Love, Dreams and Regrets

Stings

"Tem, ang ganda nung article na sinulat mo. 5 Things To Remember: The Back-up Plan. Akalain mong may ganoon dapat? Pero alam mo, bet na bet ko iyong mga nakalagay doon. Winner! Wala nang taong magiging tanga dahil sa pag-ibig." Anunsyo ni Jee na may kasama pang pagkumpas kumpas ng kamay sa harap ko.

"Kaibigan ka nga, ang OA mo kasi." Natawa ako sa mga sinabi nito saka naiiling na ipinagpatuloy ang pag-aayos ng kalat sa dressing room.

Madame Letty, our editor-in-chief, read my article and decided to include it in this month's issue. I basically wrote my thing, my own experience because I wanna share a piece of advice to people out there who are loving too much.

"Pinuri na nga natawag pa akong OA." Bulong bulong nito. Narinig ko ang pagpalipat lipat ng papel. Nilingon ko si Jee at nakita kong hawak niya ang magazine issue namin ngayon. Tumigil siya sa isang pahina at tumikhim bago sinimulang basahin ang nakalagay doon.

Are you in love? Have you loved someone too much that you forgot the things to remember when in love? Well then, here's a list for you:

1. Remember to always use both heart and mind in making decisions. Your heart will show you how it feels and your mind will tell you what to feel. Never let your emotions override your judgement.
2. Pray. Keep your relationship with the Lord. He will guide you to make the right decisions and He will be your strength when all things fail. If you can love a person too much then it wouldn't hurt to give Him some of that love, right?
3. Time not only for the one you love but for your family and your friends. You cannot just give all of your time to the one you love. Spend it with the people who loves you as well.
4. Loving too much can kill you. Not literally, though but it can and it will. There will come a day that you'll wake up trying to figure out who you are because you unknowingly lose yourself from loving that person too much. So love enough, not too less that they would wanna leave you and not too much that you would lose yourself.
5. Last in the list and the most important thing is, YOU. You are important. Remember that you exist and that you need to be loved as well. Protect yourself in the process of loving someone and love YOU just as much as you love that person or even more than you love that person.

There are moments in life, and more so in love, that are inevitable. Now these are not just a bunch of things I listed for you to remember when in love, these are also things to get you through when that phase of your life is over.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, this is the world, this is reality. Never ever forget that there are other people worthy of your love and your time. Love but love not only one. Spend time with all of them.

This will be your back-up plan.

Nakatulala lamang ako. Those are the things I failed to do when I was loving Ted. Now I know what I did wrong in our relationship aside from leaving him. I simply loved him a little too much. At ngayong alam ko na ang mali, itatama ko iyon. I'll start loving myself again.

"Di ba? Ang bongga ng sinulat mo! Saan mo hinugot ang lahat ng iyon? Teka, huwag mo nang sagutin kasi alam ko na ang sagot. Clue, three-letter word iyon at nagsisimula sa T." Biro niya pa. Tumatawang umiling ako ng marahan.

Sinulat ko iyon na tanging inspirasyon ang karanasan at sariling pangarap, yun lang at walang iba. Walang Ted because before him, I had my dream. This was my dream. Gusto kong ako iyong dating Tem. Gusto kong maging siya ulit dahil hindi ko na kayang maging ang Tem ngayon.

Siguro naman sapat na yung sampung taon akong nasaktan at nagsisi, tama na naman yung kabayaran sa ginawa ko sa kanya.

"Mama, we will have retreat before the school ends." Pahayag ni Tammie habang kumakain kami kinagabihan.

"Hmm. Really? Saan daw?" I asked.

"They said school lang po pero overnight daw." Tumango ako. Okay lang naman iyon. Spiritual healing is good. I should do that too.

"And Ma?" Tila nag-aalangan siya sa pagtawag sa akin.

"Yes honey?" I urged her that it's okay.

"Dada...may sinabi pong news sa akin si Dada." She said still uneasily. Napakunot naman ang noo ko. Anong news? I'm curious pero hindi ako nagtanong sa anak ko. I want her to tell me in her own time.

"He says...Ma, will you be okay?" She asked laced with concern. Ngumiti ako at tumango. Mas mukhang siya ang hindi okay sa amin. Huminga siya ng malalim at mabilisang binigkas ang mga salita. "He says he's getting married."

Kinapa ko ang sarili ko. Yes I am bothered but that's because I feel nothing. I should be hurt or sad or cry but I just feel empty. It all seems okay to me. Kaya ko ang isiping ikakasal siya sa iba.

I smiled at Tammie. "Well, that's good for your Dada. Tell him my best wishes." Nakita ko ang pagtataka at lungkot sa mukha ng anak ko kaya agad nawala ang mga ngiti ko.

"Honey, are you okay?" Yumuko ito at dahan-dahang umiling.

"Ma, I don't want him to get married. I don't want a stepmother. I want you two back together. I want him here with us. But I can't be selfish, right? It's wrong and it is bad." Malungkot akong napangiti sa mga sinabi ng anak ko. I'm so proud of how smart she grew up to be.

"Come here, honey ko." Agad naman itong tumalima at kumandong sa akin. "I am so proud of you dahil alam mo ang tama sa mali. Just be happy for your Dada because you know, I am." Hinalikan ko siya sa sentido. Humarap siya sa akin ng naluluha.

"Are you sure po, Ma? Hindi ka lang nagpipretend na okay?" Naniniguradong tanong niya pa.

"Hindi po, honey." I kissed her cheeks soundly. "Okay na okay si Mama so please be okay too?" Yumakap siya sa akin ng tahimik.

"You sound like you have moved on from Dada. Have you, really?" Bulong niya matapos ang ilang sandaling pananahimik. Nakamove on na nga ba ako?

"Not totally but I'm getting there." Mahinang sagot ko. Huminga ako ng malalim at niyakap siya ng mas mahigpit nang maramdaman ko ang marahan niyang paghikbi. "I know this is hard for you, everything you believed and wished are far too gone. Yung pangako kong mamahalin ang Dada mo at hindi susukuan, iyong makasama natin siya, iyong tayong pamilya. Alam kong nasasaktan ka ngayon and I'm sorry that we can't give you what you want the most but this is the best we can offer, Tammie. We are trying to give you the best out of our situation. Mas mabuting wala kami sa buhay ng isa't isa pero lagi mong tatandaan that we will always be in yours." Mas naging malakas ang paghikbi niya.

"You are one smart kid. I know you'll eventually understand anak." Patuloy ko. Tumango siya kahit alam kong hirap pa din siyang tanggapin ang lahat but kilala ko ang anak ko. Gaya nga ng sabi ko ay matalino siya at madali niyang mauunawaan ang lahat kaya hindi ako takot na kamuhian niya ako o kaming dalawa ni Ted.

Idinuyan ko ang aking katawan kasama ang kanya upang pakalmahin siya habang patuloy ang pagbulong ng sorry sa kanya.

Nasasaktan ako para sa anak ko. I want to protect her from all of this but it's futile. Masasasaktan pa din naman siya kung patuloy siyang aasa and in the end ay ganito lang din ang kalalabasan. If there's another thing I've learned then that is to embrace the pain, feel it, never avoid it 'cause the more you try to avoid it the more it stings.