Random Thoughts

[1] part 2

today, during japanese class, I was very very very mad.

this is because a certain individual was sitting next to me in the front row!!!! :D

and i call her [1]. because she doesn't deserve to have a name!! :3

annddddddddddddd

she was going on and on about her life and how it was sooooo bad. :(

buuuut i really wanted to tell her what i've told myself a lot before to stop being depressed :D

"you don't deserve to be suicidal, because you are no one, and because you are no one, then you don't deserve happiness. and because you don't deserve happiness, you don't deserve sadness either. and because of that, you don't deserve release from reality

and you think your life is so bad but there are so many people out there who have it wayyyyy worse than you, say the starving people in Africa, the orphans in the world, you even have a scholarship to this school, I don't even have a scholarship to this school, you should be fucking grateful of your life :3

you think your family has such a sob story but have you heard mine? have you read Elon Musk's biography? were you bullied for being smart like him? mahatma was shot in the head at 16 years old in front of her friends on a school bus. have you ever been shot? were you a soldier in a war who watched their family and friends die in front of their eyes? are/were you in a life-or-death situation? this so-called "trauma" you feel just from your mother is an illusion.

you think you have the saddest life ever? you think everyone around you is perfect and has a perfect life other than you? OPEN YOUR FUCKING EYES. life is life, and no one's life is perfect. everyone has problems, some bigger than others. but everyone is still going. except you.

you think being suicidal is something to boast about? you're not even under that much pressure. and to be honest. you owe EVERYTHING to your parentS. (notice the S in parentS - yes, you even have both your parents to support you. if i lived in your life, I would be happy as hell.)

i've seen the times you've spent online, you have a billion online friends, you think i've never noticed? your online status is BLINKING at me every fucking day.

oh, so you get "starved" by your mother. well that's just part of your religion, no need to tell that to every single person you meet. if you were stronger, you'd just kill yourself, or leave your home and i hope you die when you run away.

suicide is a brave act.

and oh, you say you studied from 4-11pm every day from year 4 to year 6? and when i ask you "when did you learn trig" you said year 6. you say "oh yeah tan cos sine those stuff" as if you know anything. then why are you still so bad at maths? I ask what maths class you're in and you say "i'm in core" and start making excuses about a mental blankout. Then i ask you if you've learnt tangent, cotangent and secant, I ask if you've learnt ANY trig identities at all and you said "oh ask me when i'm in the right state of mind" AS IF YOU KNOW THEM AT ALL. AS IF YOU KNOW TRIGONOMETRY AT ALL. YOU DON'T DESERVE THAT FUCKING SCHOLARSHIP. I DO.

...sorry, i think that was a little mean. :( i honestly don't deserve a scholarship either.

actually, i am not sorry at all. i really hate you! :D"

but of course, i'd never say anything like that in front of you because i'm a really nice person. actually im not a nice person.

anyway, in conclusion, your life is a fucking joke that i have no interest in participating in, so please stop messaging me about your VERY privileged life and complaining about your day. also, stop bluffing about your "trigonometry skills" if you don't even know the basics.

at this point i've given up on you killing yourself because you're so weak you can't even do it.

well there goes that idea of the secret i told you going down with you in your grave.

but if I can't unsay what I said, and you can't kill yourself, then i guess that's what i'm here for.

to kill you.

okay let me just end this here because i'm getting unhealthy thoughts in the middle of Christian Studies lmao (Dear God... please forgive me i'm so sorry wahhh)