When I Eat, I Hate Myself A Little More

Chapter 2

CHAPTER 2

Won't be mistaken with the saints of youth

God's backed up again

I swear, when I scream

We're not home again

Run from your problems

But you cannot run from yourself

You'll take this back

It's 6.30 in the morning. 

My alarm rang super loudly with YDG by Of Mice & Men. 

Their music never fails to make me feel better. Its like they're connecting to my life through it.

Today was going to be a long day. It's going to be the first day of school in 3 months and I really didn't want to go back. But what choice do I have.

I got out of my really messed up bed and sat on my bedroom floor.

I took my 3 year old video camera out, placing it in front of me.

I was used to recording my stories on a video camera.  

I started doing this ever since well, 3 years ago where everything started crashing.

I had wanted one solely for this purpose and my parents coincidentally got it for my 13th birthday.

Anyways it made me feel that someone understands me and they're actually willing  

to listen to my crap.

 And maybe if i do attempt it one day, some people will know the reason why.

I took a deep breath and pressed the 'record' button.

"Okay, hi again. I realized haven't really introduced myself and talked about how this all started.  So.. My name is Lindsey Clarke, I live in Mississippi with my mom, my dad and my older sister, Terra."

"Life hasn't really been very smooth for me, ever since I was young I was always compared to my sister in terms of looks, height and especially our weight. Basically long story short, Terra got all the good genes. She has perfect eyesight, long skinny legs from my mom and a very intelligent brain from my dad. While me?"

hah

"I have to wear glasses, I have a weird nose and I have short and chunky legs."  

"My relatives would always look at me and go "oh look Terra is so much skinnier" and how she should eat more while I should eat less. Ana basically just appeared in my life one day when i was breaking down in front of my mirror after one of my uncle criticized and laughed at me for my weight."

"It was also the first time I self harmed, I can distinctly remember Ana's words to me."

" I will make you skinny" 

"Those four words always send a thrill up my spine. Her voice would always linger around the room before completely disappearing. That's when I started starving myself."

 "I'm not hungry" 

"I already ate in school" 

"I'm not feeling well"

"These three sentences are the most common ones to avoid eating with my family. I have lost some weight since then. In a month I went from 130 pounds to 122. This made me become addicted."

"But every time I look in the mirror I would look at myself and see a fat whale. No one calls me fat but no one calls me skinny."

"I want to be called skinny."

 "It's been 4 years since Ana was invading my mind. She completely ruins me. She destroys my life and she makes me suffer."

"But i love her"

"I want her in my life because she will make me skinny and beautiful. I trust her. Sh--"

"Lindsey! Get down here before I come right up and pull you out of bed!"

That was my mom.

'Shit' , I muttered to myself. I reached out and switched my video camera off and placed it in my school bag.

There was no reason for bringing it to school but I couldn't risk it being seen by any of my family members.

I got a change of clothes and ran downstairs.

 As I passed my mom I mouthed a 'good morning' to her but before I could step out of the house, 

I heard her say,

"Why don't you come back in to take your breakfast first? Its your favorite pancakes!"

My heart sank at the thought of eating that.

"No thanks! I'm not that hungry anyways. Leave it for Terra!"

She nodded and said with a smile "have a great day at school!" .

Yeah as if I would be able to.

I returned her smile, turned my back and left. I hated lying to my mom but she would never understand how I hated eating. It's my worst enemy.

With that, I dragged my feet to school with an empty and grumbling stomach.

 

"It will be worth it. You'll be beautiful."

I smiled as her voice crept in my head again.

I breathed out the air I didnt realize I was holding and said to myself,

"This is gonna be a long day''

Thanks for sticking with me till here! This was a long chapter and I kept editing it but it's not perfect. so like I said, give me suggestions on what you wanna read!

xx