Daughter of Mayhem

The funeral

    I awoke to an empty bed but next to me on the pillow was a flask and a folded up piece of paper. I buried my head back in the pillow not wanting to face this day. Today was the day I buried my brother and I suddenly didn't feel strong enough. Then I remembered the liquid courage laying beside me with the note. I threw the covers off me and sat up in bed and reached for the note.

      Baby girl, I know going through this day isn't going be easy. I know you are going want to feel the burn of the whiskey. I also know your family needs you today. They need you to be strong. So I filled this flask with the best whiskey the club had. It's not enough to get you drunk but I do know it will offer you that burn of courage you need. Now get dressed and paint a mask on and stand by your family.

     Love you,
     Gemma

     I laid the note down and smiled at Gemma trying give me old lady advice. I unscrewed the lid of the flask and took a drink of it letting the whiskey burn it's way down my throat. "Ok Sarah lets do this," I said to myself as I hoped out of the bed to go get in the shower.

    I walked into my room at the club to find the bed empty and the sounds of the shower coming out of the bathroom. I smiled to myself as I imagined Sarah naked in the shower and the water running down her new SamCro tattoo. I was snapped out of my thoughts as Joey came through the bedroom door. "Oh sorry man I was just trying to get Hayden's suit for today," he says as both our eyes spot it on the dresser at the same time. "Over there," I say pointing across the room. "Thanks bro," Joey says walking across the room to grab the suit. "How is she today," he ask while turning back to face me. Right then the bathroom door opens and Sarah walks out of it with a towel wrapped around her. "I'm fine," she says crossing the room to grab the dress that was hanging on the trim of the closet door. "Is that Serenity's," Joey ask pointing at the dress on the bed. She nods and Joey ask her,"You want me to take it to her?" Sarah shakes her head before saying,"Jax can take it to her but thank you." She turns and smiles at both of us before she returns to the bathroom and shuts the door. "That was weird," Joey and I say at the same time. I look to Joey and say,"Yeah for a woman who wears her emotions on her sleeves she was pretty emotionless." Joey grunts in agreement and slaps me on the back. He turns to the door but before he goes he says,"You better hurry and get that to Serenity. Sarah hates nothing more then running behind." I laughed as I watched him go. I walked over picking the black tutu dress off the bed and turn around leaving the room. I could hear the sound of laughter coming from Chibs' room as I entered the hallway so I headed his way. I knocked on the door waiting for Chibs to get it. The door opens and Chibs ask, "Jackie boy, what do you have there?" "This is yours to get changed into darling," I say holding the dress out to Serenity, "I'll be out there at a table when your done. I'm going to fetch your new shoes." She nodded smiling at me at the same time before grabbing the dress and skipping off to the bathroom. "She talks about you all the time now, Jackie boy," I hear Chibs say to me as I'm walking off. "I hope I live up to what she expects," I tell Chibs as I turn around to face him again. He sighs before saying, "She doesn't expect much. She has seen to much in her small life and is way to wise beyond her years. All she wants is your love and loyalty boy." "Then I guess I can't fail because she already has that," I say before turning off to find the shoes from my room. I walk in to find Sarah standing there in front of the mirror in my room doing her makeup. She was in a black dress that stopped right above her knee and wrapped around her shoulders was a black shaw. You could definitely tell where she was going. "Is Serenity dressed," she ask turning around to face me. I walk up to her holding her to my chest knowing this wasn't easy for her. I kiss her on her head and say,"Just came for her shoes darling." "I love you," she whispers as she pulls me down to her and kisses my lips ever so gently. "I love you too," I reply as I pull away smiling at her and go to take my daughter her shoes.

      We pulled up to the cemetery and all you can see is a street full of motorcycles and street cars. I let a breath out as Jax walked around the car to open my door. Once he opens the door he offers me a hand and I put my hand in his as I exit the car. I watch as Joey, Hope, Ty, Arman, and myself stood in front of our cars looking up the hill at where the casket was. Then I look to my left and Sophia is standing there lip trembling with tears filling her eyes. "Walk Serenity up please," I ask Jax as I walk over to Sophia. When I reach her I link my arm in hers and whisper,"We can get through this." I hand her the flask of whiskey after taking a drink. She chuckles at me and takes the flask saying,"I was just literally regretting not putting one of these in my purse." "Well don't worry I covered us," I tell her as we start walking up the hill. Once we reach the top I take a seat in the front row with my crew. I watch as Joey walks to the microphone and says, "We are here to say goodbye to our friend, our brother, our father, our uncle, and our husband but I'm not looking at it as good bye. I'm looking at it as I'll see you again one day brother. Zach was my best friend and I feel the death of him tremendously. He was the most amazing man I've me. Though one thing I know he wouldn't want us to do is mourn his death. He would want us to rejoice what life he had. Today Zach I'm here to say thank you for becoming apart of my life because you showed me it wasn't all black and white and you also showed me how to just sit back and laugh at the irony we call our lives. I love you brother and I will see you again." I watched as the tears fell down Joey's face. I knew it was my time to speak but I suddenly forgot what I had practiced saying. I shakily got up to my legs and managed to turn and smile at everyone as I walk up to the microphone. I turn facing everyone and say,"I completely blanked every word I was going say so just bear with me cause this is all off the top of my head. I remember a time my father told Zach to  protect me the night my father was taken from us. Zach never stopped protecting me once since that day. As a little girl it was beating up the boy who took my lunch money and eventually teaching me how to beat up that boy who took my lunch money. Then to beating up the boys who broke my heart until he taught me how to beat them up as well. Then it was protecting me when I ran my mouth which I always do but once again he taught me how to take them on but not on my own but with him. There wasn't a time that my brother didn't protect me cause that was who he was. He was the type of guy that would take on anyone for the ones he loved. I can say that my big brother is the reason I'm still alive today and he is the reason I became the woman I am today. He never gave up hope on me and always pushed me to go beyond and be the best I could be. I will miss him and there isn't going be a day that goes by I don't think of him. I can only hope that I see him one day on the other side. I do know that no matter if I can see him he is watching over us because he wouldn't be Zach if he wasn't. He was the papa bear fiercely protective. To the heavens my big brother" I began to cry as I step away from the mic and off the stage. Jax jumped up from his seat and wrapped his arms around me as I held onto him drawing off his strength. I kept telling myself I could get through this day over and over in my head but I was starting to doubt if I could. I felt Hayden squeeze my hand and I smiled down at him finding the courage I needed in my sweet boys eyes.

"Can I have a seat," I look up to see Clay ask me. "Free world," I say as I light up a cigarette. Clay sits down beside me on the concrete wall and lights up a cigarette himself. "I know I'm the last person you want to see right now," he says blowing out a cloud of smoke,"but there was a time we were close. So I wanted to say for whatever I did I am sorry. I also want to tell you I'm sorry. I should've pushed to be there then maybe I could've helped better and maybe he would be alive." I look over to Clay who usual was a brick wall and didn't share his feelings. Though this was the man I remember from a little girl. The one who convinced my papa for me to get a bike on my 16th birthday. "Clay you couldn't of stopped it," I say patting his leg,"No one could've. So don't sit around asking maybes I've learned that asking maybes and what ifs only make us hurt longer. Trust me I know death." Clay grabs me up into a big bear hug as I try to remember why I hated this man. Maybe because I feared Jax would be him or maybe it was because I blamed him for the way the club went and I knew he would've been the one that kept the facts of my father and my mothers death from me. If it would've been up to my papa I would've known but I still did have love for Clay always would. After all it really wasn't black and white and Clay definitely was in the gray area.