If only I was there

Chapter 21

I drove to California and went to Claire's grave. I brought orchids, which was her favorite flowers. I touched her gravestone and talked to her for a while.

"Hey Claire, I miss you so much. I just want you to know that I am forever grateful to have a mother like you. I love you will all my heart." I kissed her gravestone and stood up. I looked around and spotted Ben from afar. He was crying alone. I walked behind him and read the gravestone. It wrote "Alaska Carter".

"Hey."

He turned around and wiped his tears. He stood up and smiled to me.

"Hello Megan." I walked to him and hugged him. He hugged me tightly, refusing to let go. I could hear him crying. He let go and looked at me.

"She died because of cancer."

"I'm sure she was a strong."

"The strongest." He smiled. He told me that he left California because his sister wanted to live in New York. I told him about my past and he told me about his past.

I went to Connor's and Ben wanted to join me. I knocked the door when we arrived. Nobody answered. I knocked it aggressively and worry started to fill my emotions.

"Hello?! Connor?!" I yelled.

"Megan, calm down."

"I can't, Ben. Connor! Open the door!" I yelled and kicked the door open. My tears started to flow as I saw Connor hanging from the ceiling. I fell on my knees and started to blame myself for every single thing in life. Everything was my fault. Rachel's disability, Claire's death and Connor's. I even blamed myself for Stella and Dane's break up.

Ben hugged me and handed me a letter. He left me on the couch and left to call the police.

The letter wrote "Dear Megan, don't blame yourself. It was my choice. I couldn't live without her. She was my light through the darkness. After I lost her, I started drinking. When you called, asking me if I was okay I lied. I wasn't okay. I will never be without her. I decided to see her, Megan. Goodbye and thanks for everything. -Connor"

I cried when I finished reading the letter. Ben sat down next to me and hugged me. I cried in his arms and started to blame myself. I let go of him. I was a grenade to everyone I cared.

"You should go, I don't want to lose you too."

He didn't move but continue to look at me with worried eyes.

"Go, Ben. Just go." By now, the police was taking Connor leaving Ben and I alone.

"Ben, go." He came closer and hugged me.

"Hey, it's not your fault. Don't be so hard in yourself."

"But.."

"Shut up. Stop it. Okay? It's not and never will be your fault."

I wiped my tears as I let go of him. I hated this feeling. I hated myself for being so weak. I hated it. I walked upstairs and went to Claire's old room. Memories started to flow in as I lay down on the bed. On the wall, beside the bed were pictures. Pictures of the three of us together. I ran my hands on them and I kissed them.

I found an album as I stood up. The album was dedicated to me growing up. Ben walked in the room and sat beside me on the bed. He looked at the album and joined me looking through the pictures.

After finishing the album, I fell asleep clutching the album to my chest. Ben left the room and slept on the couch, I assumed. Today was a very emotional day for me.