Clandestine

twelve

-julia-

Rosalina throws a piece of popcorn at me. It bounces off my cheek and lands on the dusty bleachers. "Why are you so quiet? Carlotta is about to swim. Shouldn't you be screaming for her? Normally you would have lost your voice by now."

I manage a smile, trying to escape my circling thoughts about the meeting and the illegal video from the jail. "Sorry, I'm just a little preoccupied."

"Yeah, I've noticed that. What are you so worried about?"

"Nothing. It's nothing."

She raises an eyebrow, "I'm going to think that it is something. Few things can capture the entire attention span of Julia. What is it?"

"Nothing. Just...something from my mom's work, okay?"

"Is it from the politics meeting she made you go to the other day? I know those must be incredibly boring."

"Yeah..."

"Listen, I think you should just talk to your mother. You've complained hundreds of times to Carlotta and I about how you would have any job if it meant you didn't have to go into politics. Remember that time you said that you would rather be a garbagewoman than a politician?" Rosalina wrinkles her nose. "You've given us many examples and reasons as why it doesn't work for you. Just tell your mother. What's the worst that can happen?"

"She disowns me." I say, only half kidding. What would my mother say if I said I didn't want to follow her path and the rest of my ancestors' path? Would she slap me again? She's worked so hard to gain the highest position of power within the Assembly. She's been grooming me for her job since I was born.

And if I said that I didn't want to do it?

I wouldn't be that surprised if she disowned me.

Rosalina nudges me, "Don't be so pessimistic. She's your mother. While she's really intimidating, I'm sure she has a heart somewhere in there."

A heart that's dedicated to politics.

Carlotta walks out of the locker room and Rosalina bursts into screams and cheers, earning glares from all the spectators around us. Carlotta sees us in the crowd and rolls her eyes at Rosalina. I give her a bright smile and a thumbs up.

She redirects her attention to the pool, doing some stretches. The current race is almost over, the cheers getting louder and louder until the first place swimmer's fingers touch the wall.

The race ends and the swimmers climb out of the pool. Carlotta takes her place at the start of the race.

We wait and wait in suspense for the race to start and then buzzers erupts.

Carlotta dives into the water and breaks into a tight swimming form. We cheer and scream and stamp our feet as she flips at the wall and starts the next lap. And the next. On the final stretch, our cheers cause the people around us to cover their ears, but we don't stop. Carlotta's fingers touch the wall a good few second before all the other competitors. She pulls herself out of the pool with a bright smile on her face.

She flashes us a smile and we return it with wild thumbs ups.

After the race, she's swarmed with fans and schoolmates and her coach. Then, she's approached by a few scouts for college teams. This happens after every game. She nods and listens to their deals and their scholarships, but she doesn't agree to anything. She has her eyes set on one team. No other team will be good enough for her.

Once she's finally alone, she goes to the locker room to change and chats with her teammates about the meet.

Rosalina and I patiently wait for her as the stands clear out. Rosalina flips through pictures of her competitors for the next fashion show. She critiques their line and gives them a few stubborn compliments. She sighs, "It's only two days. I'm getting some serious jitters. There are going to be hundreds of people there. This could be my next big step up. I might be able to sign with a CEO and start my own official company. What if I finally managed to get rid of my loans?"

"I'm sure that you will do great. You have worked very hard for this."

She nods and goes back through flipping through her phone.

Carlotta sits down besides us. Rosalina and I hug her. "You did great." I say.

"Absolutely fantastic." Rosalina agrees.

Carlotta presses her lips together, "I did okay. My turn was messy."

Rosalina shrugs, "I didn't notice anything. Certainly not when you won the race by whole seconds."

"If my flips had been good, it could have been more. And just because you didn't notice my errors doesn't mean that the scouts didn't."

"Was the scout from your team here?" I ask.

"No. I guess I'm not good enough to gain their attention yet. I'm going to have to work harder than ever."

"Maybe they're just going to wait a little longer to see how much you develop throughout the season."

"If he waits much longer, I'm going to miss the application date. Besides, I don't even know if my mother is going to let me go to that college. There are several other colleges that are offering me a full scholarship. My likelihood of getting a full scholarship from that school is next to none. My parents don't know if they want to spend the money on that college when they can get it for free somewhere else."

"If you tell them how much it means to you, I'm sure they'll let you." Rosalina says.

Carlotta just shrugs.

We go to our favorite ice cream shop and order our regulars. Rosalina and Carlotta talk about the race and the upcoming fashion show while I quietly eat my ice cream. I still can't get the man stooped over on the bench in jail crying out of my head. If he was such a horrible criminal, why would he be crying over missing his daughter?

Carlotta asks, "Julia, what has you so quiet?"

"It's that silly meeting her mother made her attend. She's thinking about how she has to be a politician for the rest of her life. I told her she should just speak to her mother." Rosalina answers for me.

Carlotta says, "I agree, you should talk to your mom. It's going to be difficult and she might get angry at you. But she'll get over it. My parents were plenty mad when I told them that I wasn't going to become a doctor. You will be so much happier when you tell her the truth."

"I think I could get used to being a politician. It wasn't so bad..." I say.

Rosalina shakes her head, "No. Can you hear yourself? Never settle for your future. It's your future, not your mother's. You get to choose it because you are going to be the one living it. Don't let your mother ruin your whole life."

"She wouldn't be ruining my whole life. I would get used to it."

Carlotta frowns, "Don't talk like that. You aren't going to do something that you don't want to do for the rest of your life."

I just shrug, not able to come up with a good reasoning. The idea of telling my mother that I don't want to be a politician makes more more upset than the idea of being a politician my whole life.

Later when I am home alone, I pull out my computer, open a blank page, and try to come up with all the different arguments and reasons I could use to convince my mother. Arguments she would have to actually listen to. Reasons that she couldn't deny.

After two hours, I turn off my computer. The page is still blank.