Imagine That: Fifth Harmony

Ally • This Is It (2)

Ally's POV

Why?

Am I a bad person? Do I not deserve happiness? I attend church whenever I can; I pray to God just before I go to sleep and as soon as I wake up; I try my best to make everyone feel happy and loved. But, is that not enough? Does God have it in for me?

People say that everything happens for a reason; that God has a plan. And usually, I would believe them. But, not this time. Absolutely not this time. God wouldn't take away the person I love, all as part of His plan.

I knew she was clinically depressed. I knew she hated life. I knew she thought so lowly of herself that she would physically hurt herself. But, I also knew that she had the most wonderful thoughts when they weren't focused on negativity. I knew she was- is, the most beautiful girl I've ever laid my eyes on. I knew that I loved her deeply, more than I have ever loved anyone.

But, of course, being the oblivious girl I am, I decided to ignore everything that mattered and only focused on being happy. Being happy with her. She always made me happy. And I tried to do the same. I made it my own personal goal to see her smile at least once every day. She had the most beautiful smile.

And that's where I went wrong.

I shouldn't have forced her happiness. I should have helped her through her sadness and slowly guided her through. But, I didn't. And that's why she's gone.

It's my fault, isn't it? She had no one else in her life but me, so that must mean that I didn't do enough to help her, right?

God, I miss her so much. Seeing her at the top of that building, about to end her life... That unfortunate memory is burned into my mind forever. And it hurts even more to know that I was right there in front of her, probably able to stop it, but couldn't. Didn't.

Just like I didn't help her.

I don't think I've ever cried as much as in my whole life than I have in the past week. I just want her to be here. With me. I want her to hold me in her arms and rub my back soothingly, telling me everything will be alright. I want her to kiss me on the forehead and give me one of those half smiles she does when she's worried for me. I want her to hold my hands with her soft ones and kiss my fingertips, one at a time, before staring into my eyes and kissing me gently.

I want her back.

It feels like it was just yesterday when I went to her apartment and we spent the night watching movies and cuddling up to each other. We were so close that I could hear her heartbeat. The only beat that I wouldn't mind listening to forever. But, it's not there anymore. I can't listen to it. It's almost as if I've gone deaf, because the only sound I loved to hear is gone.

I wish I could rewind everything. Go back to the way things were. I hate where I'm at right now. It's not right. It doesn't feel right. It doesn't look right. It isn't right.

The bright, warm sunshine shines down from above us, lighting up the clear blue sky and casting the perfect glow on the world below. So ironic, right? The day that my true love is getting buried in the ground is the day that it happens to be beautiful outside.

If she was here, she would be laughing at the irony.

As they lower her casket into the ground, tears race furiously down my cheeks and blur my vision. I don't think I can watch this. I'm not supposed to watch this. I wish I was dreaming.

I feel arms wrap around my shoulders and pull me close to their side, so I look up and see that it's Normani. She's also got tear stained cheeks and is wearing a sad smile as she rubs my arm comfortingly. I move closer to her and hug her from the side, wanting to feel any type of warmth and ease at the moment, though I know it isn't possible. Not without Y/N, anyway.

My eyes never leave the ground as some workers begin to place the fresh soil on the casket that is now placed in the ground. A light breeze flows through the air and rustles the leaves on the trees, but that, along with the sounds of the girl's silent sobbing, is blocked out. All my attention is focused solely on the girl who I was planning on spending the rest of my life with. She was supposed to be mine. Mine.

Eventfully, the workers and the priest both leave after exchanging some words with the girls. I don't listen, though. I don't want to. Because, the seriousness of their voices only confirms the nightmare I'm currently living.

"Ally, I think we should go now," I hear Lauren's voice say after God knows how long. The crack that is evident in her voice only betrays how sad she is, too.

My eyes don't leave the ground still, and I don't bother opening my mouth to speak. I haven't spoken much since she left me. I would honestly be surprised if I still had a voice.

"Let's give her a few minutes..," Dinah says quietly to the girls, and I hear their footsteps treading away from me, leaving me alone in the empty graveyard.

I step on the freshly buried ground and kneel down, placing my hand on the soil. It's weird to think that she is underneath me right now, yet I'll never be able to see her again. No more funny jokes; no more playful arguments; no more cuddling when one of us can't sleep; no more kissing in front of the girls to annoy them; no more anything. It's all gone. At the hands of me, in a way.

I know she wouldn't want me to blame myself, but I can't help it. I love her, yet I failed her. I managed to please and satisfy everyone: my harmonizers, my family, the girls. Everyone but who I wanted to. The girl I love.

"I'm sorry," my voice croaks out quietly, and I cough to rid the dryness of it.

I look up and study the new headstone that we paid to be made for her. It's not too big, nor too small. She would probably slap me if I got her something too big. She was never one for attention. That's one of the things I love about her. She didn't like to be the centre of everything. But, she was the centre of my everything.

The headstone sticks out of the ground and there are a few flowers laid in front of it, brightening up the dullness of the stone.

In beloved memory of Y/F/N.
A best friend and a perfect partner.
1994-2015

I haven't even read the whole engraving and I'm already bawling like a baby. I wish she was here with me. Can't this be some joke? Yes, it would be a cruel joke, but at least she would still be here with me. We were supposed to be together forever. She wasn't supposed to leave my side, and I wasn't supposed to leave hers.

"I'll never stop loving you or thinking about you. We're always going to be together. Forever."

My hand reaches forward and I find myself feeling the engraved quote at the bottom. I believe that wherever she is now, she will read these words and know they are from me. My message to her.

As another tear escapes my eyes, and my hand strokes the stone, my voice manages to whisper a final word for the love of my life to hopefully hear.

"Forever."

//

A part two was requested, so here it is! This is basically Ally's thoughts after you died and I don't know about you, but I'm crying. This was hard to write and omg I don't know how authors write sad scenes in books 'cause it's so hard when you're trying not to cry yourself!

Any who, what did you think?

Also, fun fact: the picture at the top is actually a picture I took when it was a rare occurrence of it being sunny in England lol.

It's too soon to be saying lol isn't it? Okay I'll go now lol (I COULDN'T HELP IT SORRY)