Feel (Kellic)

Chapter 27

Here's a short update before I go camping again. The next chapter will probably be the second last or last chapter and then there will be an epilogue.

***

I sit down on the bed after Vic leaves. My mind is filled with this one thought:

Look how far I've come.

It hasn't been a long time, but I feel like I'm a different person, or slowly changing. This is for the best. I'm starting to open up, I'm starting to be happy, I'm starting to see that life isn't so bad when you live it with other people.

But the problem is, the world around me seems to be changing too.

For example, while Vic and I were driving back, I looked out the window and saw nothing but empty fields. There was supposed to be houses there. I asked Vic if he saw it, but he said he didn't and I looked back at the field, only to see houses.

Something is off.

I sigh and flop backwards on the bed so my head hits the pillow. Today was great, better than great. Am I smiling? I am. Which is so weird. Oh my god, this is so weird. But I love it.

I don't let the uneasiness of the atmosphere around me take way from the warm feeling in my abdomen. The feeling of comfort and somewhat stableness. Things are getting better.

It better stay that way.

***

I wake up again, but this time at 3:00 am, coughing and struggling to breathe. I was drowning again, and this time I almost suffocated myself in my sleep.

My heart beats fast and wild and I'm clutching the sheets like they're my life force. What the hell was that. It was like my dream was trying to actually kill me.

I can't do this anymore. I get up, throwing on a sweater and shoes (thank god I'm wearing pants), and I head out of my room.

I haven't talked to Dr. Nicholls in forever. I never really did in the first place anyways. But I know he'll want to talk to me, even though it's 3:00 am and he's probably sleeping. It's part of his job though to talk to students when we're in distress. Right? So that's why he's here 24/7.

I walk to the building that the staff rooms are in, and I walk right in. The door is always open for purposes like this. I try to remember Nicholls' room number; he told me it a long time ago, back when I talked to him weekly and avoided actually talking.

Finally, I remember it. Room 223. I walk around the halls, searching for it. It takes me a while, but I eventually find it.

I stop in front of the door, staring at it like it's infectious. Am I really doing this? I would have never done this days ago, but I'm at the point where the repetitive dreams have become too much. I can't take it anymore.

So, I knock on the door. No one answers for a bit, which is predictable, so I knock again, this time louder. I wait patiently by the door. At first, there isn't an answer again and I sigh loudly, moving away from the door in defeat. But then it opens.

Dr. Nicholls is standing there in pyjamas that look way too big on him and a shocker expression. "Kellin?" He stage whispers, still a bit shocked.

"Yeah hi, you said your door is always open to clients right?" I ask, just for clarification.

"Well yes."

"So yeah, I need to talk to you."

Dr. Nicholls blinks a few times, registering what I just said. Then, he opens the door a bit wider. "Okay then, come in."

I walk into Nicholls' room. I've only ever been in his office, so this is weird. But it's 3:00 am and I need to know if having repetitive dreams constantly is normal. His room is cluttered and a lot larger than my own, but I suppose it has to be bigger since he's staff.

Dr. Nicholls closes the door behind him. "Sit down wherever Kellin." He says and I choose to sit against the wall, on the floor. Dr. Nicholls sits on his chair by his small desk. 

"So what have you come to talk to me about?" He asks me, leaning back in his chair. Nicholls' face still holds that look of shock on it, like he's truly amazed that I've come to talk to him.

"Well," I start, "I've been having these dreams. Repetitive dreams actually." My throat feels like it's going to close up. Maybe this wasn't a good idea to come talk to him. I mean, how is he going to help with a dream. I don't think he'll be able to.

Dr. Nicholls senses my hesitation, so he says, "Go on." I swallow back the lump in my throat. I don't like talking about these things at all, but I'm here aren't I? 

"In the dreams I'm alone in the ocean," I start saying. I almost stop, but I keep going, "And it's storming, most of the time. There's never anyone around. Doesn't matter if I'm on a boat or on a piece of wood, there's no one. And sometimes I'm crying."

I look at Nicholls, almost checking to see if he stopped listening, but he's listening, so I continue, "In each one, every one, I'm dying. I'm drowning in the same fashion. Trying to get away from the waves, trying to swim away. Always being pulled under. Dying." 

I can't keep talking. There isn't much else to say. 

After a few moments, Nicholls speaks up, "Have you tried saving yourself in the dream?"

I pause to think about it. I don't think I ever have, now that I think about it. I'm always trying to just get away from the waves, but sometimes I feel like I'm searching for something, someone. "No." I shake my head.

"Are you trying to save someone else?" He asks. Am I? I have no idea.

"Um, I don't know." I say, feeling confused. My head starts to hurt thinking about it. My head wasn't hurting just moments before, but it's hurting now. 

Nicholls lets out a breath and starts muttering to himself. He gets up and walks over to his desk, picking up his cell phone. I'm still confused. What is he doing now? Nicholls is calling someone now and they're talking in hushed voices. 

I'm taking deep breaths. My head is really starting to hurt. Was I trying to save someone in my dream? Or was I just drowning? 

Nicholls is still talking to whoever. I start to get up, but he hangs up just then and turns to me. He sets down his cell phone back on his desk. "Kellin," He starts.

"Yeah?"

"There's something you need to know. But... I can't be the one to tell you."

"What?" I'm so confused. 

"Come on Kellin, it's time you figured out the meaning behind your dreams."