Clandestine

sixty two

I anxiously wait for my mother to come home. I just want her to return so that I can get this over with. I don't want to wait running all the different possible punishments through my head as I wait on my bed.

I've hidden the disposable phone in the garden. I put it in a plastic bag and shoved it under a pile of rocks. Is my mother paranoid enough to have the cameras in the garden too? Was that all for nothing?

I wait and wait and wait. It's 1:10. My mother said she would be home ten minutes ago. Is she simply taking longer to add to my suspense? Make me wait just a little be longer in my torture?

Finally I hear the front door slam. My mother yells, "Down stairs this minute, Julia."

I don't mess around. It's best that my mother has the least amount of anger possible.

My mother stands in the kitchen, looking at her computer. "I see you tried to look at the files."

Does she know who I did it with? Has she already viewed the camera footage?

Wait until she has. She'll pop a blood vessel then.

"I've made a decision on your punishment."

Those words are enough to send shivers over my skin.

She just smiles.

I'm filled with the desire to shout, 'Tell me. I hate suspense!' Just like Diane's father did before he was shot. But I know that won't help things along. That just might get me shot.

My mother says, "Don't you want to know?"

"Yes, I was waiting for you to tell me."

My mother says, "I'm sending you away. To a boarding school."

I stand still, "Where?"

"Bovenhaven."

"Bovenhaven? But that's on the other side..."

"On the other side of the country." My mother finishes for me. "That's the idea. You are going to be far away from anyone that you know, anyone that you trust. There will be no more secret sharing with Carlotta and Rosalina. There will be no more secret sharing regardless. Our family secret will be safe."

"You are sending me away because you are afraid that I'm going to tell the truth. You are afraid that I will get you arrested."

"I'm thinking for the family, Julia. Do you know what would happen if I were caught?"

"You would go to prison. Along with the rest of the murderers."

"And you would be here, all alone. You wouldn't have anyone to take care for you. The city would take away half of our money. You would have to become the politician, an Assembly member. We both know how little you want to do that. You would have to provide and care for yourself. Even though you didn't commit the crime, it would be as though you did. Everyone will stay away from you, just in case you snap like your mother. People will be afraid of you, silently wondering if you have the murderer gene. You think your life will get any better if you tell on me? If you tattle tale, you won't just ruin my life. You'll ruin your life. You'll ruin our family history, our family legacy. You'll ruin everything." She's seething. Her eyes glint with something and I'm not sure if she can even see me anymore.

I say, "Then it is a good thing I wasn't planning on tattling on you anytime soon. Your secret is safe with me. I know what loyalty is. I will keep this family safe."

She laughs at me, a crazy, maniacal laugh that sends chills down my spine. "Loyalty? Don't talk to me about loyalty. I watched you tell Carlotta and Rosalina everything."

"Yeah, because they are my best friends. They aren't going to tell anyone."

"Really? Do you believe that? Maybe they won't for a little bit. Maybe this family will be safe for a while. And then one of them will start to feel guilty and they'll go and tell their mother or their new best friends or their boyfriend or someone. They'll tell someone. And the whole thing will crash down in our faces in one horrible, messy scandal that everyone talks about for the rest of our lives until nobody ever respects us ever again."

"I don't know if a murderer deserves to be respected."

She slaps me across the face and spits, "You don't ever call me a murderer ever again, you hear me? Because I'm not a murderer. I was just taking care of what should have been done a long time. Soon, we'll be finally free. Okay, Julia?"

Finally free. We will be finally free once she murders Diane.

I say, "I can't believe you."

She says, "It doesn't matter if you believe me or not. You leave for Bovenhaven tonight. Two hours."

"Two hours? The school year is almost over. I've never even been to a real school. I take it online."

"Well I guess you'll have to learn how to adjust real quick, won't you?"

"Two hours?"

"Sorry. And you're going to have to give me your phone and your laptop. You aren't taking anything electronic along with you. This is a serious school. I want you to do well."

"You just want to be sure that your secret doesn't get out."

"For this family! I'm doing this for the family."

"No, you are doing this for yourself. There's no family here anymore. It's all about saving yourself. You would ship me across the country, just to save yourself. It's all about you. It's always been about you."

She says, "I don't care what you think. I don't care what you believe. You have two hours to get packed. I recommend that you get started now because you are going to be gone a long time. And I'm not going to be spending any time sending you the things you've forgotten because I won't be in contact with you. I want you give you plenty of time to consider all the mistakes you've made to hurt this family. I want you to do this alone so that you can appreciate our family when it's together."

"How long are you sending me away?"

"As long as I see fit. Now go pack."

I walk up to my room and she follows after me. She takes my laptop and my phone and marches out of the room.

I pull my suitcase out of my closet and begin throwing clothes into it.

But then I stop.

Why am I doing this? Why am I allowing my mother to ship me away? Why am I letting my mother abandon me to save herself?

I've spent so much time thinking about the loyalty I owe to my mother. It turns out that all along, my mother doesn't have a single string of family loyalty for me.