The Secret Life of Poot Lovato

Flop for the Summer

It was just another summer morning. The sun was shining in the sky, lighting up Demi's bedroom and creating a relaxing atmosphere. The singer was sitting on her bed, with her laptop on her thighs. "Let's check out how my new single, Cool for the Summer, is doing on iTunes," she said to herself.

Demi's brand new single, a Max Martin-penned track, had all it took to become a smash hit. Catchy, sexy, and well-produced. The girl opened the iTunes app in the charts section. She was surprised when she didn't see herself at the top. She scrolled down a bit. Nowhere to be found in the top ten. Until, at one point... #13 Demi Lovato - Cool for the Summer. What the hell? Who could be possibly selling more than her newly-released summer jam?

She scrolled up a bit and noticed that the twelve songs above her were all the Poot Lovato album tracks from Vulva, her album released one month earlier. Even the indie bonus track D in My V (Whale Version) was charting higher than Cool for the Summer. "NOT AGAIN!" Demi screamed, as she reached for her phone. She decided to call the only person who knew more than her about flopping: Lady Gaga.

"Hey Gags," Demi started the conversation.

"Just a second it's my favorite song they're gonna play... oh wait no, it's Express Yourself by Madonna. Speak, girl," Gaga replied.

"How do you handle your single flopping on the charts and selling less than your rival's?"

"I don't know what you're talking about, Demetria. I'm too busy performing on my sold-out jazz tour. Please call Christina Aguilera for some flop talk, she might help you."

Gaga hanged up, and Demi did not want to call Legend X. The last time she had a phone conversation with her she went deaf for three days. "I guess I can't eliminate Pootrida because that'll lead people to buy her album even more," Demi thought to herself. "She needs to go back to the basement, and this time with no windows or contact with the world."

On the other side of the planet, Poot's yacht had reached the coasts of Russia, where her friends involved in the local mafia had been waiting for her. Then, they all went to a local restaurant together, eating okroshka, shashlyk and other weird things of dubious origin. A lot of fangirls managed to snatch one picture of two of Poot, but, as usual, she covered her face with a huge condom-looking hat that Lady Gaga's stylists had created for her.

"My dear druzya, how do you eliminate your formerly-famous twin sister without being suspected on?" Poot asked her friends.

"Get Beyoncé to make out with her. Rumor has it that her breath can kill an insect from a ten foot distance," Polina suggested.

"Send her to Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton's driving school, I've heard it's pretty lethal," said Yulianna.

"Make her duet with Iggy Azalea, she's cursed and she's already killed several careers this year," Yekaterina advised.

"Beyoncé would never make out with my sister, and Lindsay and Paris haven't driven dangerously for years now..." Poot said. "But Iggy, that's a splendid idea, Kate! If we write a song where Iggy's rapping is tragic and Demi screams enough, we might totally kill her career without having to kill her physically!"

Two days later, Demi announced her album would include a collaboration with Iggy Azalea, called Condom Cum.