In the World of Magic(Harry Potter Next Generation Fanfic)

Chapter 41 - Guilt

Amanda's POV

I had no idea if I should have been concerned about my dream. I had no idea if it meant anything. The thoughts had crossed my mind, but I was scared to think about it too deeply. Therefor I had tried to distract myself from thinking at all. This distraction was James. 

"Slughorn will eat us alive", James murmured as we stopped kissing to catch our breaths. I laughed and rolled my eyes. I wasn't sure if James could see it since the light in the cupboard wasn't that great. 

"Both of us know that he adores us. He wouldn't get mad even if we blew up the classroom", I told him before I leaned in again to kiss him. He eagerly met my lips and pulled his hands through my hair. My hands went down his chest and sneaked inside his shirt. His chest was warm and smooth, and it felt just right to touch it. I knew that it felt right for James too, at least if I listened to the sound he was making. 

"You're probably right", James mumbled and I felt the vibrations of his words on my lips. I smirked as I started to kiss my way down his neck. The kissing and touching wasn't the only things that felt good in that moment. It felt good to be bad. Ditching class to make out with my boyfriend wasn't that bad. It was actually quite good. 

"I'm totally right", I answered before I returned my lips to his. We stayed that way for a short while. James was the one who interrupted us. He moved back a few centimeters and looked as if he was about to say something, but his eyes were stuck on my lips. Seeing that made me smirk once more. 

"What?", I whispered as I pushed James back a little. It made his eyes slowly move up to my eyes and he seemed a bit lost for a few seconds. I raised my eyebrows in wondering.

"I... I just wanted to know why you suddenly wanted to do this", he at last spoke. I pursed my lips, still keeping the entertained glint in my eyes. Then I moved my hands of his chest and put a hand on the door.

"If you want to leave, we can. We don't have to do this." James rolled his eyes at me, finally completely present. I tilted my head, waiting for an answer. James took the hand of the door and brought it back to his chest. 

"I never said I didn't like it", he told me before putting one of his hands on my hips. Then we were back to the kissing. I could honestly say that it was one of the better afternoons at Hogwarts.

•••

"Seriously though, why did you suddenly want to do that?", James asked me later while we were walking towards the Great Hall. It was time for dinner and both James and I were hungry. Our stomachs had growled several times and we had been forced to surrender to hunger at last. 

"Can't I just want to make out with my boyfriend?", I wondered. James' question was making me feel a little bad. I mean, I had kind of used him as a distraction. Of course I couldn't tell him that, which was why I needed to come up with something else to say. I just hated that I once more was forced to lie and avoid the truth. 

"Of course you can, but we never do that", James explained as he wrapped an arm around my waist. I smiled up at him, even though I felt how forced it actually felt. If James noticed, he didn't say anything about it. The smile on his face told me that he believed me though. 

Something hit me though. I hated that I always lied to him. The guilt had only kept on growing and the worst part was that James was completely clueless. In his heart, he thought that things were good. He believed that I was good person. 

"It was nice, though", I spoke just as we reached the Great Hall. James didn't notice how the words left me in a sigh, instead his focus turned to what was in front of us. The feast had already started and a few people turned to us as we entered. I didn't care though. After a quick good bye between us, I headed for my table. Many thoughts filled my head. One was clearer than the others. Would it hurt James more if I stayed with him, or if I didn't?

•••

Later that night I receive a letter from James. It came just as I had entered my dorm. James' owl had been sitting outside my window, pecking at the glass. The letter hadn't been anything special, James just wanted to meet in the Room of Requirement to talk. I did actually consider it, but the same guilt from earlier laid inside me. It took me ten minutes to come up with an explanation to why I couldn't come. With that much time, one must think that I had come up with a good excuse. That was not the case. After a lot of pondering, I settled with "I have homework to do." 

That was another lie I told James. Why could nothing ever be easy? Why did I always have to lie to him about everything? I could bet anything that every conversation we had, had during the last week had contained at least one lie. Just the thought made me close to miserable. 

"You're awfully quite", Allison pointed out from her bed, just after I had sent the letter. I turned towards her with a smile I knew didn't look happy. I could only meet her eyes for a couple of seconds before I felt as if I wanted to spill all of my secrets. 

"I'm just feeling rather sad about a lot right now. Life doesn't really agree with me, so to say." I sighed once before turning towards my bed and walking there. During those few seconds it took me to get there I had to take a couple of breaths to stop me from crying. When I turned around once again there wasn't any tears in my eyes anymore. 

"Is it something about your mom? Or is it James? Do I have to hex him?", Allison asked me with worry as she hurried up to my bed. I put a hand against my face after she had sat down next to me. I took several shaky breaths, but the heaviness in my chest refused to disappear. The tears I had previously fought, attacked once more. 

"I just don't know what to do? Everything just ends with me being a bad person. I can't figure out what's right anymore", I whispered shakily, my voice barely able to hold it together. Saying my fears out loud made it neither better nor worse. All it did was make me feel released from a secret. When I looked up to see Allison she looked at me with a sympathetic frown. 

"You're probably the nicest person in this house. I have never heard you say anything that implies anything else. You're anything but bad", Allison told me before throwing an arm over my shoulders. Maybe the words should have made me feel better, but it was as if they never made it inside my body. I felt as if they bounced of my skin and didn't affect me the slightest. 

"All evil isn't obvious. What if I'm a bad person inside but not outside?" Allison actually smiled at me after I had asked her that. It was a kind smile that was also reassuring at the same time. 

"Because evil doesn't worry about evil. If you were a bad person, you wouldn't be scared of it. You wouldn't deny the bad things. Evil people only hide things when they want something, and they don't feel bad about it." Her words stuck with me for the rest of the night. I thought about what she had said, if there was any truth to what she had said. I couldn't decide. In some ways I felt like I wanted to believe her, but what if I just refused to see the truth. Maybe I was a bad person in denial. Whatever I was, wasn't good for others. It wasn't for James. I wasn't even sure if I was good for myself. Probably not. Sadly, I couldn't hide from myself. I could hide from James, though. I could make sure that whatever darkness that was inside me didn't touch him.