How Do U Want It?

vii

It's been just about a year since my father passed away. I always wondered what it'd be like once this time came around.

Would I be sobbing uncontrollably? Would I tune everyone out? Would I become emotionless and numb?

That last part became true. I didn't cry, I didn't tune everyone out. I felt empty.

I was numb, and I've been trying to speak to people more, just to fill the void. No one knew that today was the year anniversary, they weren't paying close attention like I was. The guys just assumed that I was running my big mouth as usual. Little did they know, that was my way of shouting help.

I had school today, but I didn't want to go. I faked sick and told Dre I didn't feel good. I pressed a hot compress to my head and made my voice sound nasally infected, and he surprisingly believed it.

I wanted to be in the comfort of my own home today. Not being bothered by any kids.

"You sure are runnin' your mouth today, lil girl." Eazy said, slouching in his spot on the couch.

I shrugged my shoulders, staring at the hardwood floor.

"How come y'all never at home?" I say to Eazy.

"We like it over here." He stated.

I heard footsteps coming down the stairs, I turned my head only to see Dre. "Yo, is that you talkin' up a damn storm? Ain't you sick?" Dre started questioning me.

Quickly pulling off a fake cough, "I am." I said in a drowsy voice.

Dre sucked his teeth, and glanced at the clock. "You lucky it's goin' on 5. Or else I would've sent you up to school."

I pursed my lips and stayed silent.

"Why didn't you wanna go to school today, what's wrong, Bella?"

I felt like crying for the first time today. But I wasn't going to, at least not in front of Dre and Eazy.

Due to me not responding, Dre asked, "We can go upstairs and talk about it."

I nodded slowly, and Dre grabbed my hand, taking me to my room.

I sat down on my bed in sorrow, and Dre crouched down in front of me. "What's up?"

"Its my daddy, Dre. It's been a year." I mumbled. Dre stood up and pulled me in a hug. He was so tall, my face was buried in his damn stomach.

"I know it's been hard without him. But you gotta be strong. I'm sure that's what he would have wanted." I nodded at Dre's statement. He was right. If I want to honor my dad I would have to be strong.

I pulled away from Dre and said, "I'm gonna go for a walk."

I hastily exited the room, hearing Dre mumble an "Okay."

Shoving my feet into my Nikes, I was out of the door. The muggy air was penetrating my skin unpleasantly.

I started subconsciously walking down the street, keeping my eyconcrete.

Aside from the sticky weather, it was a pretty nice day in Compton. Thugs blared music from their boom boxes, and children chased the ice cream truck like they had no home training.

This is what I called home.

I came to a halt as I waited for a car to pass so I could cross over to another block, but someone tapped my shoulder.

Turning my head, then my body, I found Tupac, causing me to freeze up.

We've been in school for about 2 months already, and I haven't spoken to him at all. In art, we were also partners, and I found a way to ignore him there too.