How Do U Want It?

xxxiv

Present Day

My name is Ebelle Jalessia Grandberry, and I am 44 years old. It's been 19 years since Tupac passed away from a ruptured spine, and the vital veins in his neck weren't properly saved. 19 years since I gave up drug dealing. 19 years since I gave birth to Tupac's child. 19 years since Ice was convicted of attempted murder, possession of an illegal firearm, and possession of illegal intoxicants. He was sentenced to 4 years under max security, but 4 years doesn't compare to the 19 years I have suffered.

When Tupac passed, everyone told me to sue the hospital, and retrieve some money. Unless that money would some how bring him back to this Earth, I don't think it was necessary. No amount of money could heal my emotional wounds.

I took the drug money, the money that Ice wanted, and dumped it into the ocean. That day after he passed, I got home and took the duffle bag of money, drove all the way to the coast of California, and poured it in the Pacific. Around a secluded part, where no one really hung around. I really didn't care if someone found it and took it for their own, I just didn't want anyone seeing me dumping 50k out of a bag. They'd assume I'm insane. When I got back home after getting rid of the cash, I just cried. I locked myself in my room, and cried. I shed tears for Tupac, my father, my mother and Eazy. All the emotions were let out.

Eventually, I started having thoughts of suicide. And one day I was really going to take my own life, until my stomach started hurting, and I looked down, thinking about my child. I believe that was a sign, a sign to keep living for them. At the time I was only 2 months pregnant, I didn't know whether I was having a boy or girl, but I know I was going to love it regardless.

7 months later, I had a beautiful baby girl. I had no idea what to name her. But I remember Tupac and I had a conversation with Tupac about if we were to have kids someday, he said if he had a girl she'd be named Star. I named her Star Amaru Shakur. A beautiful little girl who could make you giggle on the saddest day.

She resembled her father so much, even her mannerisms were like his. So down to earth, sometimes shy, she even had his temper. Aside from the endless amounts of poems he's given me, the pictures, and the gifts, I feel that Star is another piece of Tupac that is with me. With her around, it feels like he never left.

As she started to become older, she started becoming more curious about her daddy. When she finally asked me where he was, I froze up. How was I supposed to tell her that her father was shot, all because of something dumb I got into. Instead of telling her the story, I took her hand and held to her heart, and told her, "He's not here physically, but he'll forever and always be in your heart. He's with you wherever you go."

I told her stories about Tupac and I, while keeping it appropriate of course. I told her about the happy moments we shared, and that he was a good person. He wasn't filled with hate like most of the guys from her generation.

She's grown now, and I pat myself on the back for raising such a beautiful young lady. And I know Tupac would be more than proud of me for doing all of this by myself. There's never been a time I left my daughter hanging, I've been by her side, and I will continue to do that.

On the other hand, the people around me have found genuine happiness and I couldn't be more glad. Dre married Nicole back in 96, and they're still together to this day. Happy as ever; they have 5 kids together. Truth, Truly, Tyra, and Andre Jr. Dre went on to dj and make beats, and sell them to other rappers. Long story short: life was good.

Faith, believe it or not, she started a relationship with Caine. And they married eachother back in 04. At 43 and 44, they still didn't have kids. All the years I begged them to make me an aunt, they'd brush it off and laugh. But it's cool, I'm just happy that they're happy.

Yella was the same old Yella to this day. Even over 50, he was all about weed and sex. I guess some things never change. Same thing with Ren - but we still loved them being as lame as they were.

And surpsingly, Oshea somehow got a girls attention. Her name was Kimberly, but we called her Kim. Having 5 kids, they departed from Compton and moved to LA; we still saw them just as often.

These past 19 years have been filled with vexation, sorrow, happiness, and compassion. The fact that I took the chance to better myself and my lifestyle boosted my confidence and self esteem dramatically. The year of 1997 was a clean new slate for me; 1 year old child, no cash, it was like I came from nothing. And that was all I needed to become the woman I am today.

I will admit, a piece of me is still missing from Tupac's departing. But I know if he was here, he'd be overjoyed with me. But him being here, completing our little family would make it 100x better. I missed him so much, and I couldn't wait until we met again at the end of my remaining days.

Some things in life are brought to you by how you plan it. Or how you make it. In some cases, how you want it.

And, well, ...how do you want it?