ramen | nomin

markle sparkle

hey y'all LMAO

how long has it been since i last updated smthn .. truly cannot remember doing anything but rewriting and editing and that was 2 years ago.

idk who really is still reading this, but i got the worst feeling of my life since mark graduated at the end of 2018.

bye mark ... god damn ... what the hell ...

i'm not mad at him. i'm not mad at anyone except for sm, actually. in fact, i completely understand why he did it. i want him to live a life that's true to himself and do all the things he wants and all the things he loves. i want him to be able to sleep for 15 hours straight and travel the world without any cameras on him except for the one on his phone.

i want mark to live his life as he intends to, even if that means leaving nct. he's worked so hard for the last 10 years, it's time he puts himself first. and i would say this about any member who departs nct on their own terms regardless.

at the same time though, i'm completely devastated and in shock. it's so hard to imagine him not being in a new song, or performing preexisting songs. when he graduated dream at the end of 2018 and when nct dream released boom in 2019, i thought things weren't so bad because he was still in 127. and he was still interacting with the dreamies.

but now it's just .. this whole spiral because i don't know when the next time we'll ever see him again is. with or without the others.

it's so hard to let go of something we considered a constant in our lives for years. it's hard to readjust and come to terms with change when everything has been the same for so long. i think it's why i'm taking this a bit harder than i thought i would.

how strange is it to grieve someone who's still alive and well?

when i listened to dear dream in 2018, i was an absolute wreck. i couldn't stop crying, i couldn't stop feeling like the world was ending. 15 year old me was in absolute shambles, even if mark would still be around.

at 23 i listen to the same song and feel nothing but numbness. because when i was 15, i knew he'd still
be there. 23 i know he's never coming back. no matter how hard i cry, no matter what words i manage to get out, no matter what i do.

i think part of being alive and loving unconditionally is letting someone go even if you don't want them to leave. to watch them disappear and not chase after them. it means to support them from all angles and love them regardless.

i never thought in a million years i'd ever have to write something as gut wrenching to me as this about nct. i always thought things would always stay the same after 2020 and that there was absolutely no shot my 7 dream would become 6 again. maybe i was a bit naive for thinking that.

at the end of the day, i wish mark nothing but the best on his new adventures. i will always love him and think about him whenever i see peanut butter brownies. when i see the cheetah lee on my desk and the eong plushie on the shelf. he'll always run through my mind when i drink a lemonade and see a volume of detective conan at the store.

he has always loved nctzens no matter what, and will continue to do so. i hope that brings everyone a bit of comfort.

after all, nct dream wrote life is still going on.

it will continue to do so.

all we can do is love mark and give him our support. <3

on another more unserious note, what does this do for the ff community ...😭