playboy diaries : c.h

14: you do?

calum hood.

I looked up at the sky and realized that the most constant thing in this world is love. That word had been bruised for almost forever now. I couldn't imagine how far has this word love would ever be.

Love is tragic. It can be some type of love for your friends, love for your family and the last is your love for someone who really deserves your morning kisses, cuddles, everything.

And that one love that was stored in my heart, was gone.

It's been days since that dinner happened. All the love was gone.

But one feeling has remained.

It was pain.

I tried calling her, texting her, leaving a voicemail every single day or minute that passes by. I tweeted her multiple times and even tried posting something about her on Instagram. But, she was good at ignoring me. She distracted herself by posting sneak-peek photos of her upcoming birthday celebration and everything.

But I'm always too late.

Too late to realize that this girl was everything I got. Too late to realize that she was the one I wanted, and when everything falls back to pieces, she will try to fix and glue me up again. She was the one who made me realize that being weird is okay. That girl made me realize that this world is a happy place and not a shitty one.

Clarice made me realize that I can paint my own world with the colors I want and with what picture I want to be in.

But I ruined everything.

*

It was a Saturday and I promised Clarice I will come at her house to arrange her birthday plans. I admit I wanted to see her, but my thoughts and whereabouts can't decide if I will come with her or not.

After a few battles with myself, I decided to reply to her message.

To: Clarice
Message: Sorry, I got plans for today. I'll just catch up next time x

But in reality, my plans are to have this secret talk with Michael about what this feeling in my heart could ever be.

I got up from where I was sitting and made my way outside to drive to Michael's house. In this way, I could distract myself from thinking about her.

The drive to Michael's house was easier than I expected. I knocked on his door and I found a Michael Clifford eating pizza while playing his games.

"Problematic Calum is coming in my way!" He shouted while playing. He really knows when I'm down and really needs advice.

I laughed lightly at his sense of humor. "Way to go, Mikey! You really know me that well." I sat down beside him and as I did, he paused the game and faced me.

"Is this about a girl?"

"Yeah."

"Do I know her?"

"Totally."

"It's Clarice Anderson, everyone."

I shrugged then rested my head on my hand. Michael can mind read me when I have my problems. I just don't know how he manages to do that whenever I'm with him.

"Michael, I don't know what to do. She got me. I mean, my feelings for her is getting deeper and deeper everytime I see something that reminds me of her. I'm so afraid to love, mate. I really do." I said and just shook my head after.

My best friend played his game once more and focused his eyes on them. "You know? Being afraid about love is the funniest thing a guy could ever feel." He bluntly stated.

I furrowed my eyebrows and watched him. "What do you mean by that?" I asked him.

"Calum," he started. "Being afraid of love is like you're making a girl see right into you that you can't make her the most happiest girl in this world. Just imagine, Clarice being on the arms of other guys. What will you feel?" He ended.

I just shrugged and looked at him. "I would feel empty and numb at the same time. I don't want her to be in the arms of others."

"That's why you need to man up and don't be afraid! I just didn't know why did you made that stupid deal with Clarice. She's a nice girl."

My mind was running out of thoughts when Michael said that deal was stupid.

Yes, indeed. It was the dumbest thing I ever did in my life. I never thought about what the other would feel. All I think about is what my feelings would be. I've been selfless.
And now, I hate myself for doing such a thing.

"Hey, mate! Luke posted something on Instagram at this kind of night?" Michael suddenly stopped from what is he doing and paused in the Instagram post that Luke had.

I didn't realize that it was night time. Time flies really fast, though.

I grabbed Michael's phone and before I could process everything, I locked it and placed it back at the table right in front of me.

*

It was a normal day for a guy like me. Nothing special is happening. I just wish nothing tragic would happen in a span of hours in school.

I plugged in my earphones and blasted All Time Low songs to make my mood boost up. I decided to walk my way to school and feel the air breeze hit my face.

"I hope something different will be happening today."

Entering the gates, I hung my head low and didn't bother looking at anyone who said their hi's and hello's to me. I just don't want anyone hurted by me.

What catched my attention is that, almost all of the people in school was at the gym screaming and an applaud of 'oohs' and 'awws' were being left out of their mouths.

Just as I was about to enter, a girl was coming pass by me.

"Uh, hello. What's happening inside?" I hesistantly asked her.

She just smiled. "Luke's proposing to this girl named Clarice and you just, gah! You need to see for yourself." She giggled and walked away.

I cringed at the sound of their names and passed through the sea of people. When I made it to the center, all I saw was flowers scattered through the floor.

Clarice was looking around with a smile on her face.

She stopped when she saw me.

We made eye contact, but she just turned away and acted like she didn't see me and turned to see him.

By him it is Luke, kneeling on one knee and a rose in his hand giving it to her.

I was about to go out and walk away when Michael approached me, giving me a sad smile.

"Dude, are you okay?"

"Yeah. I guess."

"Are you jealous?"

"N-no. I mean, yes."

"You do?"

I just scoffed and walked away just as the people inside started going like crazy.

"I totally fucking hate this day."

-----

yup, i just made calum jealous.

is he? just find out.

congratulations 5sos for winning "song of the summer" yaaaay!!

i love you! :-)