Lights, Camera, Action

Healing

THIRTY-FOUR: HEALING

Mark's POV

It took me a long time to feel better after what happened to Daniel. It was such a shock to me, and I felt like I could have done a million things differently to prevent it. I was angry, I was sad, I was empty. I didn't know how I would go on with Youtube or even with life. How would I get over this? How would collaborations go? Cyndago was no more. How would Ryan and Matt be? Would they still keep creating? Would we continue to work together? When would I feel stable enough to get back into my own job? I had a million questions, wonders, feelings, and doubts, and everything felt so strange and uncertain. For a while, I didn't think I'd ever be okay, or that things could ever go back to normal.

I guess things never did go back to normal. Not the normal that I was used to. What was normal had changed. But with time, I did begin to accept that Daniel was gone. I was able to talk about it without getting completely emotional about it, after a little while. The sadness of losing someone never goes away, not entirely. It just gets smaller and smaller, so you can handle it better. I went to a musical celebration of Daniel's life with Ryan and Matt and Daniel's family. Alyssa even made it there, too. It was actually a really amazing event, and it was nice to talk about the positive things in Daniel's life and his talent and everything he had accomplished rather than focusing on the negatives and being depressed about his death. Once that was over, it felt like I had gotten over a huge bump in the road. I was still healing, but things were slowly getting better.

After a few weeks that felt like a few years, I got back into making videos. It took some time to even get back into the normal upload schedule, but it happened. And it wasn't me faking happiness in the videos - I was okay. I would never really get over Daniel's death, but I was okay, and I could begin to move on from it and live my life.

With time, Alyssa began to feel better, too. I was really worried about her. Knowing that she was feeling the same way as Daniel probably was - it was unsettling. She hadn't ever told me that she was suicidal, or that she had ever even thought about the topic at all, so what if she continued to hold it in when she felt that way? I was terrified that I might lose her, so I did whatever I could to show her that I cared. I stayed up with her for quite a few nights, just texting or talking or holding her until she was okay, and she did the same for me. Things got better for both of us, though, and we both threw ourselves into our work.

October arrived, which lightened the mood. We both loved Halloween and horror, so we spent a lot of our free time watching horror movies. Alyssa and Aubrey were going all out for a Halloween themed party, as they usually did for holidays. I was definitely surprised at first when I got to their apartment during the first week of the month and saw caution tape, fake blood, and terrifying images everywhere, but it looked really good. Well, except for the mannequin that they had managed to get their hands on. They used it to scare me multiple times even before it was halfway through the month! It was alright, though. I'd get them back, one day...

"What are our costumes going to be?" Alyssa asked mid-October as we were sitting in the living room of her apartment.

"I don't know."

"You know you guys have to match, right?" Aubrey asked, bringing a box of Cheez-Its into the living room with her.

"Yeah, I was thinking we could do the whole doctor and nurse thing," Alyssa suggested.

"Shut up, nurse!" I yelled, out of habit. I hadn't used that one in a video in a long time, but it was definitely a catch phrase that people associated me with.

"Exactly," Alyssa laughed.

"You don't need people food, you savage!" Aubrey suddenly said as Webster placed his paw on her knee, begging for her snack.

"Webster, stop begging," Alyssa said. He looked at her for a moment, but then went right back to putting his paw on Aubrey's leg to get her attention.

"You know what I've been thinking of doing?" I said.

"What?"

"Getting a dog." Alyssa's eyes immediately lit up.

"Really? What kind?"

"Hopefully a golden retriever. I want to rescue one. I've wanted a dog for a long time, but after everything that's happened, I figured now would be as good a time as ever."

"Oh my gosh, we should go look at dogs right now," she said, grabbing my arm and trying to pull me out off the couch.

"I don't mean literally right now, weirdo! We can focus on Halloween first," I laughed.

"You have a serious canine obsession," Aubrey decided.

"And you're just now realizing this?" Lys questioned her.

"No, but I'm letting you know in case you thought it was healthy." They went on about that topic for a while before I went back to my own apartment. Alyssa and I made plans to go shopping for costumes, which we did a couple days later. We went to a few haunted houses, binge watched Goosebumps on Netflix, and then had one of the greatest Halloween parties I had ever been involved in. As expected, we went with the doctor and nurse costumes, spattered in fake blood for added spoopiness, of course, and the party was a lot of fun.

October was always an exciting and entertaining month, so it was a weird feeling once it had ended. It didn't make sense to me that it was already November, but that meant a lot of good things. It meant that Thanksgiving and Christmas were coming up, and I'd get to spend more time with my family, plus there would be another great party at Alyssa's place soon. Matt and Ryan were returning to LA after being back at home for a while to relax and go through their own healing processes. I was actually planning on moving in with them, too. And finally, I was going to get a dog. November was going to be a better month, and as suddenly as it came, I was looking forward to it. Sometimes, you just have to keep the positive vibes going, even when almost everything feels negative. You have to find one, two, maybe a few good things and cling to them, and that was what I was going to do.

Hey guys, sorry that it was a short filler chapter. We're getting back to happier, more positive chapters now! Originally, I wasn't going to include Mark living with Matt and Ryan in this story, but I've decided to change that. They seem to be having a blast doing videos together and now they all have a new addition to the family (Mark's new dog, Chica), and I want that to be a part of this. 

As a side note, I have an opportunity for you guys. If you're following me, you might have seen this message, so I apologize for repeating it so much. However, I'm planning on going to Indy Pop Con again in 2016. If everything goes as planned, I'll be there for a couple days this time and I'll be way more prepared! Anyways, I'm filling journals for Mark and Jack with messages from fans who can't make it there (or to conventions in general) to meet them. There will be one journal for Mark, and one for Jack. Pop Con isn't until June 17th, so it's pretty far away, but I wanted to present this opportunity early so people would have time to think their messages through without worrying about rushing for a submission date. This also gives me plenty of time to not only purchase and decorate journals, but also to neatly write all the notes as well as complete my other gifts that I'll be making for the guys. That all being said, I'm giving everyone until the beginning of June to send me their messages. I've received a few already, so if you have time to think about what you want to say to them and you want to submit messages for the journals now, awesome! If not, I'll keep reminding everyone of this opportunity throughout the months leading up to the convention, so don't worry! Just send me a private message on here or a DM to my Insta (fanfics_for_days) if you're interested in participating! 

And now I'm done rambling about non story related things! As usual, please vote for this part if you enjoyed it, and by now you know that I love reading and answering comments, so feel free to do that as well. Thanks so much for reading :)