The Secret Life of Poot Lovato

Psychedelic Mushrooms

Poot and Justin were a strange couple. No one would've never imagined to see that side of Justin again. The playful one, the one that could take jokes and make them, the one where he completely abandons his thug image and puts a huge smile on his face. And all this was thanks to Poot... well, indirectly thanks to her.

Justin was so happy that he stopped promoting his successful comeback album Purpose to focus on his love life. Poot loved traveling, and he'd follow her everywhere. They went to the Australian outback, where they showed the Aborigines how to flick vajayjays and buttholes, thus completely revolutioning the population's sexual habits. They visited the cannibal peoples in Papwa New Guinea, where Poot was venerated as a goddess. They spent an intimate weekend in Sardinia, Italy, where they ate the famous aphrodisiac rotten cheese with maggots. They shared everything, to the point that it had become a fully symbiotic relationship.

Justin was always happy, and the media couldn't find an excuse to talk shit about him anymore. He'd found love, respect and gratification in Poot's arms. But how long was this euphoria going to last?

Poot dragged Justin to the Altai Mountains, a remote area between Russia, Kazakhstan, China and Mongolia, for some healthy trekking. One small village every 30 miles, and no wifi or data for an entire week. Not like they needed food and internet though, they had each other!

The endeavor turned out to be much harder than Justin had thought. It was 11AM, and while Poot was climbing the mountains like the most agile chamois ever, Justin was starting to faint.

"Look, we're at a crossroads!" Justin exclaimed.

Poot was usually the one in control in the relationship, but it was November 10th, and she hated making important decisions on the even days of the odd months, so she said: "I know, Justin. You decide where to go."

"Umm, okay... I guess we should go left."

"Good. We'll be in Tashanta, the nearest village, in six hours."

As they walked, Justin didn't even feel tired anymore, but he started to have weird visions. First, he saw a group of koalas inviting him to a Thai dinner. Then, he spotted a giant cactus dancing Hawaiian choreographies. Finally, he found himself in the Italian restaurant "Da Salvatore Scannapieco" in the middle of the village of Tashanta...

"So, what would you like to eat, Justin? I've heard Salvatore's tripe is one of the best in Siberia."

Wait! This wasn't a vision! They were actually in Tashanta, and they were actually sitting at a table in an actual Italian restaurant.

"Umm... I guess I'll try the octopus with vinegar. The seafood must be fresh here in the mountains," Justin ordered.

"Good. I'll get the Roman-style tripe."

After a minute of awkward silence, Poot finally confessed: "Justin, I took the liberty to add a hallucinogen to your water bottle. You looked tired and agitated."

Justin stared at Poot blank faced. "You drugged me?!"

"Only for your good."

As Justin was starting to fume, the food arrived. Justin ate his octopus, and when he directed his gaze to Poot, he noticed that she was surrounded by sea lions. They were fluctuating in the air, and they were waving at him.

"I added a hallucinogen to your octopus, too. I opened an illegal psychedelic mushroom plantation in Romania and I'm testing them on you. They seem to work!" Poot announced with a huge smile on her face.

"Bitch! Stop drugging me!" Justin screamed furiously, as he was regaining consciousness.

"I did it for your good, Justin. You should only thank me and my psychedelic mushrooms if you've been in a great mood for the past few weeks," Poot explained to him as he was heading out of the restaurant.

Justin didn't want to hear any excuses. He opened the door and crossed it. Poot reached the door and watched him go. As Justin was walking on Tashanta's main street, a grizzly bear named Boris came out of a small alley and devoured him.

When he was done eating, he invited Poot to join him in a folkloristic Russian dance, getting praise and applauses from the local bystanders.