How Do U Want It?

xxx

All the anger that I was building up was finally being released. If I could change colors, my skin would be red as ever. Imaginary steam was blowing out of my ears, and it was all because of Eazy.

That night I found out he was messing around again. I became extremely upset, after that I went calmly to my room, as if to seem I was okay. But once I was in my area of privacy it took every fiber in my body to not take my anger out on the room.

Eazy never came back that night, so either he went home, or he stayed at that girl's house. I wonder if he had different girls, or was it just the same one? Scratch that, he probably messed with a lot of girls, and I was one of them.

Before I got with Eazy I knew he was one to get around, but I thought since he actually loved me, he'd stop or something; I don't know. But it's unfair that I have to suffer.

And right now I was in an argument with him, so there was no going back.

"What the fuck are you talkin' about, why would I ever cheat on you?"

Was he serious? I presume that was a rhetorical question.

"Eazy I'm not just makin' it up! A few weeks ago I heard your conversation that night I told you we couldn't have sex!" I shrieked as he shook his head and pinched the bridge of his nose.

"So you listenin' to my phone calls now?" Eazy said, and I couldn't believe him. How dare he try to derail this subject, when he's the principal figure in this matter?

"That's neither here or there!"

"Then where is it, babe?"

Eazy thought this was a big joke. Like I just woke up today, and said that I was going to start shit with him for no reason today. His tone of voice and the little smirk on his face told me he didn't give a fuck; and that hurt my heart.

"I can't believe you," I said before walking out of my room then downstairs. I instantly heard his timberland boots following behind me. "And a few nights ago, Yella said you were at some bitch's house! Explain that!" I pushed him away from me as he came behind me.

Eazy sucked his teeth and sighed, "Can't tell that nigga shit."

"So it's true? You did?" I stared at him in anger and disbelief, awaiting his response. I only received a long stare, he had a blank face, not indicating a specific mood or answer.

Eazy did not protest, so the only correct answer would had to have been yes; yes he was cheating on me.

"Ebelle I'm so sorry," he said as I went to go sit on the couch. I held my head in both my hands, I was dripping with anger. He came towards me and tried to rub my back, but I pushed him away. "You don't say you love someone, when you really don't."

"But I do love you," He still tried to pry. I just simply looked up at him and shook my head.

"You obviously love them bitches more." I said. This must've made him upset, because he huffed, right along with taking his hat off and running his hand through his nappy hair.

The aerospace was thick, and vexation filled the air.. None of us said anything, we just sat there, taking in our surroundings.

"You love me?" Eazy asked me and I looked at him with tired eyes. Our eyes were boring into each other, not romantically, but sincerely.

This was almost embarrassing, considering the fact I was so upset with him, we were both wrong in this situation. I didn't love Eazy, and I don't think I ever did.

As he awaited an answer, his anger became greater. My stomach started to churn, and it felt like my heart was slowing down.

"No," I softly admitted as tears welled in my eyes. "I never did."

I was expecting him to throw a big fit, break something, or even yell at me. But he did the complete opposite, he was calm. So angry that he was calm. He walked over to the door and leaned against it, burying his face in his arms. "But I love you."

Did he really? I hope he wasn't saying that to make me feel guilty, I already feel guilty enough as is. Guilt, sorrow, and anger - my current moods.

Eazy wasn't the type to stress over something, or get in his feelings about anything. He wasn't like that, and to see him caught up like this, I knew that I genuinely hurt him. Later on I realized that he wasn't doing this to manipulate me. Eazy loved me.

"I care about you," I got up from the couch and stood behind him, "It's not that I don't like you, it's the fact that I haven't found my real feelings for you."

He turned around to face me, his face looked as if he wanted to say, 'Bitch please.' But instead, he spat out, "What the fuck is that supposed to mean?"

I was taken aback by his sudden aggressiveness, and I stepped back away from him. Staying silent, I I just eyed him up and down. "I don't know..."

"You don't know?"

"Don't act like what you did wasn't wrong, Eric."

"Don't do that shit, do not. 'Cause you and I both know we fucked up. Don't put that shit on me."

Eazy started to yell and I cringed. All my feelings and emotions were pouring down on me, and I felt as if I was going to break down. This entire situation was overwhelming, and I didn't want to be here.

He kind of stared at me for a while, and he shook his head slowly, "This shit is a wrap." Eazy stormed outside, slamming the door, causing the noise to ring through the house.

It finally hit me that it was only Eazy and I inside of the house. Dre was with Nicole, and the others were out and about doing who knows what. Since I had the house to myself, I called up Eazy to talk. Not argue. But as soon as I confronted him about it, talking was out of the question.

The entire situation tugged at my heart strings, and it reminded me of prom, when Tupac and I broke it off. Especially when Eazy walked off as so.

Since this night, Eazy barely came around. He still came over from time to time to chop it up with Dre, but I'd either stay in my room or just avoid any kind of contact with him. Luckily, no one had questioned our beef. Actually, they never knew of it. We just acted normal.

Aside from the brief pop ups, I haven't seen or heard from Eazy in 2 years. Faith and I put in on a townhouse not too far from home, and we've been living there for a while. I also had enough money to buy Dre a house near me. I was elated to give back to him, after all that he was done for me.

Our argument and our last words really didn't bother me as time passed.

That was, until today - I received news that Eazy died from complications of AIDS.