SLASHER! Episode 1-"Don't Hold Your Breath"

Scene 6

(Cathy walks through the halls on her first day at school. Immediately, people start whispering about her and looking at her weirdly. But it doesn't really affect Cathy. She's been through this numerous times before. She's too busy noticing people's looks to notice a locker door opening. She runs smack into it.)

Martin: God...I'm sorry. Are you ok?

Cathy: Yeah. It's ok...I'm alive...barely...

Martin: You're funny.

Cathy: I tend to be humorous in weird situations.

Martin: I like that. I love people who have a sense of humor. I especially like it in girls.

Cathy: Nice to know....

(Suddenly, a voice pops out of nowhere.)

Piper: Are you new here? I can tell. You have that scent like a new car. But don't worry. It'll take a little test drive and soon, you'll be in need of an oil change.

Cathy: Huh?

Martin: Piper, this is....?

Cathy: Cathy. Cathy Everdeen.

Martin: I'm Martin. Martin Woodsboro.

(They shake hands. Piper breaks the contact of their hands.)

Piper: I'm Piper Snipes.

(Piper puts out her hand. Cathy shakes it.)

Piper: Your hands feel...mannish.

Martin: I'm gonna go. Wouldn't wanna be late to class.

(Martin leaves.)

Piper: Coming, babe...

Cathy: Oh! Ummm...Some advice?

(Piper smiles.)

Piper: If you start barfing and skipping meals immediately, you can manage to slim down by the holidays and won't get mistaken for a Christmas ham. Don't worry. You'll thank me when you can get through the doorway without turning sideways. Welcome to iPrep!

(Piper leaves. Cathy looks stunned. Rosie and Casey enter.)

Rosie: I see you've met our...Welcoming Committee....

Casey: Don't be offended. She's like that with everyone. Rosie knows.

Rosie: Really? On the first day of school?...

Casey: Sorry.

Cathy: I...I...

Rosie: Looks like you just got piped by the Piper. While you adjust to the shock, we'll give you a crash course on Bitch 101.

Cathy: Okay...

Rosie: Now, imagine the most offensive thing you ever heard, multiply it by 10, and imagine it coming out of the mouth of a teenage blonde white bitch. That's Piper Snipes for ya. She makes the lives of the student body of iPrep a living hell. But she's not alone in her work. She has her little bitch minions to help her out.

(Piper and her minions walk down the hall in the clichéd way mean girls do in movies & TV.)

Casey: She's so self-centered that she doesn't even know their names...or cares enough to know it. So she gave them their own names. In her own twisted homage to everyone's favorite children's book author, Dr. Seuss, she calls them Things 1, 2, and 3. Sometimes, we call them the ABCs. But we know their names. Thing 1 is Amber Miller. Her great-grandfather founded Miller Brewing Company.

Rosie: Thing 2 is Bea Lynch. She's soooo dumb. She asked me how to spell her name.

Casey: And Thing 3 is Caroline Carpenter. We don't know much about her...

Cathy: What about Martin?

Rosie: Oooh... You're smitten.

Casey: But hands off. He's property of Piper. Sort of.

Rosie: But he's a jock...and jocks don't go for people like us...

(Bell rings.)

Cathy: Let's see what the rest of the day has to offer.