Skinny Love - Newtmas

Chapter Thirty Two

My eyes are burning and itchy; both from the lack of sleep and the silent crying I've been doing. No matter how badly sleep calls out to me I cannot give into the urge. Newt lays before me, curled up into a small ball, I have my arms securely around him but if I were to fall sleep I have this horrible, sinking feeling that when I wake up he will be gone, run off somewhere and done something horrible to himself.

Last year Newt's grandmother and the rest of his family had said absolutely horrible things to him on Christmas Day because he had come out as gay to them. That's why this year when his mother had told him not to come to Christmas I invited to come to my family's house, I was going to invite him long before I had even heard they had uninvited him - which was appalling to hear that they could do that to somebody so precious like Newt, he deserves to be protected at all costs. This Christmas was supposed to be different, happier, meant to remind Newt that I love him so dearly and as long as we're together everything will be okay. That didn't happen.

Mere hours ago Newt was screaming hysterically how he was a waste of life, how everybody hates him. Just thinking of it again makes me feel sick to my stomach. To see the person whom I love more than words could ever express slipping into such horrible self-loathing is the worst feeling I could ever imagine. I wouldn't wish this feeling on my worst enemy.

Newt had shattered into a million tiny pieces right in my arms, and just like that I fell apart with him. I've had to stay strong for Newt, having me break down in front of him would only scare and upset him more. That's why I've had hitched breathing and tears running down my face for who knows how long while Newt is sleeping.

Newt has attempted suicide once before that he has told me about, causing him to forever be stuck with a limp in his leg. His shaking sobs earlier had scared me so deeply, shook my core and unraveled my heart. If there was a word stronger than love I would use it to define my feelings for Newt, but even then it wouldn't be enough. Newt has become my sunshine, the thing that can brighten my worst days, make me smile when all I want to do is curl into a ball and cry for hours.

I have to do everything in my power to stay awake, if I fall asleep and Newt were to do something to himself I could never, ever forgive myself. I would feel such hatred and self disgust, then I would be the waste of life.

Dark thoughts swirl through my mind and the more I will them to stop the faster they come in. I try to remember what exactly happened at my parent's house. My dad saw me kiss Newt and lost his mind, what did he say again?

Newt please just get out, you aren't welcome in this house anymore.

Is my dad laying in his own bed right now, feeling good for making a teenage boy consider suicide? Is this what he wanted? His son to be so upset he feels physically sick? How could I be related to such scum? Anger courses through my veins and I have to try to slow my breathing, seeing as my hands have balled into fists and they've started to tremble, I don't want to accidentally hurt Newt because of my anger at my father.

Newt should never be treated like this, ever. Newt is a precious human being, he is insecure and fragile at times, but he is beautiful and he is all mine. I honestly can't even picture my life before Newt.

All my memories have run together with these past months with Newt, remembering old holidays and times with friends I picture Newt being there with me even though we hadn't met yet. Sometimes I like to think about what it would be like if I had known Newt my whole life, would it have been like the movies, where best friends fall in love? How would we have met? But then my thoughts fall back to seeing him for the first time in the library and I wouldn't change a thing.