Uncontrollable Feeling

Chapter 51

Kristal Anderson

"No, no, no, we should go back. I mean, what do I even say? How do I act? How do I look at him? I don't think I'm ready for this." The words slipped from my lips in a jumbled, rambly mess. I don't think I'd ever been so nervous in my entire life; my palms were beginning to feel raw from wiping them over my jeans to get rid of the sweat coating them.

"Hey, breathe, baby." Aiden's voice broke through my spiralling thoughts, giving me momentary clarity. His hand was suddenly on my chin, turning my face toward him, grounding me in his own way. "Look at me," 

I followed his words, my eyes meeting his, that tender look instantly inspiring calmness within me. Maybe I was overreacting, knowing me, I probably was. But I couldn't help it. 

Today marked a new beginning for me; I was willingly opening myself up to my past and meeting my father. But it felt more like I was meeting a stranger; I hardly remembered anything about him. His face, his voice, his laugh, all of it was intentionally scrubbed from my brain by my guardian angel and replaced with nothing but bad memories. The man that I had spent nearly two decades being taught to hate, being conditioned to see as nothing but a murderous monster. 

Part of me was scared that I would still see him that way, that when I saw him for the first time, my fight or flight response would be activated. I was terrified that after so many years of conditioning, my body would crumble in fear. 

That woman broke me beyond repair because I was struggling to find the root of my anxiety; was it just nervousness or fear that she was somehow always right about everything? 

He didn't deserve that, that doubt that still lingered in the back of my mind, because part of me still refused to accept that my life was a lie. After everything he'd been through, he needed someone who wouldn't get so in their head about things. He needed someone strong, sure of herself, someone who truly saw him for what he was: an innocent man without years of fake narratives ingrained in her brain.

"What if he ends up hating me? That nine-year-old girl, t-that's no longer me. What if I'm not what he expected?" My thoughts were spiralling out of control, and I didn't know how to stop it. My brain was going through every possible scenario, feeding into my anxiety.

"Kristal," Aiden spoke softly, the hand on my chin moving to my cheek. He used his thumb to caress the skin, staring right into my soul, making me wait for him to continue, "your father wrote to you for nearly two decades. You told me that two things always made you smile when you read them. What were they?" 

He knew what they were; he just wanted me to say them out loud, to pull me out of the spiral. "Every single letter, he called-" I paused, a soft smile crawling its way up my lips, "he called me Birdie, and he always ended them with I love you to the stars and back," Saying those things out loud suddenly made my spiral of panic sound so pathetic and unreasonable.

"That man loves you, Darlin, and I know that you love him just as much. Life pulled you two apart in the most cruel and unfair way, but the universe is giving you both another chance, a fresh start to make up for those sixteen years. Do you really wanna waste this opportunity?" 

 What did I do to deserve Aiden Vasilakis? For the longest time, I thought that men like him only existed in books, yet here he was as real as the sun. All of him, completely and utterly mine. 

I leaned in, closing the distance between our lips, "I" I pecked his lips, "hate" another peck, "how you always know exactly what to say." That earned a chuckle from him, "It always makes me feel like such a drama queen."