SLASHER! Episode 1-"Don't Hold Your Breath"

Scene 11

(Cathy, Rosie, and Casey enter the mall.)

Cathy: Wow...for a small town, you guys sure do have a huge ass mall.

Rosie: We have the Reagan-era financial boom to thank for that.

Casey: Where was all this in history class this morning?

Rosie: With your mom last night.

Casey: We have the same mom.

Rosie: I thought I told you you were adopted.

Cathy: You guys are hysterical.

Rosie: Yeah...and we're about to get a lot funnier.

(Piper and Things 1, 2, & 3 walk towards Cathy, Rosie, and Casey. Things 1, 2, and 3 are holding Piper's belongings, including her dog, Angel.)

Casey: How do I look?

Rosie: I'm sure unless they had cataracts, they aren't checking for you, bro.

Casey: Can't blame a guy for trying...

Rosie: Piper...

Piper: Twin, Other Twin, and New Girl. How are you guys doing?

Rosie: We're doi-

Piper: I didn't care enough for a response.

Rosie (dryly): It's the thought that counts...

Piper: I don't even know why I'm doing this but as my dad always says, everything happens for a reason...unless you're a Kennedy. Then it's just bad luck or a curse. Anyways, I'm totes throwing a little soirée for my fellow classmates to take our minds off the grueling assignments our senior year has already begun to offer. Which is completely stupid. I don't care about dead presidents...unless they're on the money I spend. I'm allowing you to bring a person. It'll be fun. You too, Boy Twin.

Casey: Awesome. But one thing...I don't know if by chance, you've paid attention to the news...or Twitter...but there's a psychotic killer on the loose.

Piper: You mean The Murder Murderer? We'll be fine. I'm hiring security. Also, I wouldn't be scared of a killer who sounds like he got his name out of a episode of Scooby Doo.

Rosie: The same guy who killed 15 people....

Piper: Oh please. The swine flu did less damage than that and I wasn't terrified. I didn't even get vaccinated.

(Things 1, 2, and 3 laugh. Piper snaps her fingers and they stop.)

Piper: Hey. What did I tell you skanks? Laugh for no more than 3 seconds or else you take attention away from me and I'm standing there, looking stupid.

Rosie (sarcastically): And we can't have that, can we?

Piper: Hmmm... Things 1 2 and 3, let's go. There's a sale at Gucci. Mama needs a new purse. This one is getting fugly.

Amber (Thing 1): You just got that last month.

Piper: Thing 2, you get to get on top of your trends the way you get on top of boys. Rapidly and frequently. And you'll probably also be begging to take off your clothes while you're at it.

Amber (Thing 1): I'm Thing 1!

(Piper turns her attention to her dog.)

Piper: And besides. I can't have my baby in something out of style. Isn't that right? Isn't that right? Yes, it is! Yes, it is!

(Cathy, Rosie, and Casey look weirded out.)

Piper: See you tonight. Things, let's go!

(Piper and Things 1, 2, & 3 leave.)