Clandestine

thirty two

When I walk into our house, my mother is waiting for me. I offer her a tired smile and say, "Good morning. I got almost no sleep last night so I'm going to head up to my room."

"Why didn't you get any sleep?" There's something cold in her eyes.

"We were having a movie marathon. I went to bed around six."

She nods, "So you were watching movies all night?"

I nod, feeling a trap settling around me.

"You weren't at a party?"

I just stare at her. It's clear she knows that I wasn't at Rosalina's house all night. There is no use denying it. The questions is: how much does she know?

I hesitantly bow my head, "Yes, we did go to a party. But only for an hour. Rosalina and Carlotta wanted to go, and I didn't want to drag them down. I was too afraid to tell them that our enemy had escaped jail and was hunting us down. I didn't want to worry them and I thought you wouldn't want everyone to know. I'm sorry for going."

"Whose party did you go to?"

I shrug, "I didn't know. It was just a party. "

"Are you sure you didn't know? You didn't talk to any of the hosts?"

Fear is settling into my stomach. She couldn't possibly know. How would she have found out that I talked to Diane Tinsley?

I say, "What do you mean?"

She glares at me, "I know the truth, Julia. I know what you really did last night. I just want to hear you say what you did. I want you to confess how you betrayed me to the lowest level last night."

"Okay, okay. I'm sorry. I talked to Diane Tinsley. I was just curious. She didn't know who I was."

"What if she finds out?"

"I don't know. I wasn't really thinking."

My mother charges toward me, her face an inch from mine. "That's right. You weren't really thinking. How could you be so foolish? And from what I've gathered, you haven't really been thinking at all this past week."

"What do you mean?"

She takes a step away and slams her hand on the counter, "Do you think that I don't have any security in my office? Did you think that I might not have cameras on my walls so that I know who might come and go? Do you think that you could look on my computer and not get caught?"

My face is a bright red and tears are filling my eyes and I can't see and I can't think and I can't breath.

My mother shouts, "Don't cry. Don't you cry. You didn't deserve a sliver of self-pity. You got yourself into this. You were stupid, so incredibly stupid I don't think you are even my daughter. Think, Julia, think."

Tears are running down my cheeks now and I wish that I could stop so that my mother doesn't think that I am weak on top of stupid. But I can't.

"Please, mother, please, I'm sorry. It was a mistake."

"And you brought your friends in my office too. That stupid Carly girl whose laugh is always too loud upstairs and interrupts my work."

I don't bother correcting my mother that her name is Carlotta and it is actually probably Rosalina's laugh that is too loud. It will only make her more angry than she is. And if her fury increases by just a fraction more, she might burst a blood vessel.

"Honestly, Julia, I just want to know. What were you thinking?"

I just shake my head.

She suddenly becomes calm and a hundred times more terrifying. "I just want to know one thing. What did you see on my computer?"

"I'm sure that you know."

"I do know what you watched. But I want to know what you think you saw.

I don't say anything, trying to keep my tears under control.

"Tell me." She slaps me across my face again. The second time this week. Who has my mother become?

What if she becomes so angry that she murders me too?

I say, "I watched the video of you and Alan Tinsley in jail. He was talking to some guards and then you came and you...you...you shot him."

"What did I do?" Her voice is calm.

I scream, "You shot him. You killed him. You killed him and you are a murderer and--"

She clamps a hand over my mouth but I keep screaming into her fingers. It's freeing to admit the truth. She's my mother. She's the person I'm supposed to be able to tell everything to. If I have a problem, I'm supposed to be able to talk to her about it.

But what do I do if she is my problem?

"So you talked to Diane. What did you tell her? Did you tell her that I killed her father?"

I shake my head against her hand.

"What did you tell her?" She removes her hand from my mouth.

"I told her that a guard had killed her father. I didn't know if she knew that her father was dead. It seemed strange that she would throw a party so soon after his death. I thought it was only right for her to know. I'm sorry."

My mother glares at me. "Do you know how much you could have gotten me into trouble? If anyone finds out, you know that I am going to jail."

I nod.

"So are you going to tell anyone?"

"No, of course not."

"Why not?" She steps away from me, watching my reaction.

"What do you mean?"

"Why wouldn't you turn me in?"

"Because you are my mother. I wouldn't betray you. We're family."

She nods, a smile creeping over her face. She hugs me. I stay still, keeping my arms at my side. "Yes, you're right. We are family. I'm sorry for yelling at you, my darling. I was just afraid. It was wrong for me to take out my fear on you. You realize that you must never talk to anyone about this."

I nod.

"And Carlotta? She saw the video of me...right?"

"Yes. She and Rosalina aren't going to tell anyone."

The mask of calm slips from her face for a second, "You told Rosalina too?"

"She's my friend."

"Okay. but family comes before friends. Don't talk about it anymore. If they bring it up, dismiss it. You need to keep me safe. This never happened. That video, it never happened. Understand?"

"Yes."

"And you won't talk to that Diane anymore, either. That as a mistake as well."

I nod again.

She hugs me and pats my head as if I'm a little pet. "Good. Thank you, Julia. I know that you will be smarter in the future. "

I force a smile and wait for her to dismiss me. She turns and begins making her tea and I take that as a good enough dismissal. I walk away as fast as I can without showing how terrified I am.

I nearly bound up the stairs and collapse on my bed, trembling.

I can't betray my mother. I can't tell the police. I know this.

Then why do I feel so horribly guilty?

How did my mother find everything out? The cameras within her office make sense. But what about the party? Maybe she had a friend who was there and saw me. Maybe she sent someone after me to watch me. I wasn't exactly secretive about talking to Diane.

This was all a mistake.

A waste of my time.

Now I've lost my mother's trust and I haven't even gained anything for it.