How Do U Want It?

xxv

No matter how much someone can negatively impact me, I still end up longing for their presence. I still end up awaiting their praise and reassurance. I still end up hurt in the end. And still; I haven't learned.

Even if O-Dog was truly romantically interested in me, he will still remain a friend in my book. He was going to be away for a long time, and I must admit I missed him dearly. Even though the things we got ourselves into were particularly bad, I needed that rush. I needed it just for those few months. And him being sent away was just merely a wake up call; from God.

I felt as if I was going to recieve some sort of punishment from God, and it was soon. You know when you get that feeling that something bad was going to happen? That's exactly how I felt at the moment.

But I deserved it; I haven't spoke to God in ... well, I haven't spoke to him at all. And from events over the years, I can assure you that he was rather upset with me.

To be truthful, I never thought too hard over the idea of someone being up there. I wasn't too sure myself that someone was up there.

"Dear God," I placed my hands together and closed my eyes shut, beginning my first prayer, "..."

I thought back to my father, my mother, and my life growing up. It all came crashing down on me, a wave of pressure invaded my soul. My father was a good man, and he died from drinking and smoking. My mother was a lying strung out cheater who hated me; and she was possibly dead as well. I had no family, not a shoulder to lean on until I got much older. I made a few friends; formed a crush.

My crush dated someone else, breaking my heart in the process. People tried to pick fights with me, I wasn't bothering anyone.

Made another friend, who was particularly interesting. I finally dated my crush, and my interesting friend stomped all over that. Drug dealing, smoking, drinking, all in the mixture. I witnessed someone close to me turn into a complete monster.

I got with the wrong crowd; I knew about a needle in the haystack, I watched someone lose their life. And finally, that needle was found. Gone for a long time.

Here I am.

"...I heard that you're forgiving of your children. And I plead for forgiveness. After what I've been through, and what I've ... what I've done," Tears were threatening to leave my eyes now. I couldn't go on. Communicating with someone of higher power - difficult.

Instead of being sad, I was now angry. I didn't know who or what I was angry at specifically, but my whole demeanor was altered. Grunting, I charged at my dresser, pushing everything off of it, several items hitting the floor. I took my arm and swung it back as far as I could, and made my fist and mirror come im contact. The sound of glass cracking was all I could hear.

I took the pillows off my bed and threw them anywhere. Tears spilled down my cheeks like waterfalls as I continued to take my anger out on my room.

Grabbing another pillow, I pressed it against my face and screamed into it, putting all my energy to it. I slid down against the wall, and held my face in my hands. A few more tears fell before I took in deep breathes.

Your feelings can only be kept in for so long, it's far from healthy to keep them bottled in as such. It can damage you.

How dare I try to obtain forgiveness from God, when I smoke, drink, deal drugs, and I still continue to have the desire to do all of those things? I was angry ... at none other than myself.

I sat there on the floor, trying to get my head straight and my thoughts together. Tired. That's what I was, tired. Tired of biting my tongue. Tired of the self deprecation.