love, ella [l.h]

may 31 2013

dear luke,

school is ending in a couple of days, then i'll be free. i'll graduate, i'll go to college. but what sucks about that is that it was always 'we'll gradate together' and 'we'll go to college together' and now it's just me.

i got into nyu, and i really wish you could be there with me. it was always you and me, always. i miss you so damn much luke, you have no idea.

so my mom's birthday was this month, i went to the cemetery to see her. i miss her a lot, i really do. i don't know if i miss her more than you though, as bad as that sounds. you know that our really relationship wasn't amazing, but it was good. there she was, right next to my dad. i stayed there for a about an hour, telling them everything that's happened since the last time i came. the workers looked over but thought it was normal for me to bawl my eyes out at a cemetery. i cried so hard. i cried hard for my parents, i cried hard for you luke.

you obviously don't know how hard it is to explain to your dead parents that the most important person in your life killed himself.

after i cried my eyes out, it struck me that you were in the same cemetery. i grabbed my stuff and ran to your grave, which i remembered the location from the funeral. you were the third grave down from that old oak tree.

i didn't think i had any tears left. i saw the grave stone, your last name, your birthday and death date. i thought about you're only 6 feet below me, and then my little thought about having no more tears left, was proved false. i fell to the ground and laid down, with my head right beneath the head stone. then i cried hard for you luke, again.

it's been over 5 months, in a couple weeks 6 months since you died. i miss you more and more everyday. i kind of realized that you're not coming back. i don't know if that's accepting it or not, but i'm trying to move on. i can't though, but i know that i can't stay in my house for the rest of my life, crying, writing letters, and looking over pictures.

miss you (like always)

love, ella