Shawn Murphy: Nice house, Piper.
Piper: Thanks. White privilege can be rather comforting.
(Piper and Things 1,2, and 3 walk around her house.)
Jane North: Piper, sign my face!
(Piper snaps her fingers and one of the Things hand her a Sharpie. She signs on Jane's face: "Stay in school. Smarts are for ugly people. And in your case, knowledge is power!"
Jane North: Bless you, O Holy One!
Piper: Boy, I love my adoring fans.
Amber (Thing #1): That's so spiffy.
Piper: What the fuck does spiffy mean?
Amber (Thing #1): Oh. It means excellent. It's slang...in Australia.
(Suddenly, Piper sees Cathy with Rosie and Casey and becomes enraged.)
Piper: What the hell is she doing here?
Rosie: You said I could bring a person.
Piper: Obviously, you did quite the opposite.
Cathy: I'm gonna take a wild guess and assume that you're gonna be the girl who makes my days at this school a living hell.
Piper: Does a bear shit in the woods?
(Rosie and Cathy roll their eyes.)
Piper: If you're waiting for me to be nice, don't hold your breath. You're gonna need all the oxygen you can get in order to fit in your clothes.
Cathy: What? I'm not fat.
Amber (Thing 1): Did your mother tell you that?
Piper: Here's a tip. When you go on the scale, always subtract 6 pounds. Although my mom tells me to subtract 4 since she says I don't have much of a brain.
Rosie: You might as well subtract another pound since you don't have a heart either.
Piper: Lezzie McGuire, your basic insult turned out to be a weight loss supplement. Why are you even here? Isn't there a dildo you should be shopping for?
Rosie: You invited me...
Piper: Oh right. I did. And that was my attempt to reconcile with a former cohort of mine. But it's useless. I don't know what I saw in you anyway. You dress like the lead singer of a early '90s alt-rock band. Haven't you heard? Grunge is dead. It died right along with Kurt Cocaine or whatever his name was. As for you, Kangaroo Pouch, you're obviously not wanted here so why don't you transfer back to Loserville? Rosie, you can help her out. Don't all lesbians have a stock in U-Haul? I think they hand it out as a part of a membership package deal you get when you join the Sapphic Club.
(Piper leaves and Things 1, 2, and 3 follow her.)
Piper (in voice-over): Now, I know what you're thinking. "What a bitch!" Well, thank you. But...this is the part where you start to feel bad for me. It's hereditary.
(FLASHBACK)
(Piper enters her home.)
Piper (in voice-over): Mother was a world-renowned beauty queen. She won the Miss US pageant in the early 90s and was featured in People Magazine's 50 Most Beautiful People In The World twice. She even briefly dated a Baldwin brother. But at the height of her beauty, she gave it all up...her fame, her fortune, her chiseled body...all for me, her pride and joy. Daddy is an Fortune 500 investment banker. He's like a gazillionaire. He regularly makes the Forbes list. You would think with my lavish upbringing that my life would be like a fairy tale. And you're not wrong. But it's not like Cinderella or Sleeping Beauty or even the one with the poor black girl who kissed a frog or some shit like that. My life is like The Little Mermaid but not the Disney adaptation. The original story. Every day when I come home,...I turn into scum.
Piper: Hello, Mother.
Piper (in voice-over): You want to know what the first thing my mom tells me when I arrive from school is? Not "Hello, darling daughter. You must be so worn out after a long day at school. It must not be easy going to the same school with people who wear polyester." Nope. This is what she says.
Penelope: Hop on that scale! Immediately.
(Piper goes.)
Penelope: Don't walk! Run. You'll lose more calories.
(Piper runs towards the scale. She hops on and her mom looks at the result.)
Penelope: 103. Have you been getting more than coffee at Starbucks?
Piper: Mom...
Penelope: You were 101 the last time. Look at you. You look like one of the Klumps. Get on that treadmill.
(Piper gets on the treadmill and begins running.)
Penelope: You're changing your diet. For the next week, you're not allowed to even think about food. I don't want you to make the same mistakes I made. 24 years old...and over weight.
Piper (in voice-over): She weighed 110 pounds! That exaggeration aside, my mom means well...just...in her own way.
Penelope: Now, go have a cigarette.
(Suddenly, Piper & Penelope hear the sounds of a helicopter.)
Piper: Daddy's back!
(Peter enters.)
Peter: Where's my drink? Work fucked me in the ass today.
Penelope: Hmm. Must have learned that from your side piece whore!
Peter: That's no way to talk about your sister!
Penelope: Half-sister. She got her whorish ways from our mother.
Peter: I'm not for the bitching today.
Penelope: I'll show you "bitching".
(Peter and Penelope go into their room and continue to argue. Piper stares at the drink prepared for her father and takes it.)
Piper: Well...someone's gotta drink it.
(Piper drinks it.)
Piper (in voice-over): Now you know why I'm such a bitch. Keep that in mind. I hope you enjoyed my PSA.
YOU ARE READING
SLASHER! Episode 1-"Don't Hold Your Breath"
HorrorA Northeastern town gets bombarded with the resurgence of an early 1980s serial killer, much to the surprise of the townsfolk as the original culprit is currently on Death Row for his monstrous crimes.
