Love, Dreams and Regrets

Regret At Its Finest

"Mama! Mama! Mama!" Nagising ako sa paulit ulit na tawag ni Tammie habang tumatalon sa higaan. She's already seven years old and is looking like her father as she grows up. Everytime I look at her she reminds me that, once in my life, I found true love and true love found me.

"Honey, don't jump on the bed baka mahulog ka." Tumigil naman na ito at humagikgik na humiga sa tabi ko. Hinalikan ako nito sa noo. She's really sweet which again reminds me of her father.

"Mama, get up na po. Di po ba you said we'll visit Mamu and Papu today? I wanna play with Shaki." Pakiusap nito.

"Okay, honey. Pupunta tayo dun. You miss Shaki na?" Tanong ko dito. Ngumuso ito habang tumatango-tango. Napangiti ako at ginulo ang buhok nito. My Tammie is so cute.

"Honey, sabihan mo na si Nana Linda mo na paliguan ka at ayusan. I'll prepare na din." Agad naman itong tumalima. Narinig ko pa itong excited na sinisigawan ang isa na ayusan na siya.

Nasa sasakyan na kami papunta sa bahay ng mga magulang ko.

"Mama, Tita Beauty says she's coming home. Tinanong ko if Dada will come with her, hindi daw kasi busy pa rin daw si Dada sa work niya." Nanigas ang mga kamay ko sa sinabi ng anak ko. She's referring to Bianca. B lets Tammie call her Tita Beauty. And yes, Tammie knows who her father is and that's because Bianca told her. I've explained everything to her, my daughter may be young but she's really smart. She understands the situation that her father doesn't know that she's his daughter. At mabuti nalang napakiusapan ko itong ilihim muna nito ang katotohanang iyon.

Bianca always updates her about her father and she also keeps checking him over the web. Even if she agreed with me to keep it a secret, I can see that my daughter's longing for her father. She wants to meet him at natatakot akong mangyari iyon dahil baka kunin siya sa akin ni Ted.

"Honey, we talked about this right? Your Dada is working." Paliwanag ko dito.

"And he doesn't know about me. Kaya nga Mama I wanna meet him. I wanna tell him I'm his daughter. You said if I'll be a really good girl he might want to meet me too. I've been good naman di ba po Mama?" Nanikip ang dibdib ko sa sinabi nito.

"Yes honey, you've been very good and I'm sure he'll be glad to meet you too. You just have to remember what I always tell you, patience is a virtue." Nakakaintinding tumango ito sa akin. I lovingly caressed her head.

Nakita kong kinuha nito ang iPod sa bag nito at ikinabit sa speaker ng kotse. Binalot ng isang pamilyar na kanta at boses ang loob ng sasakyan.

This is the clock upon the wall
This is the story of us all
This is the first sound of a newborn child,
Before he starts to crawl

This is the war that's never won
This is a soldier and his gun
This is the mother waiting by the phone,
Praying for her son

Tammie was singing along to her father's song. Halos lahat ng kanta ni Ted ay nakadownload sa iPod nito at lahat ng albums niya ay meron kami sa bahay. I bought every single album he released. And if I can, I'll go watch every concert he has. In every state or in any country.

Pictures of you, pictures of me
Hung upon your wall for the world to see
Pictures of you, pictures of me
Remind us all of what we used to be

There is a drug that cures it all
Blocked by the governmental wall
We are the scientists inside the lab,
Just waiting for the call
This earthquake weather has got me shaking inside
I'm high up and dry

Dati rati ay kinakantahan niya ako palagi ng libre. Anytime, anywhere basta hilingin ko ay kakanta siya para sa akin. And whenever I can't fall asleep, he'll sing me lullabies. Ngayon ay hanggang recorded albums ko nalang siya naririnig and he doesn't only sing exclusively for me anymore. He's gone cause I chose to share him to the world.

Confess to me, every secret moment
Every stolen promise you believed
Confess to me, all that lies between us
All that lies between you and me

We are the boxers in the ring
We are the bells that never sing
There is a title we can't win no matter
How hard we might swing

If I confess to him my every secrets and lies, will he listen? Will he understand my reasons? Will he ever forgive me for lying?

Natatakot akong 'no' ang sagot sa lahat ng tanong kong ito. I'm afraid that I haven't regretted it enough. Na kulang pa din ang pagsisising dinala ko sa loob ng walong taon na hinayaan kong mawala siya sa akin.

Buong maghapon ay nandoon lamang kami sa bahay ng mga magulang ko. Nasa may garden ako nang sa likod bahay habang si Tammie naman ay nilalaro si Shaki, ang alagang aso nila dito.

"Tem." Tawag pansin sa akin ni Mama.

"Yes, Ma?"

"Okay ka lang ba? Hindi mo naman kailangang magtiis ng ganito, anak. Bakit kasi hindi mo na sabihin sa kanya ang lahat, maiintindihan ka naman siguro niya." Marahang sabi nito.

Napabuntong hininga ako at umiling. "Ayos lang po ako. Huwag niyo akong alalahanin, okay? Ang sarili niyo ang isipin niyo. Iniinom niyo po ba ang mga gamot niyo?" Tumango ito bilang sagot.

"Anak, ang lagi mo lang tatandaan ay lagi kaming nandito ng Papa mo. Alam kong nasasaktan ka sa mga balita at ayokong isipin na pati ang apo ko ay ganoon din ang nararamdaman." Bumaling ito kay Tammie sa di kalayuan, sumunod ang tingin ko dito. Alam kong naiintindihan naman ni Tammie ang sitwasyon pero hindi pa rin maipagkakaila na kagaya ko ay nasasaktan din ito sa tuwing may nakikitang babae ang ama.

"Ang pagkakamali ay hindi tinatakbuhan o kinakalimutan, ito ay itinatama hanggang sa makakaya. Alam kong dumating ka sa puntong nagsisi ka sa naging desisyon mo noon para sa inyong dalawa pero huwag. Tignan mo ang ngayon at ang noon. Alalahanin mo kung bakit ka nagsakripisyo at kung anong naging bunga nito. Never ever question the decisions you've made cause it's what supposed to happen, it's what He wants to happen." Nakakaunawang tumango ako. Naiintindihan ko naman talaga at alam ko din na everything happens for a reason and that is to serve their purpose ngunit hindi ko pa rin maiwasang isipin na sana, kung sana, hindi ko ginawa iyon noon masaya na siguro kami ngayon. Hindi na pagsisisi ang nararamdaman ko kundi malaking panghihinayang at ang kirot na dulot nito.

But it's still the same thing, it's just regret at its finest. Dahil pagnagsisi ka, pinagsisisihan mo lang ang naging desisyon mo and you may think it's already distressing. Pero ang panghihinayang, it goes with the what ifs at consequences ng desisyon mo. It's the kind of feeling wherein you just wanna undo everything cause you think things could've gotten better.