Welcome to my mind

My mom

Oh god, I'm like crying my eyes out, lol!!! All cause my mum won't except who I am!!
I had to come out twice, once as pan and again as trans! And neither went well. Let me tell you about those things!!

First one
I told her all confidently, a front. Just say it casually!! So she said it's fine, and in felt so happy!! But then she continued..... She was like when I get a boyfriend, bring him over, she'd want to meet him!! But if I get a girlfriend, don't bring her over. But if I have to, don't show her love or treat her like a friend, so the kids don't think it's normal... Yeah, ouchers!!! And then she kind of left and told everyone.

So yeah!! That happened.... Not that great.... But hey!! People have it worse!

Second one
I told her I was trans, and kind of ran out of the door for school..... Then she kind of ignored me and we didn't talk for two days. When we did, it was in a car with my aunt. They were making fun of the whole ordeal, the whole trans thing. And then she said I'd always be her girl *insert my cringy birth name* then they proceeded to blast the song about eminems song about his daughter, mocking jay, cause my dad named me after his kid. And yeah!!

She still calls me the irl name and calls me daughter and buys me dresses and ish. So yeah! Completely disregarded what I wanted!! And yeah, I know these aren't even bad!! And it could be worse!! But it still fucking hurts!

Maybe I'm just a crybaby, crying my eyes out over something so litter. Maybe I'm just weak and should toughen up. But it does hurt when you're rejected twice over who you are by your own mother. Not like she was a good one, like ever though. I hate her.
And I know people are like she's your mum, you shouldn't hate her!!! But I don't choose who my family are, just cause they're family doesn't mean I should love them no matter what. I can hate them if they hurt me over and over again.
This is turning into a rant about my mom oh god!! But I'm going to continue this rant. Even if nobody reads, at least I'm not bottling it up.
I hate my mother, and I honestly believe she keeps me around cause she gets money. Trust me, when It got tough for her to handle me, she shoved me off to my dad to live with for a short while.... And she still got the money. Want me to tell you what I did to make it tough on her? I was so depressed, I went into a hospital. She visited me twice.
Once, to drop off clothes and ish that I needed. Second, some books for me to read. Then she cried, not cause what was happening to me and she was sad I was depressed. But because she felt like a bad parent. And it was basically a pity party for her and I felt so guilty for being sad. Then she stopped visiting me. Want me to tell you why?? My dad told me.
It was cause it was far away and she couldn't be bothered. She didn't visit me, nor call me at all. Then, she sent me to move with my dad. And guess what? She fuckig grounded me. She took my phone and iPad away. As soon as I got out. And why?? Cause I was disrespectful to her..... Like what? Okay then. And I still didn't talk to her for two weeks, then guess what?? Instead of calling me to see how I was, she sent a fucking card instead. Didn't even drop it off herself, she sent it in the mail. It was to say she will always be there for me whenever I needed it!! I cried my eyes out, cause as you can see it's not true. Eventually I had to move back with her, cause of school.

When I was younger, she used to hit and scream at me a lot. Over the littlest things too!M running around?? Smack!! Being too loud?? You get the belt!! You talk back?? Pull your hair and smack you everywhere!! I mean, I was actually terrified of her. On the weekends I went to my dads. Every time the weekend ended I would cry my eyes out cause I was so fucking scared to go back to her. My dad always tried to lighten it up like it's only five days, you can survive!! Or, here we are to the Hell's gates!! Or look it's the demon herself! But dude, I shouldn't have to be petrified of my own mother... She doesn't hit me that much anymore, cause I'm never bad, but she still hits my sisters when they're bad. She mainly screams and freaks out at me. Which obviously makes me cry, but oh well!! I'm too scared to even ask her for anything. I want to ask if my friend could sleep over?? Takes me an hour to get courage! Want some food?? Wait for dinner I guess! And like, I have kidney problems and they were awful when I was younger. Like I wet the bed, I couldn't control it! So everytime I did, mom would scream and smack me. And that's when I started developing insomnia... I was actually terrified to go to bed, cause I was terrified I'd wet it and get beat. But yeah, I'm terrified of her.

So! She wants to judge me over liking the Same sex or being a boy?? But hunny, what about you? You're the one going to jail. She's suppose to go to jail in a couple months, then I'm living with my dad. My dad is alright, he's okay. He hurts my feels sometimes, but he's alright. But this isn't about him. We can do that for another time.
So my moms got to jail.... What'd she do?? Nothing much, just selling pills. Sleeping pills and maybe pain killers, idk what kind. She did that for about 3 years?? I already knew about it, she wasn't that secretive about it. But yeah, the police found out. Her friends turned on her and now she's paying the price for selling drugs. I don't know how long she's going for tho. I'll be finding out on the third. But the peeps are asking for 7 years. Either way I'd be an adult. I mean, I cried and pitied her of course. It's painful when anyone goes to jail!! But I was kind of happy..... I know I shouldn't, but my first thought was I can finally escape you. I don't have to see you anymore. And I felt happy. I know I shouldn't, and it makes me a horrible person but.... I do.

One time we were talking about how I cut. She asked with what, so I said scissors but mainly razors. And what does she do?? She says razors? Then dies of laughter and was like no you don't. Um..... I dont? How can you tell me what I use? And I can tell she wants me to cover up my scars. She's always like look what you did to yourself. Or glances at them, and I'm sure she wants me to hide them. She wants people to think she has a normal family, a normal daughter instead of a screwed up son.

She also goes on about my weight. She's always like you should go to the gym, and asking if I want to go to the gym with her. Or she's like maybe you should lay off on all the chips... And she makes jokes like wow you almost weigh as much as I do!! And just all these other things.... So, I lost some weight. About 30 pounds in a year, and still losing weight hopefully. And now she wonders why I never eat? Now she's like you have to eat!! And just screams at me about it or just gives up and doesn't care. She only bugs me about eating when I refuse dinner for the third day or something. And she's like hey you're kind of skinny, which I always laugh about cause I'm not!M like at all!! I'm fat, you don't have to make me feel better about it.

That's about it. Just some of the basic things about my mum! I mean, it's not that bad and I'm probably just whining. I mean, people have it worse.... But I can't help it. I hate her. And she probably doesn't care for me.