The Secret Life of Poot Lovato

Liberté. Égalité. Obésité.

Finland was cool for the summer... literally. It was early June, the sun was shining, and the temperature floated between 55 and 60 degrees. Poot landed in Helsinki and did anything she could to avoid being recognized. She wore a scarf around her neck and a pair of bizarre sunglasses.

Everything was going great, until "D in My V" came on the radio. Everyone in the hall started bopping to the song, and even Poot herself couldn't help but sing along to her hit. A preteen girl next to her started at her for a while, and then screamed: "POOOOOOOOOOOT!"

Busted. Bummer! "No, no! I'm Geronimo," said Poot.

But there was no way she could hide her identity anymore. The entire airport started clapping at her and praising her vocals and her songwriting ability. She was escorted out of the airport, delicately thrown in a glamorous limousine, and driven to the most prestigious hotel in the area. Poot learned that she had become a multi-platinum selling popstar in Finland, and that the Finns were stanning hard for her. Poot enjoyed her stay at the grand hotel, in the most luxurious suite, chilling in the jacuzzi and drinking expensive Italian wines.

A few hours later, Demi landed in Helsinki. She rushed to the local police office to ask about Poot. As the officer saw her, he opened his eyes wide and exclaimed: "O-M-G!"

"Yeah, I know, it's me. May I ask something?" Demi asked impatiently.

"Guys, guys, come here! Poot is in the house!" the officer said excitingly.

"No, I'm not Pootrida. That's my evil sister. I'm Demi Lovato, the relevant one!"

"Who?"

"I need to find my sister. She's been posing as me, and I need to take her back to America to get her jailed. I know she's in Finland, please try to find out where she is!"

"Well, I'm taking my daughter to her concert tonight. If you want to see her, she's there, but the tickets sold out in five minutes."

"WHAT?! That bitch has zero talent! You can't be serious!"

The officer handed Demi a ticket and said: "Here you are. It was my wife's but she can't come, so feel free to go see your fave in concert!"

In the mean time, Poot was rehearsing for her first-ever concert as herself, Poot Lovato, and not as her sister. She was super excited. She'd been learning the basics of the Finnish language for her fans. She could now say "I'm gonna flick your vagina" in Finnish: "Aion leffa emättimeen!" How cool!

While she was putting her make-up on, she heard the dressing room's door fall with a bang.

"Here we are, face to face," Demi said with an evil smirk.

Before either of them could say anything, two bulky bodyguards grabbed Demi and escorted her out of the bulding, leaving her on the street. She tried to sneak into the venue again, but all that security wouldn't let her. She decided to just wait for Poot outside, and drag her back to America while no one could see them.

At the end of the concert, Poot announced: "I'm proud to introduce you to my debut album, now available on iTunes. It's called Vulva. Go get it now! Hyvää yötä! Goodnight!"

Demi unlocked her phone and went on iTunes. There it was. Vulva by Poot Lovato. $14.99. 12 songs. The tracklist was shocking, yet intriguing:

1. Vajayjay Attack

2. Pussywreck

3. D in My V

4. Who's That Fatty

5. Two Fingers

6. I Knew You Were Fat.

7. Flick Like There's No Tomorrow (feat. Selena Gomez)

8. Liberté. Égalité. Obésité.

9. Never Been Flicked

10. Give Your Vagina a Flick

11. Ms. Poot

12. D in My V (Whale Version)

Partly for the cold, partly for the shock, Demi froze on the sidewalk.