Autumn is a second spring

121. Giving up.

Kao had just gotten back from work, exhaustion weighing on his shoulders. He loosened his tie as he stepped into the quiet house, the kind of silence that made him uneasy. He knew Boun was upstairs, taking care of Prem, and he had been silently hoping that by the time Prem woke up, the two of them would finally talk, clear the misunderstandings, and stitch back what had been unraveling for too long.

He poured himself a glass of water in the kitchen. The cool liquid soothed his parched throat, but before he could set the glass down, movement caught his eye.

Boun emerged from the upstairs hallway like a lifeless shadow, his steps heavy, shoulders sagging, eyes staring ahead but not really seeing.

Kao's heart lurched. He quickly set down the glass with a sharp clink and rushed toward his brother. "Boun," he called, grabbing his biceps firmly, forcing him to stop. "What happened? Did you two... did you resolve things?"

For a long moment, Boun just stared at him, his eyes hollow, empty. Then, as if the weight of it finally broke him, he leaned against Kao's shoulder.  

"Prem told me... he told me he doesn't love me anymore," Boun whispered, his voice raw and trembling. "He said it's over. I... I don't know what I am supposed to do now."

Kao tightened his grip on his brother's arms, shaking his head. "What are you saying? Don't—"

But Boun pulled back slightly, his lifeless eyes meeting Kao's. "Maybe this is what I deserve. Someone like me doesn't deserve love in the first place."

Kao frowned, anger and sorrow mixing in his chest. "What nonsense are you blabbering about?"

Boun gave a bitter, humorless laugh. "Our relationship was doomed from the start. Why would someone like Prem — handsome, kind, talented — stay with someone like me? I am mentally unsound, I have slept with God knows how many people, and I carry every bad label imaginable. Prem was right to call me selfish. I dragged him into my mess out of my own selfishness. He could have been much happier without me."

Kao's chest tightened as he heard his brother rip himself apart with every word. He let out a long sigh, his voice softer this time. "You are not the Boun you used to be. You have change yourself. Stop looking down on yourself like this."

He tugged Boun gently but firmly toward the living room, pushing him down onto the couch. He sat across from him, eyes steady. "Listen to me. The real issue here isn't whether you're good enough. The real issue is that Prem doesn't feel like you love him enough."

Boun's eyes flinched at that. His lips parted as if to protest, but Kao pressed on.

"And that's ridiculous," Kao continued. "Because I know, better than anyone, that you love Prem more than he could ever imagine. You have done more for him than he even knows."

Boun's brows furrowed, his mouth pulling into a line. Kao could see the doubt eating away at him, so he pushed further, his voice firm.

"I remember how you used to refuse therapy, how you hurt yourself, how you drowned in alcohol and parties. You didn't care about yourself. But after Prem came into your life, everything changed. You started therapy. You gave up drinking, stopped partying, built a healthier routine. You wanted to be better, for him."

Boun muttered under his breath, eyes lowering. "And in the end, the one who benefitted was me."

"Yes, you benefitted," Kao admitted, leaning forward, "but don't you see? Without your love for Prem, none of that would have happened. That's love, Boun."

Boun didn't look convinced. His silence was telling, so Kao continued, layering reminder upon reminder.

"And when Prem started that sports center — remember how few clients he had? It was you who used your connections, pulled strings, and got people to sign up. You gave his venture a successful start when no one else believed in him."

Boun's fingers twitched in his lap.

"And his parents," Kao pressed on, his voice tightening. "Every time they fell sick, you were the one who stepped in. Especially when his father had surgery — you went all the way to Chiang Mai, stayed there to help his mother. Because you didn't want Prem distracted when he was preparing for a tournament. Prem doesn't even know his father had another heart attack during the Australian Open finals. You handled it all alone so Prem could play without worry."

Boun's throat worked, his lips parting slightly in shock that Kao even knew.

Kao's voice softened. "And what about the time Prem's haters tried to defame his company? You dealt with it. You fought them off before the news even reached him. For years, you have been supporting him, protecting him, changing yourself so that he could be happy. Tell me, Boun — how could anyone say that's not love?"

Kao reached out, patting his brother's shoulder, steady and grounding. "What Prem wants isn't more love. He wants his insecurities addressed. That's all. If you can do that, you can solve everything."

Boun lifted his head slowly, his eyes dazed. His lips trembled as he whispered, "That's the problem, Phi. I don't understand what his insecurities are. I don't understand why he feels insecure at all."

Kao leaned back slightly, letting Boun gather himself for a moment. 

Boun's eyes flickered, haunted by a mixture of exhaustion and resignation. "Prem has always... controlled everything in our relationship. I trusted him to make decisions for us, for me, for Bew. Everything — the house we live in, Bew's kindergarten, even the dog food we feed Latte — Prem decided it all. I never questioned it. I trusted him completely."

Kao nodded slowly, absorbing the confession. 

Boun's hands clenched into fists. "I don't know. I can't read him. Everyone says Prem deserves better. And I know that. That's why I have been trying my best. But they also say I never address his insecurities. I... I don't know how I am supposed to know what they are, especially when he never tells me!"

Kao swallowed hard. He could see the torment in Boun's eyes, the frustration that had been building for years. 

"Even the recent... the fake proposal incident." Boun gulped bitterly. "Even then. If he didn't want a scene at the office, he could have waited for me to come home. He could have summoned me, yelled at me, been angry — anything. But he never told me. The last time he spoke up about anything was when he worried about Bew being close to Merlin."

Kao knew what had happened.

"You made Merlin sign a contract, to assure Prem that Bew would never be taken away from us. Even though she was the biological mother. You didn't want Prem to worry. You hurt Merlin, but you managed to make Prem feel safe."

Kao pressed his lips together, remembering the tension that had caused Merlin so much pain. "You did it for him," he said softly.

"Yes. But I should have seen this coming," Boun said, his voice faltering. "Ever since Prem rejoined the national team, it's felt like he has been pulling away. We barely communicate. Even when we do, it's over the phone for fifteen minutes, if that. In the past year, Prem has spent just thirty-six days at home with us. Thirty-six days, Phi. I have kept count.  And of those, fewer than twenty were full days. When he has been away the whole time and it's hard to even reach him."

Kao's chest tightened at his brother's words. He could see how Boun's heart had been slowly breaking, little by little, over months and years.

Boun continued, voice cracking, "Sometimes I missed him so much, I sneaked into his tennis training site, even though overnight visitors weren't allowed. And I got reprimanded. I knew he loved tennis more than me sometimes. I didn't blame him, but... I started wondering if he loved it more than he loved me. And maybe he realized it wasn't worth being with me."

Kao's eyebrows knit together. "Boun... are you saying you are giving up on him?"

Boun shook his head slowly, but his eyes were resigned. "It's better this way. Prem should be with someone who understands him. Someone who doesn't make him put in so much effort to be happy, someone who doesn't make him cry like I did. I want him to be happy, Phi."