[Slightly, Maybe] Inspired by the American Idiot Broadway Cast's version of '21 Guns'. I saw the play recently and I kinda fell in love.
Trigger Warning; Suicidal thoughts.
Shane's POV
Nobody likes you, Everyone left you,
They're all out without you, having fun...
Taking a deep, shaky breath I stood from my slouched place on the sofa, my limbs achy and unnecessarily tired. With staggering steps I moved through to the vacant hallways, eyes glossy and slightly blurred from the amount of times I'd cried. No one was home, again; I was left alone, again.
It wasn't that I hadn't tried; I'd tried everything I could to open up, but that never seemed good enough, for anyone. Time and time again I tried to move on with my life, ignore the agony with each step I took and smile, but that praise or gratitude did I receive? None. No 'I'm so proud of you, Shaney' or 'Well done!'. No, instead I got 'Why are you like this all the time?' and 'For fucks sake, Shane! For once just think of how Drew feels!'
What do they know? Fuck all. I do think of Drew, every damn day, and it's because of him that I'm like this; exhausted and numb. I'm in a constant battle with my own mind because of him, I want to live because of him, but I can't. I simply can't.
I thought I could do it, ignore my issues and continue my life with a smile on my lips and Drew's arms around my waist, but I can't. Someone like Drew doesn't deserve a vile excuse for a human being like myself. He deserves love, protection, adoration. I deserve no pity, no love and no one. I don't deserve to live the life I'm living, with a roof over my head and a boyfriend sleeping beside me every night. So I'm going to give it to someone who does, someone who can give Drew the love and care he deserves.
Nobody likes you, Everyone left you,
They're all out without you, having fun...
My eyes squeezed shut at the voice, shaking my head frantically in attempt to silence the chime as I entered mine and Drew's bedroom. It was messy after the fight, remains of thrown belongings scattered across the floor and an upturned empty suitcase resting on the bed. He was going to leave, but I told him he couldn't, not when I was so close to doing the same myself. I didn't see the point in both of us leaving. Moving slowly around the room I began to clear away the painful memories, returning them to their original homes within the room and placing the suitcase back on top of the wardrobe, a small smile on my lips at the sight. I didn't want him to have to start his life again, not when Laurence, Kier and Luke were here to help him. I don't even want to imagine him living on his own; his friends are better at protecting him than I'll ever be, and after this he'd need them more than ever.
Taking another shaky breath I opened the wardrobe, pulling out a small black case from the bottom and making my way back over to the bed, sitting myself down and making sure I was in a comfortable position before opening. Inside, protected in a silk mould, was a never used semi-automatic pistol. Regardless of the fact it had never been fired it was handled regularly, due to the fact it was previously owned by my Father and cared for deeply, until my Mother found it hidden up in the attic and demanded it was destroyed immediately, finding the whole situation disturbing and terrifying; he secretly gave it to me shortly after. I don't think he meant it to be used for escapism, however - most likely for self-defense - but I guess I'm going to be a disappointment to him too.
Double checking it was loaded I raised it to eye level, gazing at the slightly warped colour of my reflection in the metal and smiling; It suited me perfectly. I was warped, 'fucked up', imperfect. Releasing a small broken chuckle and ignoring the fact I was crying again, I took one more look around my room, taking a few seconds at various photographs of my beautiful boyfriend and the slight scent of him moving as gracefully as he did around the room, engulfing me gently as I was near his pillows. He smelt like a mixture of the aftershave I bought him for his birthday and strawberries; his hair always smelt like them, but I had never thought to ask why. Whether it be the shampoo he uses or his unhealthy addiction with the fruit I didn't know, but I wouldn't dare think of complaining; I loved it, especially when I'd nuzzle into the crook of his neck in a morning once he was dressed... but I don't do that anymore; he doesn't let me close enough.
Choking back a sob at the thought of my boyfriend's and I's crumbling relationship I lowered the pistol to my lips, opening them slightly to slip it between them and closing my eyes in hesitation. However, I never had the chance to pull the trigger, releasing a bullet into my mouth to rip me apart from the inside out... because Drew was there. In a last minute glance around the room I saw him stood before me in the doorway, his expression one that I could only describe as devastation.
"Shane?" He croaked out, voice weak and raspy while his cheeks shined with flowing tears.
I quickly lowered the gun, fully aware that it was too late to hide my intentions but not caring as I hid the weapon behind my back.
"D-Drew, I-I was j-just..." I stumbled out, tears falling down my own cheeks but instantly silencing myself as he cautiously stepped into my room.
"W-What the fuck are you doing?" He gasped, his once breath-taking eyes were filled with fear and pain, causing guilt to overcome me at the thought of why I was doing this in such an open space; I should have barricaded the door or locked myself in the bathroom. "And where the hell did you find that?"
"I-I..." I stuttered, trying to find the correct words to not harm him any more than I already have done. "I-I'm h-helping..."
"What?" He asked, slightly harshly as he took another step. His expression was one of confusion and almost annoyance, bringing the tears to fall at a slightly faster rate while I hoped and prayed he'd leave soon.
Nobody likes you, Everyone left you,
They're all out-
"I-I'm s-so, s-so s-sorry..." I cried, quickly returning the weapon between my lips and biting slightly down on the cooling metal, my finger returning to the trigger and seconds away from adding pressure.
"Shane, stop!" Drew cried out, jumping towards me and curling a hand around my wrist, gripping my tightly as if in fear I was going to fade away. "Please, don't!" He sobbed, falling to his knees while gazing up at me pleadingly.
Lowering the pistol once more I stared down at my boyfriend, willingly allowing him near me while I openly cried to him.
"Baby, don't do this," He whispered, shaking his head at a slow pace while his tears were silent but constant. "You're better than this."
"T-This d-doesn't m-mean I'm bad!" I sobbed, trying to push him away but was too weak to even lift a hand.
"I know, I know," He replied quickly, taking back his previous words while beginning to gently shush me. "I'm sorry, I-I just meant that you're usually smarter than this; don't you realise just how much I need you?"
I shook my head, eyes squeezing shut as the voice returned until I pushed it to the back of my mind a the feeling of Drew's soft hand trying to prise the gun from my grip; I held onto it tighter.
"I-I'm a-a f-fuck up..." I croaked, a small whimper leaving my lips.
"So am I, Sweetie," was his reply, a soft smile on his lips at something unknown to me. "But that's okay." I began to object, but Drew didn't give me a chance to before speaking over me. "It's what humans do, Sweetheart, they fuck up... but it's mine and your job to fix it when the other does something stupid, but what am I supposed to do if you're not here?" He asked, my eyes widening slightly at his question.
"W-Well..." I mumbled, voice becoming sore from my pain. "Y-You..."
"I need you, Shaney," He whispered, a sad smile forming on his lips as we gazed into each other's watery eyes. "And I'm so sorry I didn't see this sooner."
"I-I, I-I need y-you too." I cried, choking on my own words as my grip weakened enough for Drew to snatch the weapon from my hand and place it down beside him. Pulling him closer to me I managed a smile as a gentle hand cupped my wet cheek, holding me still while he pressed his lips to my own, kissing me adoringly.
Nobody li-
The voice didn't linger for long once Drew and I pulled away, the corners of our lips turned up into a smile from the loving contact we'd avoided for so long.
"I love you, Shane," He whispered, making the voice disappear completely. "But never try to leave me again."
Author's Note:- This is stupid, but I hope it wasn't too bad. ~IerosEyebrows x
