After the bell rang I walked to my gym class. Alone.
I felt so vulnerable. It's all sinking in. Daisi, Cadence, and Jasper all saw me being weak. They saw me in a state that almost no one has ever before. They saw that the smile I keep plastered on my face was so forced, they saw that I was never happy. Wether it be with myself or the way life is going for me.
They saw that I'm so depressed I can barely get out of bed in the morning. And Cadence saw the worst of it. She's the only person who's ever seen them. I feel so ashamed. I feel like I can't do this anymore, like I should just give up the fight because what's the point? What's the point of this all? I know mom said to smile, but does it really matter when she's not even here to see my smiles?
And even if she were she would have given me that sad smile she does. And say, "it's not real, baby girl." I miss her so much. She was my best friend she was the person I told everything to, and now she's gone. Do you know what it's like to see the most important person to you die a slow and painful death?
I saw her as they gave her bottles upon bottles of pills that were supposed to "help". But in reality it looked like they were draining any fight she had in her out. I watched as the pills had side effects like loosing her hair and becoming tired all the time.
I watched as my mother became so pale and sick all the time. I watched as she began to not be able to get out of bed. I watched as the sparkle in her eyes faded into a dullness. She was empty. I remember when I had to go away on a trip for three days and when I came back she was not my mother.
She was a bald woman who was deathly pale, cold to the touch, and just empty. That was how I would describe her, empty. She was dead long before her line went flat. I remember our last conversation. She had faint traces of that sparkle. We talked for so long. I remember when the nurse came in and said we have five minutes until she has to rest. My mom placed her hand on top of mine and with tears in her eyes she gave me that sad smile. We had no need for words.
I knew exactly what she meant. I felt tears submerge and a dry sob came out. She sighed sadly and hugged me with what little strength remained. She mumbled against my hair stroking it gently, "don't cry baby, for as long as my memory remains embedded into your mind I will never be gone."
She laughs under her breath "I'll stick to you worse than that nickname the kids at your school have given you." I laugh as well still sobbing. After that she hands me a necklace with a pendant and a beautiful ring on the chain. I knew the story of the ring and pendant. I gasped and hugged her tight being a little cautious to the tubes needles connected to her while letting go of her. She gave me that same sad smile and whispered, "just always smile, baby girl, always."
That same night she died in her sleep. At the funeral I didn't cry. I smiled sadly at her coffin and placed a rose flower crown on her coffin. After that the rose bush died. And then after that my dad was loosing his sparkle as well. He locked himself in his room for days and then when he came out one day, he wasn't the same. He had a half empty bottle of vodka in his hand and he could barely walk. "You're drinking...? But dad you've never drank before what are you doing??"
And that's when i started loosing my dad too. "Don't fucking worry about it alright?"
I gaped at him. But no matter how bad things got at home I never let it follow and show in school. I've been playing this strong girl act for so long I almost believed all of this didn't effect me. But when I look in the mirror I see that the sparkle that used to be in my eyes has faded. And now my eyes are just sad and tired. But then my eyes trail to my smile. It looks so fake. It feels like I'm just a puppet with someone pulling my strings making me smile and laugh when it feels so..empty inside.
When I'm struck back to reality I see Ash and I notice I'm crying and breathing heavily. Oh, please god no not right now I can't have two panic attacks in a row. I pull my sleeves down and try to hide my shaking hands in my sweater paws. Ash gives me a worried look and steps forward, but I shake my head and run into the bathroom. I hate this...feeling. I hate these thoughts and feelings.
With shaking hands I grab the pendant that's around my neck and whisper, "why..why did you have to do this to me?" Then with a feeling of rage I rip it off and throw it at the mirror shattering it "why would you leave me like this?!" And I break down crying shaking so badly. After a couple minutes I stand up slowly and then gasp realizing what I've done. I pick up the chain slowly and clutch it close to my heart hoping to feel even faint traces of her presence.
I sob and whisper "I'm so sorry...I just miss you so much." I pull my sleeves down and try to push all of the glass into a trash can. I wince feeling a sharp pain in my wrist then a sudden slight relief. I pick up my arm and notice my sweater is slowly spreading a crimson color. I gasp and quickly grabbed a napkin and help it to my wrist. My heart is beating so fast and I don't even know what to do.
Then I hear footsteps and I try to be calm and make as little noise as possible because technically I'm skipping class and whoever is walking could be a teacher. But I'm bleeding a lot and I just kind of destroyed school property and this all looks very very bad.
And then I see Ash and he stops and I open my mouth and close it. His eyes slowly sweep the room looking at the damage to it. There's bloody napkins and broken mirror pieces all around me. He gives me a look and steps forward grabbing my wrist and removing the napkin revealing a deep cut still oozing blood.
He takes his backpack off and his duffel bag (for his soccer practice) and pulls a towel out wetting it and slowly pressing it to the cut. I wince feeling the pain. After a couple minutes it stops bleeding and he gets some gauze and wraps it around my wrist and takes a bobby pin from my hair and uses it to hold the gauze in place.
The whole time neither of us talking. I feel like I owe him an explanation, like he has so many thoughts running through his mind and I don't want him to think I did that I really didn't he needs to know I wouldn't do that again. He hands me a hoodie knowing very well I can't wear the same shirt. I'll put it on later.
I open my mouth and close it looking down.
"I didn't-"
He looks up at me and smiles softly, and somewhat sadly, stopping me.
"I know."
