Lights, Camera, Action

Guilty

TWENTY-SEVEN: GUILTY

Alyssa's POV

As excited as I was about getting the big movie role, the happiness quickly faded away. I started to overthink and worry about things, as I usually did. What if I actually wasn't ready for such a huge responsibility? What if filming started and everyone realized that I wasn't cut out for the role after all? Or what if everything went well and the movie was really successful? Even if that happened, everyone would suddenly know my name. I wasn't pretty or perfect enough to become some famous actress. Although I was a somewhat well known Youtuber and a few people knew a lot about me, paparazzi were not a problem that I faced now, and I could usually handle the criticism and hate that I got. But was I really ready to be in magazines and BS news articles all over the internet? Maybe not.

My last movie role was really small. I was barely in the movie at all, and nobody would give a shit about my character when they saw it, so it didn't bother me. And besides, they had put me in a lot of makeup and made me look like a completely different person. I could only hope that the hair and makeup crew for Violets would make me look okay enough to be on the big screen.

My mind was such a mess. For the next week, I was extremely conflicted about the whole situation, and I had a lot of bad days. I tried not to let Mark see that I was so down, but he knew me too well and it wasn't easy to hide. One day he invited himself over when I finally admitted how I was feeling and he brought ice cream that melted as I cried into his chest, leaving dark tear stains all over his shirt. The whole week was a terrible one, and even if I woke up in the morning telling myself that it was a new day and things were going to get better, by afternoon or nighttime, I was back to hating myself and being completely stressed out again. To make things worse, Mark was constantly doing everything he could to check in on me and try to make me feel better. Don't get me wrong, I was thankful for that, but sometimes it made me feel worse that he cared so much. I didn't feel like he should have to be with such a broken, sad person. I wished he could be with someone better than me, and yet he promised that he didn't want to be with anyone else. Why did he want me?

"I'm sorry you have to deal with all my emotional shit. I wish I could be better for you," I told him. He was at my apartment with me while Aubrey had gone back home to stay with her family for a few days. I liked my alone time, but it was dangerous when I was feeling like this.

"Alyssa, you don't need to be better for me," he insisted.

"You're a wonderful, positive, amazing person and you're stuck with an unstable, broken, mess of a girl who is perfectly okay one moment and breaking down the next. You deserve someone better."

"I'm not perfect either, Lys. I get angry over ridiculous things, I get emotional probably too often, and I let a lot of people down, even when I try my best not to. We both have our own flaws and issues but we help each other out and support each other no matter what. You might think that I deserve someone different, but nobody could be better than you. I don't care that you're depressed or that you're up and down a lot. Of course I wish you could be happy all the time, but you're not and that's okay. As long as I can be there for you and make you happy, that's all that matters. That's all I want. I just want you, Lys, because you make me happier than anyone else and I can't even explain why. I don't ever want to lose you, and I don't plan on it ever happening if I can help it," he told me.

"You make me extremely happy too. That might be hard to believe since I'm crying right now, but I'm serious. You always make me feel better when I'm down like this. I'm sorry that you had to come over just to listen to me cry again but I'm really grateful that you did. I might have done something stupid otherwise."

"You don't have to apologize, okay? You're not doing anything wrong. Like I said, I just want you to be happy. You deserve that. I'm always going to be here for you. Please always call or text me if you're thinking about hurting yourself or hopefully even before it gets to that point, okay?" I nodded to him, using my t shirt to wipe my eyes.