When I Eat, I Hate Myself A Little More

Chapter 1

Hello~ yeah this is my first time writing a story but feel free to give any negative comments so I'd be able to improve more. If any of you out there reading this is suffering from any form of eating disorders please seek help. Don't keep this to yourself. I know it is tough but you'll get through it.

CHAPTER 1

The days are a death wish

A witch hunt for an exit

I am powerless

The fragile, the broken

Sit in circles and stay unspoken

We are powerless

Hospital For Souls by Bring Me The Horizon. This song is always my getaway whenever things get bad or whenever I feel like giving up.

I stood in front of my mirror and the reflection staring back at me is a short, chunky girl with hot tears streaming down her face and countless cuts exposed on her thighs.

It took me a few minutes to realize that ugly girl is actually me.

Yes. Another night, another binge session. I can never have self control over food, no matter how much i despise the girl in the mirror I can never seem to stop myself from eating.

No matter how much i wanted to become skinny i can never stop my craving for food.

I had just ate 3/4 of a bowl of rice with some sauteed vegetables and diced chicken. Sadly, having an Asian mom made me have no choice but to eat rice almost everyday.

Even the thought of it makes me sick.

Looking at the mirror once again, I was on the verge of breaking down.

I rushed to the bathroom and knelt on the floor right beside the toilet bowl itself.

I have never gotten the courage to make myself purge, even if the thought and the urge is there i just couldn't bring myself to shove a finger in my throat to easily get those calories that i have just consumed out.

The fact that I did not dare to purge made me hate myself more.

Looking back and forth between my reflection and the toilet bowl made my blood boil.

I wanted to purge!

I wanted to starve!

I wanted to die!

But i couldn't do any of that now.

so i just screamed.

I vigorously pulled on to a bunch of strands of my hair and got my phone, toothbrush, bottles of soap, random objects and threw it all around the bathroom.

I could feel new hot tears rising from my eyes as i looked in to the bathroom mirror.

Once again, i felt disgusted by the image represented as my reflection before me.

I brought my well kept sharpener blade and angled it down to my thigh, my eyes scanning the scars all over it.

I brought it down to the thin layer of skin and let it glide smoothly five times horizontally. Each cut parallel to each other.

As the blood started to slowly ooze out of the cuts and on to the floor, I took in the moment of peace.

The aroma of the blood all around and the beautiful color of bright red on my thighs and the floor made everything better.

After a few minutes, I got some paper towels and slowly tapped the excess blood off my legs and the floor.

Once I was done, i looked at the bathroom mirror.

After 10 seconds of staring intently at my reflected image, it started smiling at me. I could feel Ana; my demon take over me as the image started to speak to me.

"Look at how worthless you are, you're so fat and you deserve nothing. Or maybe you do deserve the cuts you made. You'll look ugly for eternity in every aspect. You cant even force yourself to purge I guess you'll die as a fat fat girl Lindsey"

" I'm already trying t--"

"SHUT UP. Starve more Lindsey, or else you'll just be living alone with no one loving you and you'll be stuck in this hell hole with only me around".

'she' gave a small smirk to me through the mirror and just like that she was gone.

I was brought back to my senses.

I glanced around the bathroom and grabbed my phone which was thrown in to the bathtub, shut off the music and just walked back to my room.

I plopped on my bed awaiting for the rest of my nightmares to come.

How was it?? I kinda know how this story is gonna go but suggestions would be kindly appreciated. Muahaha.

xx