How Do U Want It?

v

My mother became a heroin and crack addict shortly after she had me. I remember when I was 5, she'd tell me that she did it because of me. And that I was the source of her stress.

Sometimes my mother would force me to watch her do drugs. She'd light her crack pipe, and burn away. Watching her tie a rope around her arm just to stick that death needle in was torture. I wanted to claw my eyes out.

She didn't work, and my dad wouldn't give her any money, because she'd use it to buy drugs. So she cheated on my dad, constantly. She slept with other men for drug money, sometimes even just drugs. My dad never found out, but I think he knew, and it tore him apart on the inside. I could tell.

I was the first to find out she was cheating, actually. My father was working, and I had a half day at school, in which she didn't know about. I came home to find an unknown car in the driveway, and not the most pleasant sounds coming from their bedroom.

Since then, I've thought about her infidelity every day. Sometimes I missed her, I hated her with all my guts, but I felt a little bit of guilt. I didn't know why, sometimes I felt like I was supposed to love her because she was my mom.

I don't know where my mother is. She took off with her boyfriend when I was 8, leaving me and my dad to continue to live without her in the way.

My father is dead now, he passed from stage 4 lung cancer. My daddy puffed cigarettes like it was drinking water. I wasn't surprised. It's upsetting that we didn't know sooner. However, I was hurt. I lost my dad, he genuinely loved and cared for me. When I found out, I didn't cry. I felt empty. I felt numb.

I didn't have any family, or at least none that I knew of. So I couldn't stay with any relative. I was almost put into foster care, but Dre immediately requested to be my legal guardian. That really made me happy, because he really cared about me and my well-being. Dre also knew that I wouldn't be safe in foster care.

We couldn't afford to give my dad a funeral, we barely had enough money for ourselves when he was alive. We attempted to skip the funeral and get him cremated — so the people at the mortuary told us that they'd give us 30 days, then they'll get rid of him. That 30 days came and went, we still didn't have the money. My question is, what did they do with my dad?

Now that Dre was responsible for me, he was forced to look for a job, no luck with that either. He made ends meet by dj'ing at parties and nightclubs, it wasn't nothing on paper though.

Dre liked music, he had his own turntables and records galore. All he needed was a studio, and he'd be making big bucks.

Today, it's been 7 months since my dad passed, and right now it was the beginning of summer. It's hard to believe it's been that long.

After his death, things started unfold. More so in school. I still wasn't speaking to Jada, however we did clear the bad blood. Faith finally admitted that she rambled off to Big about it. I was confused as to why she lied to me, but she said technically it wasn't a lie. I asked her did she tell Jada, she didn't tell Jada, but she did tell someone. We didn't speak to eachother for a whole week. I caved in and started talking to her, I couldn't even go one day without talking to Faith, I can't believe I went through a whole week.

I finally confronted Jada about it and she was somewhat understanding. She said she sparked the rumors because Big told her what I said. At first, she yelled at me saying Pac could never be mine, and all this other crap. I told her that I only wanted to be friends with Pac (which was a lie), and nothing more. I told her it was wrong of me to get jealous, when at the time I barely knew him.

Another thing I was curious to know about is why Tupac gave me the death stare. Oh, and why did he fight Big? I had to sit down and talk to Pac for that one.