It's been five days. Five days of hell and all because I was selfish. I told myself things would be ok and I let my guard down, I let him in. That's what I regret most. The fact that I let myself fall for him, I let both him and myself believe this was going to work out, because we were in love, and love has no boundaries. Only it does. Love isn't all happiness and rainbows, no love is hell. It's like fire burning through your veins and not the good kind of fire. Because now every time I see Matt, or even think about him I feel no happiness, only sadness. And that's because I lost what I need, but I still want it. I want more than anything to go over to his desk right now and kiss him. But I blew what we had, I hurt him beyond belief and now that's just what I have to live with.
The horrible yet amazing sound of the bell announcing lunch time rang, pulling people from their work and back to the classroom.
“Right class, finish that chapter for homework and I’ll see you all next lesson.” Matt's called out to the class as some raced for the door. His voice was flat, monotone, showing no enthusiasm at the thought of teaching us again.
“Bye Mr Sparrow,” Wes said excitedly on his way past. Matt just nodded his head and focused on packing away his things. Wes was swimming in his glory because he got what he wanted, Matt and I have broken up and we're miserable, the exact opposite of Wes's bubbly attitude.
When I walked past Matt's desk his eyes shot up and met with mine, so many emotions swam around his that I didn't catch most of them, but there was one that I did see. I saw pain.
When I got home there was a note on the hall table.
Hey Katie Bear, I’ve just run down to the store to get some food and things then i'll be home. Love you, Dad xx
I nodded my head as I read the small note from my dad. He's been back for four days, he got back the day after I broke up with Matt and i've barely spoken to him. I've found that the arms I want to cry into aren't dad's, they're Matt's. He's all I want. Even now when I know we can't be together.
“Why don't you just talk to him?” Dad asked from across the table. I picked at my chicken and vegetables without really eating it, more so just staring and tearing it up.
I could feel dad's stare on me while I picked at my food, and I could tell he was getting frustrated by the way he started clenching his fist on the table.
“Well?”
“Because I can't.” I sighed.
“I don't see why you can't.” He pressed.
“You don't understand.”
“Then explain it to me. I need to know what happened so I know whether I need to kick Matt's ass or not.”
“No, you don't need to. It's my fault, not his.”
“Elaborate on that please.”
“I can't dad.”
“Ok look, you don't want to talk about it, I get it. But maybe Matt does. The worst thing you can do to a guy is not tell them why.”
“There are worse things than that.”
“Well it's a horrible feeling. So talk to him, do the both of you a favour.”
“It's not that simple dad.”
“It can be as simple as you want it to be.” He replied, standing and taking our plates to the kitchen.
“Goodnight dad.” I said, standing from my seat and walking to my room.
“Night sweetie.”
The worst thing you can do to a guy is not tell them why.
It just kept playing over and over in my head as I laid awake, begging for sleep. Did I do the right thing by just ending us and not telling him why at all? It's been a while since we've spoken and it would be weird if I just texted him now asking to talk. What would I even say? Nothing. There's nothing to say. I just have to suffer with the decision I made five days ago.
“Get up Kate, it's time for school. Wakey wakey!” Dad sang, pulling the curtains open.
“I'm not going today.” I groaned, burying my head in my pillow.
“Why not?”
“Because I'm tired and can't handle it today. Besides it's a Friday, we probably won't be doing much.”
“Fine, but I have to go to work. This isn't going to be a regular thing.” He said, closing the curtains and leaving. Dad has an office job now here, so he doesn't travel any more. Which means he's home everyday and I’m no longer alone.
You know that feeling you have when dreaming where you swear that you're falling? Well that's what I was feeling, making me jerk awake and clutch onto the mattress for dear life. I smiled a little when I had calmed down for how stupid I would have looked but then realised I didn't care.
I got out of bed and went to the kitchen to make a hot cup of tea to take the chill off the cold morning, or rather afternoon. I was standing there waiting for the kettle to boil when I saw something on the kitchen counter, a bottle of scotch. I stood there staring at it for a while, trying to make a decision. In the end I took the two steps separating me from the bottle and grabbed it, clenching my hand around the glass. I didn't even bother with a glass, in a quick movement the lid was off the bottle and the nose of it was in my mouth. The scotch poured into my mouth, burning through my veins and setting fire to me. The taste burned in my mouth and nose, and my eyes scrunched shut. I pulled the bottle away from my mouth and placed it roughly on the counter, grabbed the edge for support and breathing deeply. Everything was blurry. I blinked a few times and my eyes focused a little more as I took in the room. I was wobbling and as I tried to walk I stumbled. I could tell I was drunk, or maybe just tipsy but the alcohol I just heavily consumed was going to my head and I could barely think straight, or even walk straight. I was definitely buzzed. For my first drink I took it pretty hard and fast.
Dad was going to be pissed. But oddly enough I didn't care. I was just happy that I wasn't worrying any more, and that my brain could take a break from all the stress. And then the door bell rang.
Hey guys, so I'm really sorry it took me so long to write this, i've just been so busy and honestly just have not had the time. But i'm going to focus on What is Love? and finish it completely before I even think about doing any more on my other story, Taken Against My Will, so it shouldn't be as long between updates. I hope you all enjoyed this chapter and are looking forward to reading more. Please vote, comment and fan/follow me, and i'll try to update in the near future. Thanks! :D
