New Beginnings (Sequel to Painful Love)

Chapter 14: Let's Get Home

I took my seat on the airplane flight back home, a window at my right and Ashley at my left. I was still recovering from yesterday, and after that incident, all I could think about were the twins. I couldn't wait to them again.

Soon our plane took off, and we were smooth-sailing in the air. I was holding Ashley's hand, quietly thinking to myself while looking at the crisp white clouds out my window. My thoughts drifted to a rewind of yesterday, even though I wanted to stray away from the topic. But it always popped up in my head. I kept thinking... My twin daughters, they meant the world to me. And so did Ashley. They all made me so happy. Then I looked at myself, what I failure I was. Broken from the start, a self harmer. Ashley helped me get back up at times, but it didn't last forever. Not to mention, my little relapse from the preceding day.

But I kept picturing myself: as an older mother, when my daughters would be halfway through grade school. What if the problems they faced shot me down and made me break down completely? What if I became a horrible mother, just because I couldn't have an ounce of strength in my body? All thanks to a blade. Solving my problems with pain, like always? What if became the end of the road?

Tears shot through my eyes, and I quickly wiped them away with the back of my hand. I didn't want Ashley to see me cry - again. So I squeezed his hand tighter, pleading for those thoughts to just disappear.

"Ow," Ashley said in reaction to the squeezing of his hand. "Babe, that's a little tight... Is something wrong?"

I loosened my grip on his hand, blinking back another tear and looking at him. "Ashley..." I started. "I'm.. I'm such a bad mother."

He looked at me with worry. "What? No, you're not. You're an amazing mother. The twins are so grateful to have you."

"No, Ashley, I'm a terrible mother. I just relapsed yesterday. What'll happen when the girls are older, and they're having trouble with their lives? What if their problems make me break down in front of them? What if I'm not strong enough to be a mom?" I sat in silence for only a second, then grabbed Ashley into a hug, crying on his shoulder.

"Shh, shh, Zoe, calm down," Ashley said softly. "Zoe, that's ridiculous. The twins will be just fine, and so will you. Everything'll be okay, baby. Yes, being a parent is difficult, but it's not impossible. And I'm not gonna say that the twins will always say they love you, but deep down, they do. And you'll always love them. That's all that matters."

I sniffed, wiping a tear away with my fingers. "But what about being strong? I feel like I won't be strong and emotionally stable enough to be a mom."

Ashley grabbed my hand, whispering in my ear. "You never realize how strong you are, until being strong is the only choice you have."