When I Eat, I Hate Myself A Little More

Chapter 22

Is this what you call an aftermath? Where you just go bat shit crazy over that bat shit crazy thing you did a few days ago and still act bat shit crazy?

Yeah that didn't make any sense but yet it still does.

After that kiss we practically acted like nothing happened. We talked a bit, played on the swing a bit, laughed a bit and practically everything all over again. But thankfully I'm not the only one who feels like this after that experience. For the past few days of blogging, I posted a full on detail about that and made sure that Lance would not be able to see any of that.

Kissable?

Fuzzy?

Smooth?

Even thinking about the words I actually used in the post make me cringe. During the process of typing it and now even after. I can't imagine what would happen if Lance or even Sky and Rio found out, I would be the laughing stock of the year.

But of course how could I miss out on blogging one of the most important things that happened this year? Making actual friends. Skylar and Rio have been one of the most amazing people ever since Annabelle. Nobody has or will ever take her spot though. It's sort of amazing that I can actually forget about my problems when I'm with them, especially Lance too. He's promised not to tell them about my eating disorder yet, it was thoughtful of him. I don't think I am able to handle anybody else knowing the truth now that Lance and Nicole know about it. I don't think Anna counts.

It has probably been 3 months since I've visited Anna, it's still a difficult thing to do every time. I can still remember the voice of Mrs Wood in the middle of the night, over the phone.

Clearly.

"A-Ann-abelle.. She.."

I felt tears forming straight away and I quickly wiped it off on my shirt sleeve. No matter how many times Mr and Mrs Wood keep telling me it wasn't my fault and that it was a problem Anna herself had to settle, I can't help feeling that if I was there for her like she was with me she might be actually beside me right now. We could have been the best of friends as always, laughing and smiling. As cliche as it sounds, even mani and pedis which I have a love hate relationship for.

I wouldn't have the new friends I have today, or maybe even Lance but Anna still belongs to me in my heart. If I could take everything back and actually bring her back, I would do it.

It may be unfair to Lance, I know. But nothing, nothing can replace a true friendship.

Nothing? Do you still remember the time where she left you alone to starve? To rot? To cry all alone by yourself? You hate her and even if she's dead you still can prove to her you can be skinny. Do it.

It's back.

I quickly run to my bed and buried myself in the covers. It's back again. The voice in my head, Ana. Or is it actually just another side of me? I don't even know already.

Please go away. I hate you, just stop getting in my head.

I press my palms against the both sides of my head tightly, tight enough to get the feeling that if I add just a little more pressure, I can wave a happy little goodbye to my skull and brains. But if only that could happen.

Before I could even do anything, my cell suddenly rang. Picking my phone up, Skylar's name kept flashing on the screen. I felt a little hesitant about picking it up. Call me weird or whatever but I've only known her for a while, I'm not used to talking on the phone.

I hate talking on the phone.

But whatever, honestly what harm can it do.

"Hello?" , I tried to sound really tired. Maybe that will be able to bore her or something.