Do you even know?

Who I really Am

Scared; That's what I am. Why does when everything go right, something bad has to happen? I have to have someone to worry about, someone to help, someone who says they love me and I actually believe... But, I'm scared. What if Isabella is found hanging from her ceiling fan? What if I hear that Donnie had been rushed to the hospital for attempting suicide because his grandparents rejected him as did all his friends, or if people he cares about kill himself and he's on the verge of it? What if Evan just looses it and he is sent to a mental hospital and I never get to see him again, or if he hurts me and him and I never talk again? I'm just scared. Scared to go on, scared to know whats to come, scared that I'll get hurt again, scared that something will prevent me from where I want to go, and where I need to go. I'm just scared that I'll get the best of myself and I'll do something stupid, which I'm already on the edge of doing... I don't want to hurt those around me, or Evan, or Donnie. Anyone really. I just want to leave the marks on my wrist, just to know that my inner fight isn't going to just grown inside of me and make me blow up. I just want to feel the pain that I feel inside. I'm scared, confused, worried... Nothing can really help me. I don't feel like I can tell Evan all of this, I don't want him to hate himself for being part of everything... I don't want him to worry, while he has his own issues... The scars on his wrist are still visible even though they are healed. The scared that I have are still there, never to go away, always there to remind me where I came from, who I was, what I do to people. They are still visible on my heart. I push myself away from others, ones that I don't want to hurt or worry. I try to comfort those who have no one, who are going though things I have just because I don't wanna see them suffer alone like I did. The scares of rejection, abandonment, false love, and self harm... The way I trust people reflects what I have been though. I don't talk about anything I don't mind other people knowing, even to Evan... Everything I tell him, I do because I trust him, but I don't trust anyone enough to let them know who I was, what I have done... Isabella thinks that shes the only one that has felt that way... Jake... She thinks that she is the only one who has had someone who she loved kill them self because of something she said, because of something she did.... I can't take back what I said, I can't take back everything that happened... I can only move on, keep it to myself, and make sure I don't do it again... She thinks she's the only one with a hidden personality. I don't want the real me to come out, if it's not the person I am now, I want it to stay behind a stone gate, locked away... I want to become the person everyone thinks I am. I want to be the person that everyone sees, that everyone expects me to be... not in what I do, but in the kind of person I am. What kind of heart I have... I'm not this angel who knows what to say to people about everything, knows what advise to give everyone, I'm not the girl that helps everyone before herself, I'm not the person that everyone thinks I am... I don't want myself to come back out, the person I used to be... There's a reason that my aunt doesn't consider me anything but a living thing that comes under her roof that she has to feed and supply with money. There's a reason that my father changed into what he is now, there's a reason that I don't talk to my siblings, a reason that I have been left alone to fend for myself. There's a reason it seems like few things get to me, that it seems like I'm strong and smart and wise. There's a reason that I break with certain things and not others... and I hope that it never shows...