Until The Whole World Hears?

Chapter: 23: Is This The End?

          I packed up my things oppositionaly and maturely without having my mother and brother having to drive all the way down here to get me. The thought of seeing the life whipped out of someone who was so close to me just ...  blows my mind. That part of you that you entrusted in their hands and now their gone and so is that part of you. It happened so sudden and unexpecting and that I couldn't believe or grasp that this was reality ... this really happened and I wasn't here to witness it. 

          I trample over suit case after suit case, going back and forth trying to get all that I need, and hoping I wouldn't forget anything for my trip back home. I didn't know how long I would be before I would come back ... I'm not even sure if I'll have the strength to come back or ever go on with life as if it was even worth living now. 

          I dragged each suit case one by one into my car and when I was sure I had everything, I made a phone call to tell me mother I would be on my way. For the first time in a long time, I am hesitating to call my mother, because if I hear her crying the way she did when she called me in the middle of the night to tell me the worst news I have ever heard, it would be even harder to come home. I didn't want to ever have to experience this, but it had to happen .... I just wish it didn't have to end like this. 

          I closed the trunk of my car after putting in my belongs and got into the driver’s seat. I managed to make a call even though my hands were shaking, and my palms were wet from the tears I tried to stop from pouring out of my eyes. I put my phone to my ear and after two rings I've gotten a hold of her.

          "Ava?" I heard Dawn's hoarse voice say. I wasn't expecting him to pick up my mother's phone, but I figured she must have stopped taking calls once everyone heard the news.

          "Dawn? Where's mom?" I asked, concerned. 

          "She locked herself in dad's office ... She won't come out." He says, half annoyed, and half tired.

          "Oh, well whenever she comes out tell her I'm on my way." I say, holding back the sobs.

          "Yeah ... I'll tell her ..." Is all he says and hangs up. I could hear how upset he is and the buried anger he fails to hide in his voice, and I can't blame him for feeling that way ... because deep down I wanted to scream and stomp my feet and yell out 'God why?! All these years of being a faithful servant and this is what I get?!' 

          I start the car engine and turned off the radio when worship songs came on, I had no idea what God was doing in my life and never have, but I'm not liking the direction it's going in at all. I don't even want to think about him and his plans he has for me, I don't want to run to him to give me strength. I admit that I am mad at him, he could have everything else, but this ... this was too much. 

                                                           **************

          I watched from the church windows as people gathered around and walked across the street to the funeral that was being held today. Everyone’s wearing all black, a gray cloudy day, and gloomy faces, that expressed the meaning of today. All my family and friends came to support and to show their respects. Earlier today I got a surprise of a life time when Courtney and Michael came to show their respects. Even though I knew this was wrong of me, I acted as if anything hadn’t changed and between them and I, and I simply thanked them for coming. 

          All my missionary group member’s including Vivia came, and I promised myself I wouldn’t cry, but when they came and hugged me I lost all sense of holding my emotions in. I was beyond grateful for their generosity and trying to cheer me up with their corny jokes. It’s been awhile since I’ve done anything with them, since we’ve gone our separate ways after high school.