The Secret Life of Poot Lovato

Close Your Eyes, Joobie

As soon as Poot shoved her tongue into Joob's mouth, she felt tears run down her cheek. Joob's severe halitosis didn't make the makeout session enjoyable, and something had to be done.

Poot smelled the burned garlic in the air and remembered about her pie. She opened the oven, and took her five star cuisine masterpiece out, just moments before the oven exploded.

"Here, honey," she said to Joob. "If we both eat this delicacy, we'll smell good. I'm sorry babe, I just can't make out with someone who's been eating coypu remains for years."

Poot and Joob ate the pie she cooked with all her love, and finally moved to the bedroom. The makeout session soon became a strip tease, and finally turned into wild sex. Obviously, Poot topped. She ripped Joob's anus so much that she could stick an entire skyscraper inside it, and he moaned like crazy, clearly enjoying his lover's weird fetish.

As the days went by, Joob recorded an album, Purpose, and released it, posing as his brother Justin. Poot had tried to warn him about the price of fame, but Joob felt ready to face a life under the spotlight. "Joob, let's be honest. You're quite dumb, and your head is shaped like a penis. I really like that, but the media will destroy you. You aren't ready for that kind of life," Poot would tell him, but he would answer stuff like "I'll show you life is worth living, sorry" or "no pressure please, I love the feeling, mark my words"... He was just being nonsensical, basically.

Purpose became a global success, ending Justin's rivals One Direction's career and topping all the charts worldwide. Joob, posing as Justin, was followed by paparazzi everywhere, who always asked about the strange shape of his head. Joob would serve nonsensical realness, as always, with answers like "you gotta love yourself" or "get used to me".

Poot noticed that it was getting too much for her boyfriend, so she confronted him one night while they were eating bovine guts with pineapple and octopus. "Joob, I really think we deserve a vacation."

"Yes we do, please let it be in a country where I'm not number one yet so I can become even more famous... oh wait, I'm number one everywhere," Joob chuckled.

"I know a place where you're irrelevant, I'll take you there," Poot smirked.

"Where?"

"It's a surprise."

"Ugh, but I wanna know!"

"Close your eyes, Joobie."

"No!"

Poot approached Joob, grabbed a huge vase, and smashed in on his head, making him faint in the moment. Then, she took him to the airport and flew all the way to the other side of the world.

"Uhh... where am I?" Joob asked, as he woke up.

"Where do you think we are?" Poot asked back.

"Canada?"

"Look at the maps on your phone to find our precise position."

"But... there is no data here?"

"I know. Look outside the window then."

"Damn Poot, we're in the middle of nowhere!"

"Glirit mortin hed sarma shinem. Wondering why I'm saying that I'll cook the traditional Armenian dish sarma with your penis skin in Armenian? Well, because we're in the mountains in Armenia, you dumbfuck. I built this house overnight for you and me. They gave me two bricks and a trowel, and I made all this with my own hands. There's a jacuzzi, too. I guess you should stop whining and be thankful, maybe."

"But I need someone to sing my songs to, I want everyone to know me!"

"Not today fatty, not today. You're just gonna sing to the trees and to the rocks. Otherwise you can go eat my pussy hair—or ptzi mazes beranit mech, as they say here in Armenia."

Poot took Joob out for a walk, until she saw a deep ass gorge. She instinctively took Joob's hand and brought him closer to the crevice...