When I Eat, I Hate Myself A Little More

Chapter 3

CHAPTER 3

If I were you, I'd put that away

See, you're just wasted

And thinking about the past again

Darling, you'll be okay

I had to admit even if I wasn't the type to 'fangirl' over idols or bands, Pierce The Veil is my weakness. Especially their song Hold On Till May.

Their songs hit so close to home and basically whenever I was sad I just had to put up their music and almost in an instant, all my problems would be gone. Or at least for a while.

It was a typical morning. I was just on my ear phones strolling to school and definitely glancing around to spot beautiful and skinny girls. With everything that I ever wanted.

Collar bones.

Thigh gaps.

Flat stomach.

Just by looking at them makes me both angry and depressed. Like I've said before I've felt this way for a long time and whenever I was out I realized I spend most of the time staring and admiring other girls' small figures.

Yes, its creepy

But I just can't help it. It's also such a motivation to look at them and look at my fat figure. It makes me mad but at least I know that I have to lose weight.

Once I've reached school, I did my normal routine of greeting my friends good morning and just sat on the table to wait for the daily assembly to start.

As usual, while I was waiting I just started to stare at the countless number of skinny girls walking pass.

'How i wish I could be like them. They look really happy in their own body. I'm just a fat whale which nobody would lo--'

'GOOD MORNING!!'

I jumped out of my thoughts

and my chair

and looked at the person who rudely interrupted my thoughts.

Oh. It was my best friend Annabelle.

How ironic right.

Ana,

Annabelle

I placed my usual fake smile on my face and said to her "Hey good morning!"

It's really sad that she does not know how I really am. Yes, she may be my best friend and she probaby thinks that she knows me better than I do but she would never understand how tough it is to be living my life.

There have been countless of times when I actually wanted to tell her the truth.

That I wasn't happy.

That I was depressed

That I was suffering

And most importantly,

That I was dying.

But I wouldn't have the courage. I know that she would judge me even if she claimed that she is my best friend. Because everybody would.

Don't ask me why because thats how society is and that is the reason why I'm messed up like this.

The thing is whenever I actually decide to tell her, Ana would just pop in to my head and scream at me.

"DONT YOU DARE. YOU WILL RUIN YOUR CHANCE OF BEING BEAUTIFUL. DO YOU WANT TO BE STUCK IN THIS BODY FOREVER, LINDSEY? IF YES GO TELL HER RIGHT NOW."

It would always be the same thing repeating all over. She says the same thing everytime but yet I'm always affected as much as the first time she spoke to me. The problem is I believe her and I trust her. I've been called fat for too many times.

I wanted to prove them wrong

So in the end I would just keep quiet and pretend that nothing is wrong. It hurts for me to lie to her but I don't want her to get too worried about me.

Most importantly, I didn't want her to ruin my chances of finally being beautiful. It's like with just one word, it'll all be gone.

Worst of all, someone would be mad. Yeah you guessed it right.

It would be Ana.

The loud ring of the bell got me out of my thoughts and back to the dreadful reality. I lazily picked up my school bag and walked to the assembly area with my group of friends.

You must be surprised that I actually have friends even with my shitty personality but they somehow managed to like me. But hey, at least I'm lucky to have them. I'm just feeling bad as we made a 'No Secrets' pledge. And here I am lying directly to their faces.

When I reached the assembly area I accidentally dropped my bag on the ground forgetting the fact that my video camera was in it.

'mother of--'

I grunted and placed it on the ground carefully the second time. Annabelle noticed and she laughed and gave a snort saying "calm yourself Lindsey. Your face looks like you've just accidentally murdered a puppy."

"Ha-ha very funny Ana. Now zip your mouth before I shove one of my textbooks in it."

She raised both her hands in defeat and stuck her tongue out at me before smirking and looking the opposite way.

I chuckled to myself at the silliness of her character. Even in the toughest times Annabelle would always be able to cheer me up even without intending to.

"So would I"

I shivered at the voice she of the other Ana and closed my eyes while I shook my head vigorously without anyone noticing.

She would never leave me alone. At home, in school or name whatever place and she'll be there taunting me. Making me feel guilty about whatever I eat.

The music of my school's song started playing and as usual I started lip singing to it when I heard an oddly familiar sound.

My stomach grumbling.

Except it hurt much more badly than usual and it was exceptionally loud.

I only ate breakfast for the whole day yesterday and it was equivalent to only 100 calories. I could feel the hotness of the sun burning my skin and my head started to hurt. Like my whole body was on fire.

The last thing I remembered was Annabelle's shocked look facing me and the feeling of my body colliding with the hard cement floor

Okay I really have no idea where to go with this but I'll just see how it picks up. So stick with it till then ayeee

xx