Do you even know?

Dear Mother

Dear Mother
I am one of the daughters you never wanted
The youngest
The one you share a last name with
I am the daughter who has been reminded every day growing up that I didn't have a mother
I am the child who has struggled to get through life with the family I was born into
I have been tossed around and discarded
I have been thrown into someone else's care for years away from any family
Because I am unwanted
I am imperfect
I am not "normal"
I am your daughter that has struggled to deal with her depression and anxiety due to my imperfections
But you, are also far from perfect
You got pulled into the world of drugs
Using them to numb yourself from the world around you
Like you I have used "drugs" so to speak
I have self harmed
I have starved
I have thrown myself into harmful situations with intentions to punish myself for my imperfections
I wanted to become numb to the world
But I will not fallow in your foot steps
Unlike you, my current drug of choice is constructive. Not destructive.
My drug of choice is Music
I relate when I hear B Mike sing about parents walking out
I cry when I hear Ronnie Radkey speak my thoughts and ask the questions I have about, you, my mother
I smile when I hear Adam Lambert sing about how I am enough
Music is my drug
Not crack
Not meth
Not Xanax or any other px drugs I can get my hands on
As I continue to walk through life I will always remember the only thing you've ever said to me, as you are in the hospital dying
"You are a dumbass"
Because yes, I am
I think that I can confront someone who never knew me and expect you to remember my name
I think that life will be what I make it
I think that I can become something
I am a dumbass
But my imperfections do not discredit my intellect
I am intelligent
I am understanding and kind
I am compassionate and helpful
So yes I am a dumbass
I'm imperfect
I am not anyone special
But I am a person that can be something
And I can make a difference
Even if it's a small one where my name will not be remembered
So mother
I hope you enjoy knowing that you had one chance to talk to me and get to know me
And that you blew it
And I hope you enjoy your life in darkness after the the light has been put out
And I'm hope you enjoy the darkness in the afterlife you have created for yourself.
For my Gods and Goddess will not save you in this time of need.
They will laugh in your face and give you what you deserve
Darkness
They have been more of a parent to me then you
Do I sound crazy?
To some, yes
But just remember that they have given me hope while you have left me hopeless
And broken