have to go. but like i said before, i love you. i love you so damn much. please don't ever forget it. don't forget all the amazing and beautiful memories that we had. don't forget about our inside jokes. and don't forget me. i love you to the ends of the earth, and please don't blame yourself in any way. you had nothing to do with this. this was all me, this was my decision. take anything you want from my room. literally anything. you can just take my whole room haha.

i will tell your mom and dad that you said hi and that you love and miss them.

please don't forget that i'm truly sorry and i love you.

love, luke robert hemmings
1/14/13