Daughter of Mayhem

Secret plans

We returned to the hotel room and I admittedly made a bee line for the bathroom before anyone could talk to me. I didn't want anyone to talk to me right now. The guilt was consuming me and I had this tightness in my chest threatening to choke me. I shut the bathroom door behind me and quickly turned on the shower. I started throwing my clothes off trying to rush to get in the shower but then I caught my reflection. My eyes were blood shot with tears filling them and my cheeks were wet from my fallen tears. I hadn't even realized I was crying. All I could seem to think about was that man's car going up in flames. It wasn't an easy way to go and the thought of it made my stomach start to churn. Before I knew it I was lunging for the toilet holding it on both sides as I begin to throw up. I heard a knock on the door but couldn't stop throwing up long enough to tell whoever it was to go away. The door cracked open and I heard it quickly shut. Soon after I felt hands begin to pull my hair back and I tried to see who it was but I started throwing up again. Thing was though I had nothing left to throw up so all I was doing was dry heaving. "Do you want me to get Jax," I hear a voice I recognize as Joey's say. I shake my head no keeping my face near the toilet. I really hated throwing up with my face so close to a toilet. My germ OCD always started to kick in. I straighten sitting up away from the toilet and turned to look at Joey with tears streaming down my cheeks. I didn't even try to hold back the tears now. He wrapped his arms around me holding me to his chest and whispered,"I know this was tough for you baby girl. Even with the circumstances you are not a killer. Your gentle Sarah and that's ok. In fact it's wonderful. You know are crew could never hold it together without you because when shit hits the fan your the light that keeps us on track. We will get through this and we can go back to our normal lives again." I begin to cry again and I manage to say through tears,"There is no going back for me Joey. I helped kill a man tonight. I have to live with that the rest of my life. Thing is I can't even stop there because the threat isn't gone and I have no choice but to help keep our children safe. So I will go out again and take another life." Joey grabbed my face leaning me back to look at him and says,"No you don't have to. You can be there but I don't want you to be the one to make the kill. One of us can do it Sarah." "Thank you," I said looking into his eyes wondering how things would be if Hope hadn't came back. I would be out of this life for one and not running into the arms of a man that would throw me right back into this life. I was so tired of the danger and it made me wonder if I was doing the right thing. The danger to my kids and myself would be real. "Do you think Jax and I are a good idea," I ask Joey looking away from him at the floor. He sighs before saying,"I can't say there. Honestly I'm a bit nervous of you being in this life with our son. We left this life for our kids. Though I see it I know you love him. It's tough but you know maybe you can get him out of this life. After all he is line for being president and there is a deal that could patch you in. You could take the club on a complete different path. A legal and legit path." I look up at Joey and I felt like all the puzzle pieces had fallen together. Joey was completely right and I knew what would need to be done in the future. I had to tell Jax about the journals but I had to be careful or it would crumble around me.

     I laid in bed waiting on Sarah to join me. Joey had came out over and hour ago and had pulled me to the side. He told me Sarah would kick his ass if she  knew he was talking to me about this stuff but he had to. I guess she was torn to pieces in the bathroom throwing up and crying. He said she was torn to pieces about what happened tonight. Then he had asked me to help make sure she never had to take a life again. I agreed to help it was easy enough. I love her and didn't want her to do anything that would hurt her. I could tell the drive home she was hurting too. She hadn't said a word just turned the music on and stared straight ahead. I don't think she even saw me watching her or noticed the tears that had steadily been falling from her eyes the entire drive home. I was snapped out of my thoughts by the door opening and Sarah coming through it. Her hair was in a braid running down her back and all she wore was a black tank top with pink boy shorts. "I can never get over how beautiful you are darling," I say as she climbs up on the bed sitting on it facing me. I see her start to blush as she says,"I don't feel beautiful right now. I feel tired and worn out." I lean over kissing her and running my hands down the side of her cheek when she suddenly pulls back. She stares at me and she looks like she is about to cry when she ask,"Jax have you ever wondered if this was where your dad wanted to take the club?" "This is the way he took it so I would assume but why do you ask," I ask her. She starts to twirl her thumbs in circle around each other and I know she most be nervous. "Sarah what's going on," I ask her this time nudging her chin up so she had to face me. She starts crying this time as she says,"I didn't just find journals off my mom's but some of my dad's too. You know how he started here in Charming before he had became wanted and went to Belfast. Well him and your dad were close like real close. They had talked about the club and talked about how they thought they should go legit but not all the members thought the same. Clay had some convinced that gun running was going line their pockets with money. I think your dad and mine wanted out of the gun business. You can't tell anyone I found those or that I told you. Please Jax don't tell." "Darling I would never tell anything you tell me in private," I say trying process what she just told me,"Honestly my brain has been fucked up with the club ever since I had a kid on the way. I wonder if one day he is going be pointing a gun at someone and pulling the trigger just cause he wants to follow in my foot steps. Though what can I do I'm only VP. The real pull is behind the chair and Clay will never get out of gun running." She reaches across the bed and takes my hand in her's before saying,"You're right. The real pull is behind the chair but how much longer do you really think Clay is going last behind that chair. I've watched him he can barely grip his handle bars. I can only imagine how his hands feel after a fight. You can make this club what your dad wanted it to be and I'll patch in so I can help you." I look up at her in shock. I knew what she was saying was true but I couldn't let her patch it. The patch did stuff to you and I couldn't let that happen to her. I begin to shake my head no as I said,"I don't know what moves we will make but I agree with you. I think that gun running is going destroy us. We have time to think about it though I do know I don't want you to patch in unless there is no other choice." "Ok that's fine," she says climbing on top of me to kiss me,"though I'm exhausted this day has took its toll on me. I want to just lay in your arms right now and sleep." "Sure thing darling," I say while throwing her off me on her side of the bed. "Ass," she says while laughing. I roll over facing her and pull her towards me wrapping my arms around her. "I love you Sarah," I say as I kiss her forehead. " I love you to Jax," she replies smiling up at me. She lays her head down on my chest and I start thinking of everything she had just said to me. She had valid points. I knew from her side she was worried about the downs that came from the club and she wanted a way to fix it. If planned right the idea could work and I wouldn't have to worry about my family being hurt or getting in the cross hairs of ATF. The law had been a constant worry of the club and if I was honest with myself I was tired of it. I was also tired of all the death. I heard the quiet snore coming from Sarah and I knew she was asleep. I leaned over kissing her on her forehead again before closing my eyes and drifting off to sleep.